https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/remain-away/ Guitar Noise Discussion Board en-US Fri, 05 Jun 2026 01:26:56 +0000 wpForo 60 https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/remain-away/#post-103153 Fri, 20 May 2005 09:24:04 +0000 Guitar Noise Songwriting Club pierson https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/remain-away/#post-103153 https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/remain-away/#post-102973 Thu, 19 May 2005 03:26:55 +0000 Guitar Noise Songwriting Club nocturne181 https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/remain-away/#post-102973 https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/remain-away/#post-102378 Sat, 14 May 2005 11:43:49 +0000
Mezlay, the way you put that part was the way I would sing it, but I judt didnt put it in that format. I'll change it, thanks for the catch.

SlowPlay, I didn't want to put in what happened that made me angry, just because I would try to add more than what I could and it would seem cluttered and all over the place; and I wrote other songs dealing with some of it and I think there's nothing less creative than using old material due to lack of ideas (something I learned the hard way :? ) When this catastrophy consists involves her feelings and the questions that were asked and how she is dealing with it (she tried to come back to me, but I knew it wasn't worth more pain.) You have clinged to my heart, a past tense. We were pretty deep. It should be to never overcome because she did it, not me. Not really a direct line.

Thanks again for your comments. Hope I answered everything!]]> Guitar Noise Songwriting Club pierson https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/remain-away/#post-102378 https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/remain-away/#post-101324 Sat, 07 May 2005 04:19:55 +0000
Nice work. I'm picturing this being sung to a nice slow rock balad, maybe with a children's choir singing BGV's. :wink:

Seriously though, I'm impressed with the way you coupled your anger to your feelings of hoplessness and hurt. I've read lots of angry songs, but anger comes from somewhere, and by itself is kinda boring, so good job.

One question I have is with the near absence of imagery. A strong image could intensify the emotion nicely. But maybe that's not what you wanted, and that's fine too, I'm just curious.

The other questions are with "when this catastrophy consists" and "You have clinged into my heart". I'm not sure what they mean; I've never heard those words used that way.

Really liked:
And know what I have done.
Sacrificed my rights
to never overcome. But shouldn't it be "to ever overcome"?

Also liked:
Take the risk of never seeing
what we could have become. For me, that captures a lot of the song's sentiment.]]> Guitar Noise Songwriting Club SlowPlay https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/remain-away/#post-101324 https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/remain-away/#post-101271 Fri, 06 May 2005 22:21:44 +0000
This part:

I told you you were wrong.
I said it couldn't be.
I ran away from the feelings
that only arose when I knew what I lost.
But you weren't there for me.
And you will never be.
Strike my feelings down.
and pour your rage on me.

No idea how you'd sing it but easier to read if it was like this:

I told you you were wrong.
I said it couldn't be.
I ran away from the feelings
that only arose
when I knew what I lost.
But you weren't there for me.
And you will never be.
Strike my feelings down.
and pour your rage on me.

Just a thought for readers....]]> Guitar Noise Songwriting Club Mezlay https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/remain-away/#post-101271 https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/remain-away/#post-8882 Fri, 06 May 2005 08:59:58 +0000
I told you you were wrong.
I said it couldn't be.
I ran away from the feelings
that only arose when I knew what I lost.
But you weren't there for me.
And you will never be.
Strike my feelings down.
and pour your rage on me.

Now feel the pain of leaving me.
Take the risk of never seeing
what we could have become.
And what we could have won.
But f*cking realize this
I won't be there for you
when this catastrophy consists
and enjoys laying waste to you.

I have tried to claw you out
and slash you to some degree.
You have clinged into my heart.
and tore out a piece of me.
Now torment all that has come.
And know what I have done.
Sacrificed my rights
to never overcome.
But my vision remains
of what we should've remained to be.
So stop all of these games
and turn to set me free.

Now feel the pain of leaving me.
Take the risk of never seeing
what we could have become.
And what we could have won.
But f*cking realize this
I won't be there for you
when this catastrophy consists
and enjoys to lay waste to you.

Alone, but not as scared.
A slave, but free as can be.
A man with none to lose.
Because they have all left me.
Infatuating pleasures.
I told you this wasn't love.
My only hope that remains
replaces the thought of us.
So step up to my line that
you've put to sleep.
I no longer feel for you.
I only feel for me.

Now feel the pain of leaving me.
Take the risk of never seeing
what we could have become.
And what we could have won.
But f*cking realize this
I won't be there for you
when this catastrophy consists
and enjoys to lay waste to you.]]> Guitar Noise Songwriting Club pierson https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/remain-away/#post-8882