https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/the-fourth/ Guitar Noise Discussion Board en-US Fri, 05 Jun 2026 01:51:07 +0000 wpForo 60 https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/the-fourth/#post-66012 Mon, 23 Aug 2004 05:49:20 +0000 Guitar Noise Songwriting Club sozay https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/the-fourth/#post-66012 https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/the-fourth/#post-66011 Mon, 23 Aug 2004 05:48:09 +0000 Guitar Noise Songwriting Club E.Sherman https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/the-fourth/#post-66011 https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/the-fourth/#post-66004 Mon, 23 Aug 2004 05:08:49 +0000 having 'but' suggest that he is open to opinions and having his mind changed. If you had "though" he firmly believes it, despite what anyone else would say.

Very cool idea, and a good song :)
sozay]]> Guitar Noise Songwriting Club sozay https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/the-fourth/#post-66004 https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/the-fourth/#post-65991 Mon, 23 Aug 2004 02:28:54 +0000

Anyway, nice piece of spontaneous writing. I say spontaneous coz you might look back on it 2morrow and like to change and tweak a few more things. Oh, I did right as I was done with it! :D

Thanks for the input on changing the chorus, although part of the reason i like it's song is in it's quirky nature. And I can find that line you put in there fitting in the rhythm. Perhaps it will become clear once I record a demo for you guys.
The line I don't like is:

Today I fell fine
Yesterday I was mine

You've used it in two places and it doesn't seem it fit in at either one......does'nt really make sense in the context of the song as a whole.... That should be 'Today I feel fine'. The idea was to show some more of confusion, and to show that he's not quite sane anymore. ( Find my mind in the sand) But it also ties into other things in the song that I won't bore you with. Suffice it to say, this is one of those songs you could have a conversation about. Or at least, thats the hope.


Thank's alot fo the input guys! Im going to record the song pretty much as is, and then go through and revise it. Keep the feedback coming, it will get considered, and I'm sure it will help be overall with writing in general. :)]]> Guitar Noise Songwriting Club E.Sherman https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/the-fourth/#post-65991 https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/the-fourth/#post-65977 Sun, 22 Aug 2004 23:41:44 +0000 Seemed a real nice concept. So you finally nailed the problem with those 3 wise guys-the historically obliterated 4th guy! lol. Anyway, nice piece of spontaneous writing. I say spontaneous coz you might look back on it 2morrow and like to change and tweak a few more things. I can't find anything specific to change rite now except for this one line in ur chorus:

I've got two cups of water
And half a tank of gas
The sign leads the way
But I can't move that fast

How about...

I've got two cups of water
and a hope that won't last
The sign leads the way
But I can't move that fast

OR

I've got two cups of water
to drown my hope that won't last
The sign leads the way
But I can't move that fast

Whatever it is, I find the line "hope that won't last" suiting your song better and fitting the rythm more tightly. However, any change is upto you. Keep writing...:)]]> Guitar Noise Songwriting Club alterego https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/the-fourth/#post-65977 https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/the-fourth/#post-65976 Sun, 22 Aug 2004 23:36:41 +0000
Today I fell fine
Yesterday I was mine

You've used it in two places and it doesn't seem it fit in at either one......does'nt really make sense in the context of the song as a whole....

Then,

I left my spirit in the sand and we
Went on to the Promised Land

The three that went with me have gone ahead (Etc)

Minor quibble, but I'd put the word "But" in front of "The three that went with me.........I't's just too sudden a transition from going to to being left behind - with no apparent reason......

But after this, it really kicks in - I love the way you've mixed the historical eras!! Doesn't need an awful lot of work on it to be a really good song.....

Vic]]> Guitar Noise Songwriting Club Vic Lewis VL https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/the-fourth/#post-65976 https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/the-fourth/#post-3245 Sun, 22 Aug 2004 21:33:42 +0000
She didn't stop to let me breathe, or give an apologie. Very Happy

This is one heck of a bizzare lyric. It fits the music real well, and I'll probably record a little demo so you guys can hear.

Here's the story:

I was struck by one line last night: He left his spirit in the sand. In the course of writing what was supposed to be a song about a car breaking down on a trip across Death Valley, somehow it turned into a story about one of the wise men that went to visit Christ when he was born. Of course, there were most likley more than the cliched three, but I made up a fourth guy that didn't quite make it. His soul goes on to wander, and since he is no longer bound up in time, his story gets a little messed up, historicly speaking.

All in all, this song seems to leave itself open to alot of different interpretations. It turned out radicly different than what I had planned, but I'm all right with that.



Some of the song seems very tounge in cheek, and I need to work on this one some more, probably play up and make it more clear who it is that is speaking. But I figured I'd post what I have since the deadline is tomorrow for week 41.

Here ya go. The line spacing is pretty much sorted out into the musical phrases they fit to. Any odd spelling or punctuation is to show how the song is sung.

The Fourth

The star hung in the sky
The moon stuck low to the ground

We gathered up our things, made a prayer and a sign
Today I fell fine
Yesterday I was mine

Chorus
I've got two cups of water
And half a tank of gas
The sign leads the way
But I can't move that fast
I left my spirit in the sand and we
Went on to the Promised Land

The three that went with me have gone ahead
I thought I'd stay for awhile
Next thing I know I'm dead

My body-bag was clear so they could see
See what faithless-ness, has done to me
I saw the mountain didn't feel up for a climb
Today I feel fine
Yesterday I was mine

Chorus

If you could stay with me
Find my mind, floating in the sand
I'm drifting on… to the asphalt streets
I'm drifting on… to the smoking cars, and plastic candy bars
Is this the Promised Land?

How I wish I could've gotten to the star
I brought the gas but, I couldn't start the car

The man, the girl, the baby, are staying in the cave
I'm trying to run there, but I got my feet stuck in the grave
A special child
More dear to you than me
He came to save you, but you may disagree

Chorus…?]]> Guitar Noise Songwriting Club E.Sherman https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/the-fourth/#post-3245