https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/first-writing/ Guitar Noise Discussion Board en-US Thu, 04 Jun 2026 20:15:38 +0000 wpForo 60 https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/first-writing/#post-311230 Sun, 12 Oct 2008 17:52:09 +0000
I have recorded it and posted it in the Hear Hear section. Right now Nuno, Ignar, and Gerry are helping me out with some bass and precussion and see where it goes from there.

I appreciate the comments and the help, it's gotten a good response as far as I can tell (which shocked me) and is really encouraging me to write more.

Thanks again!]]> Guitar Noise Songwriting Club JoeHempel https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/first-writing/#post-311230 https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/first-writing/#post-311213 Sun, 12 Oct 2008 01:48:59 +0000
So I'll refrain (with difficulty, I might add - I love chopping and changing lines to fit!) from making suggestions just yet as to lyrical changes - you seem to be doing alright on your own. You're picking out (with Chris's advice) the lines that just don't quite gel and replacing them one by one....you're learning by DOING. IMO, that's always a good thing....

So I'll watch this song with interest - I think you're about 75% of the way to a really good song here.

And by the time I get round to making suggestions for lyrical changes, hell, you'll have probably got the whole thing worked out - at least I hope so.

Good luck, Joe!

:D :D :D

Vic]]> Guitar Noise Songwriting Club Vic Lewis VL https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/first-writing/#post-311213 https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/first-writing/#post-310652 Sat, 04 Oct 2008 09:19:09 +0000
Looking back at the lyrics, I was typing from memory, the line:

I'll leave with the morning dew --- I'm gone with the morning dew.

Not that it really makes a bit of difference it what is being said, but I think it flows with the music better.]]> Guitar Noise Songwriting Club JoeHempel https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/first-writing/#post-310652 https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/first-writing/#post-310651 Sat, 04 Oct 2008 09:12:34 +0000
Those extra lines added a heap of extra information and colour.
We have to be apart to meet the bills Just a few words but it seemed to do an important job of setting the scene and providing an explanation of what was going on.
The next lines expressing that you were getting tired of paying the cost of being apart followed on nicely too.

It's starting to come together well now. You've set some emotional scenery and some physical scenery and the feeling of the journey and the movement from one physical and emotional place to another is all happening. I expect you're fiddling with tweaking the music/lyric/singing match-up too, so you've achieved a lot in a few days.

Well done mate, it's great to see somebody take up the challenge and make some progress. :note1: :note2: :note1:

Cheers,

Chris]]> Guitar Noise Songwriting Club Chris C https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/first-writing/#post-310651 https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/first-writing/#post-310647 Sat, 04 Oct 2008 08:22:41 +0000
The light touched my face
The sun was shining bright
Made me think of days when I was home

You know that life is hard
We don't know what to do
We have to be apart to meet the bills

I'm tired of rooms with views
I can't stand this urban zoo
I'll leave with the morning dew
Cause I'm making my way back to you

Driving down the highway
Past the Rocky Mountain tops
I hear your voice whisper in the wind
Oh your voice reminds me that I need to be home again

Now I'm looking back
On the day that I met you
I seen the sight of heaven on that day

I couldn't make a sound
I didn't even know your name
Angel is all that I could think

Now I'm driving down the highway
Past soft lit fields of green
I see your face gleaming in the sun
Oh you face reminds me that i need to be home again

How did we let this happen
I can't stand to be away
All I've been thinking, since I've been gone....is that I need to be

Driving down the highway
I can see the ocean shore
I can almost see you there just as before

I can't believe that I've arrived
Baby, please come look outside
I want you to know, that I've finally made it home
I want you to know, that I've finally...made it.....home]]> Guitar Noise Songwriting Club JoeHempel https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/first-writing/#post-310647 https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/first-writing/#post-310500 Thu, 02 Oct 2008 09:52:46 +0000
Just make sure to put me in the back....waaaaaaay in the back, like off stage :D

Thanks again for your help, I'm trying now to work with the music a bit, I don't really like the transition to the minor chords, but can't really find anything else that fits the tone. We'll see what some tinkering will do. The co-writer likes the changes so far, we'll see what she says if there is any more changes. I will say that something you've said has given me another idea for a quirky fast paced country song that I'm pounding out lyrics to. Seems to be coming along very quickly, and I like where it's heading. I'll post when I have something done.]]> Guitar Noise Songwriting Club JoeHempel https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/first-writing/#post-310500 https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/first-writing/#post-310499 Thu, 02 Oct 2008 09:42:13 +0000
Sorry to be a while. I've been off experiencing the sensation of being burned alive on a poetry forum. I can now empathise a little bit more with how Beautiful Disaster probably feels about our rather tame attempts to offer advice here. I hope she's not tempted to try that particular place. Fortunately I did also see quite a number of places where it looked as if she'd fit in very well, so I hope she finds one of them.

Anyway, back to you.

Great to see that you've done so much more work on your lyrics. It's starting to get some shape now, and you look as if you've taken good steps towards settling on some imagery and phrases that you like. I'm not sure that I'm the one to offer any more specific suggestions from here on, but maybe somebody else will chime in too.

Having your music, and your playing in general, up to the stage that it is will be a huge bonus to you in the task of trying to shape lyrics for a song rather than just pushing words around on a page. All the very best with this, and your future writing. You're on the road now, so keep the motor running...

I'm off to practice my own singing tonight. It's in a newly formed community choir, so we all get to drown each other's noises out as we experiment with singing badly, and missing half the pitches, while we slowly work towards getting better control. :) Pity you aren't closer, I'd drag you along.

Cheers,

Chris]]> Guitar Noise Songwriting Club Chris C https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/first-writing/#post-310499 https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/first-writing/#post-310375 Wed, 01 Oct 2008 08:02:44 +0000
Chris C, I tried my best to take all the advice you've given me and convert it into something that I can use and or understand even :lol: . We'll see how this turns out musically I guess, I want to experiment with drums, elec guitar, keyboard sounds etc, but I don't know how to play them :lol: we'll see what loops Garage Band has to use. Anyway, sorry for the long post here's the lyrics:

The light touched my face
The sun was shining bright
Made me think of days when I was home

You know that life is hard
We don't know what to do
We say some things we didn't mean to say

They say time heals your wounds
You forgive and forget
I hope that this is true
Cause I'm making my way back to you

Driving down the highway
past the rocky mountain tops
I hear your voice whisper in the wind
Oh your voice reminds me that I need to be home again

Now I'm looking back
On the day that I met you
I seen the sight of heaven on that day

I couldn't make a sound
I didn't know your name
Angel is all that I could think

Now I'm driving down the highway
past the soft lit fields of green
I see your face gleaming in the sun
Oh your face reminds me that I need to be home again

I can't believe what's happened
I can't stand to be away
All I can think since I've been gone....is that I'm

Driving down the highway
I can see the ocean shore
I can almost see you there just as before

I can't believe that I've arrived
Baby, please come look outside
I want you to know, that I've finally made it home.
I want you to know, that I've finally....made it......home.]]> Guitar Noise Songwriting Club JoeHempel https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/first-writing/#post-310375 https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/first-writing/#post-310217 Tue, 30 Sep 2008 13:42:04 +0000
Thanks for all the info...I'll see what I can do with it, and maybe make it better.

I do like the original, but I couldn't find a way to place music into it, and didn't really "feel" the coming from the business trip sense. Maybe all this info will help me out a bit. when I'm re-writing I want to change the chorus each time to go from place to place, and from hearing you voice to seeing your face and being near and such, trying to work all that in.]]> Guitar Noise Songwriting Club JoeHempel https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/first-writing/#post-310217 https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/first-writing/#post-310214 Tue, 30 Sep 2008 13:34:23 +0000
Thanks for posting the other draft. In many ways I like it better than the pruned down version. It's also given us a clearer overview of what the song is about - a journey back from a business trip to a partner. Good theme with lots of possibilities.

Tempting as it is to leap in and try and write your song for you - which would probably mean just swapping it out for my own preferred set of well worn phrases :roll: - I'm hoping that I can suggest ways for you to work it through yourself. I once wrote a song on a similar theme, only from the other end. The singer was the one at home, narrating the partner's journey home (in that case, from a day working in the city, back out to the home in the country). So perhaps the way it went for me might provide some clues, without my directly mucking around with your song?

Firstly, I always start with a few random ideas and phrases and toss them around in a vague sort of way. After a few false starts and changes of mind I begin to get a feeling for what the theme is. At that stage I can do a bit of plotting, story-boarding, or whatever you'd like to call it. The overall idea was similar to yours - the feelings of separation and journey and the desire to be together again. Once I've got that in my head I let all the rest of the bats out of the attic - jot down anything at all that might tie into the theme. That might include personal feelings, remembered bits of other songs, obvious angles and phrases etc and see how it might be weeded through and shaped up.

In that case I ended up going for five verses, each of which ended with a two line refrain/chorus that had a high a plaintive rising melody behind it.

The first verse had some flowery imagery about the “river of light” as the evening traffic flowed out of the city at the end of the day. After five lines of that, the two chorus lines were : “But it's bringing you back to me. It's bringing you back to me”. The second verse continued painting a picture of the one at home looking down on the city at sunset and waiting for the return. The repeated chorus line was “And dream you back to me”. The third verse moved the focus closer to home by describing the place they were returning to (images of countryside and home) ending “Calling you home to me” (twice).

The fourth verse described the noises of the car arriving, the sound of footsteps, the smell of the evening air drifting into the house as the door opened, etc. The repeated end line was “Saying you're back to me”. The last verse was a repeat of the first verse with only a few words changed to show that the journey was complete, and it ended “It's brought you home to me....”

The language was a mixture of popular words - “sun, moon, wine, food, dream, home “ all made an appearance - and more flowery or original phrases were mixed with easily recognisable ones like “the crunch of the gravel” and “the click of the latch”. The aim was to tell an easily identifiable story that moved forwards to a satisfying conclusion, using little splashes of colour that listeners could have an emotional response to.

So maybe you could continue to plot out some steps in your journey home, that are a mixture of what you're seeing and what you're feeling (just as you have done) but break it into verses that move the story forward in a particular way. Start with a quick summary or sketch of what you want to cover, and then try filling out how and where you'll say it.

So your list might include: Beautiful day. Away from home and you. Happy to be heading home. Remembering good and/or bad times. Separation has made me appreciate/love you all the more, etc..... Pick the important bits and mix them in with moving you along the line from the hotel to the door. You seem to have got all the elements there, it just needs putting in order and filling out. If you wanted to add a dash of tension you could spice it up by hinting at temptations that you pushed aside out of love and loyalty (or you could even crack, as in the song song 24 Hours from Tulsa, where the singer didn't quite complete the journey).

You could also try out some different ways of saying the same thing. For instance:

“Woke up this morning
The sun was shining bright
Brighter and more beautiful than always”

“Woke up this morning” is the exact phrase that's always put into send ups of blues songs, so it might be worth experimenting with ways of twisting that slightly or setting that opening scene a little differently. From the story point of view it's good to have set the mood quickly, but instead of saying it directly you could have the sunlight falling across your eyelids, warming your back, bouncing off the hood of your car, or any number of ways. If I get stuck I sometimes even act it out. I'll walk out on a sunny morning and think “How do I feel, what can I see? What's saying ‘sunshine' apart from the hot yellow thing up there?...” Bare skin, shirtsleeves, squinting eyes, etc. You can say that it's cold directly, or you can suggest it with an action “turned up my collar to the wind” or an image “ice in my beard” and so on. A lot of the fun in writing is finding interesting ways of getting the same thing across. :)

Sorry, to have been so long winded... Enjoy shaping it up, and let us know how you go.

Cheers,]]> Guitar Noise Songwriting Club Chris C https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/first-writing/#post-310214