https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/the-mystic/ Guitar Noise Discussion Board en-US Fri, 05 Jun 2026 07:31:17 +0000 wpForo 60 https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/the-mystic/#post-322724 Sun, 08 Mar 2009 04:55:16 +0000 It came to me after being denied a promotion twice for the same rediculous reason and them hiring 2 people as useful as a screen door on a submarine so spineless there's but a vertabra between them. Kill them both, and suggest to the supervisor (next on the hit-list?) that one person, ie YOU, could do both jobs.....or just take a guitar into work, set the amp on "stun," and hit them with an E chord - if they stay awake, they've obviously got SOME redeeming features - set the amp to kill, hit them with a very distorted E7/#9 chord - if they survive that, you need to find a new job. Of course if they DON'T survive it, there will be a couple of good jobs up for grabs....

:D :D :D

Vic]]> Guitar Noise Songwriting Club Vic Lewis VL https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/the-mystic/#post-322724 https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/the-mystic/#post-322722 Sun, 08 Mar 2009 03:55:37 +0000
I definitely like the suggestions to make it all flow better.

It came to me after being denied a promotion twice for the same rediculous reason and them hiring 2 people as useful as a screen door on a submarine so spineless there's but a vertabra between them. It made me wonder if the whole voting system works. This song plays to the whole "if you possess the skills and knowledge to take your superior's position from them then you are more deserving of the position than they are." In short, it's my protest to democracy, the rule of the rabble.

I hear it with a hard rock feel, for the chorus anyway. I figure the verses would be quiet.]]> Guitar Noise Songwriting Club GrungeSunset https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/the-mystic/#post-322722 https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/the-mystic/#post-322323 Mon, 02 Mar 2009 06:31:05 +0000 to me would sound better as

"Now this land will prosper under my rule" Spotted that one, missed it in the review. "This place" sounded a bit iffy - "This land" looks a lot better.

"Rule by vote is replaced by rule by fear"

to me, it would sound better as

"Rule by vote is replaced with rule by fear" I don't think that particular choice of adverb matters much - replaced by/replaced with, they're pretty much interchangeable. To be honest, I'd have said "Democracy replaced by dictatorship" - or something similar along those lines, given a couple of hours with the dictionary and the Thesaurus, would be better - but then we're back to changing the whole rhyming scheme again, and it's a bit difficult to find a word to rhyme with dictatorship. "Dictatorship replaces democracy" is more open to rhymes....but dictatorship doesn't carry the same impact as tyranny, which leads me back to the whole "can you have a benevolent tyrant?" question....and it's 3.30 am and the brain cell's about to close down for the night.

:D :D :D

Vic]]> Guitar Noise Songwriting Club Vic Lewis VL https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/the-mystic/#post-322323 https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/the-mystic/#post-322316 Mon, 02 Mar 2009 04:29:19 +0000 We sure get our money's worth here.
Just a couple of more nits that Vic didn't pick . . .

While reading Vic's analysis, I noticed the line,

"Now this place will prosper under my rule"
to me would sound better as

"Now this land will prosper under my rule"

and

"Rule by vote is replaced by rule by fear"

to me, it would sound better as

"Rule by vote is replaced with rule by fear"]]> Guitar Noise Songwriting Club KR2 https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/the-mystic/#post-322316 https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/the-mystic/#post-322314 Mon, 02 Mar 2009 03:53:38 +0000
First impressions? Pretty favourable....story's good, flows well, reads well....

No major picky points. I'm not usually a fan of what I think of as "reversed lyrics"....example,

"Against them he does conspire"
"In act 2, his true nature he hides"

Now be honest - in everyday speech, you wouldn't use either of those lines, would you? In real life, you'd say,

"He conspires against them" or possibly "Against them he conspires" - that one looks better.
"In act two he hides his true nature" or possibly "In act two his true nature's hidden"

Trouble is, change them around and you're struggling for a rhyme....so I'll leave it to you to sweat over them!

OK, more nit-picking.....

"While the leaders feed his people a line
He finds weakness, they don't have a spine
While they act like sister and brother
He knows he can turn them against each other"

I'd leave out both instances of "while" - they're not necessary. Plurals are more dramatic than a singular.

"The leaders feed the people lines,
He senses weakness, they have no spine,
They seem like sisters and brothers,
But he knows he can turn them against each other."

May not fit your rhythm, but you see what I'm getting at?

"He plants seeds of doubt, second guess and fear
He pulls their strings, he's the grand puppeteer"

Might read better as....

"He plants seeds of doubt, second guesses their fears,
He pulls their strings, he's the master puppeteer"

plurals are stronger, right? You've used seeds of doubt, rather than a seed of doubt - more dramatic impact. Master puppeteer might be harder to fit in than grand puppeteer....an extra syllable - but try it, it might work.

"Tore apart by the friction" - "torn" is better than "tore."

"He removes the leaders and says they're through
He says "you ran this place to the ground. you fool"....

Says...he says....dodgy repetition....perhaps,

"He removes the leaders, they're finally through,
Says, you ran this place into the ground, you fools" (leaders - fool? plural - singular?)

"Benchmarked leaders put their peers into scrutiny".....under scrutiny would be better.
"He destroys the government with one swift coup"....IN one swift coup is better English.
"The peasants rise up following his lead".....to follow his lead would be better.

Here's a bit I'm really not sure about.....

""Now this place will prosper under my rule.....

Rule by vote is replaced by rule by fear"


If...."this place" is going to prosper under his rule, then ruling by fear means the people aren't going to prosper....although the country/state might.

"He pulled their strings as the grand puppeteer" - do you mean the leaders, who you used this line about earlier, or the people who he's led into revolution, only to find they've replaced a corrupt government with (possibly) a benevolent tyrant? Benevolent tyrant may seem a contradiction in terms, but think about the people who lived under Saddam Hussain's rule - he may have been despised by the west, but he was a popular leader amongst his people. Well, at least the ones he didn't execute or torture, which narrows it down to about half his people. Ditto the Ayatollah Khomeini.....

Now this may seem as if I'm picking a lot of holes in your song - believe me, that's not my intention. There are no MAJOR changes needed, IMHO - just a few minor ones. I want to see you get a really good song out of this - and I honestly think you're about 90% of the way there. It's just a matter of tidying things up, and correcting a few minor mistakes. I wouldn't mess with the basic structure, in the same way I wouldn't knock down a solid house - just a matter of tidying up a few blemishes. A lick of paint, a spot of filler....that's all you need......

And I'll reiterate my opening statement - good to see you writing again!

:D :D :D

Your friendly neighbourhood nit-picking pedantic (over pedantic, at times, I know!) critic, but with your best interests at heart,

Vic.]]> Guitar Noise Songwriting Club Vic Lewis VL https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/the-mystic/#post-322314 https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/the-mystic/#post-322307 Mon, 02 Mar 2009 02:47:25 +0000 You could call it "A Voice in the Wilderness"]]> Guitar Noise Songwriting Club KR2 https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/the-mystic/#post-322307 https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/the-mystic/#post-35185 Mon, 02 Mar 2009 02:28:34 +0000
Feedback is appreciated:


The Mystic

Against them he does conspire


In act 2, his true nature he hides
Peasant trust him as they confide
They say the Mystic is the one
The only can get things done

While the leaders feed his people a line
He finds weakness, they don't have a spine
While they act like sister and brother
He knows he can turn them against each other

He plants seeds of doubt, second guess and fear
He pulls their strings, he's the grand puppeteer


The curtain will fall
The democrats will crawl
They are ruled by contradiction
Tore apart by the friction
He is ruled by logic and fact
Knowledge to destroy them at the final act
His conviction grows with every hour
As he gets closer to his rise to power
Through anger, passion and fire
Against them he does conspire


Benchmarked leaders put their peers into scrutiny
The Mystic sees his chances and leads a mutiny
The peasants rise up following his lead
The democrats deliberate while cities bleed

He destroys the government with one swift coup
He removes the leaders and says they're through
He says "you ran this place to the ground. you fool"
"Now this place will prosper under my rule

Rule by vote is replaced by rule by fear
He pulled their strings as the grand puppeteer

The curtain has fallen
The democrats kept stallin
They were ruled by contradiction
Tore apart by the friction
He is ruled by logic and fact
Knowledge to destroy them in this final act
He looks down at his people from his tower
"The day has come my rise to power."
"Forged through anger passion and fire
Has risen my new Empire!"

Forged through anger passion and fire
Has risen his new Empire!]]> Guitar Noise Songwriting Club GrungeSunset https://guitarnoise.forum/guitar-noise-songwriting-club/the-mystic/#post-35185