https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/11-12-oh-tommy-added-mp3-on-1-26/ Guitar Noise Discussion Board en-US Fri, 05 Jun 2026 00:39:20 +0000 wpForo 60 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/11-12-oh-tommy-added-mp3-on-1-26/#post-380716 Tue, 29 Jan 2013 02:22:02 +0000 Public school was a total shock. My Catholic school education had taught me (or at least left me with the impression that) there would be a lot of nakedness in the public school system.
When your belief system is turned upside down, there is a strong desire to go back to the familiar. Tommy was the familiar. When you say it like this, I can connect as a reader. :D

You just told a story with a good balance of emotion and details. Consider gleaning specific words and phrases from this account.

For me, there are quite a lot of details here that bring the story to life and emotional phrases spelled out....few choices......shocked......turned upside down.....strong desire to go back to the familiar......There's nothing here about a farmer or hunting animals, but I get the story without those details....

...Just compare the two and check that you are REALLY saying these details in the lyrics; not just assuming.

Then again, if you don't want to change it, it's your choice, but just to validate this is a story that can be related to with a universal emotion and worth sharing.]]> Sunday Songwriters Group jamestoffee https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/11-12-oh-tommy-added-mp3-on-1-26/#post-380716 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/11-12-oh-tommy-added-mp3-on-1-26/#post-380709 Mon, 28 Jan 2013 18:20:30 +0000
Nice sound :mrgreen: I really like the guitar solos that have a touch of Spanish feel to them.

Lyrically this one still isn't grabbing me.....Take or leave as you see fit.

..... I enjoyed the music.

James Thanks for listening and commenting. I'm glad you like the slight Spanish feel. Since the subdivision was called "Monterey Park" I thought it was appropriate. I should have played it a bit more evenly with less stacato.
My recording techniques still leave a lot to be desired. I originally laid down the guitar strumming just as a temporary track. I intended to delete that track, it had lots of chord mistakes. When I lowered it's presence in the mix, found it's place. The vocal came next. I found out how hard it is to come in on a right note after several measures of rest. For the bass line, I just kept it simple, one note per measure. The arpegiated sus chords and the lead were on my trusty tenor ukulele.

I understand this lyric doesn't grab you. It says what I want it to. It doesn't matter why they moved, a third grader has few choices around families moving. When we moved I was in for a shock. I thought that everybody lived like we did in our neighborhood. Children were not allowed to ring door bells or knock. In the suburbs, I tried hollering for a neighbor kid to come out. His mother came to the door and asked if I was sick or something.
Public school was a total shock. My Catholic school education had taught me (or at least left me with the impression that) there would be a lot of nakedness in the public school system.
When your belief system is turned upside down, there is a strong desire to go back to the familiar. Tommy was the familiar.

I'm happy with the lyric and the melody, especially the hook.]]> Sunday Songwriters Group John Sargent https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/11-12-oh-tommy-added-mp3-on-1-26/#post-380709 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/11-12-oh-tommy-added-mp3-on-1-26/#post-380685 Sun, 27 Jan 2013 11:51:56 +0000
Nice sound :mrgreen: I really like the guitar solos that have a touch of Spanish feel to them.

Lyrically this one still isn't grabbing me. While there are a lot of details, they seem in-cohesive with each other; except for the fact that the singer knows them all, but why these facts?

Many are introduced then left with no back story or what happens next. For example, Sister Mary, which is a bit confusing because you are talking about Catholic school and nuns in the next verse, is mentioned once.....why? If it won't lead anywhere say "our family".....maybe a foreshadow.....we moved to a warmer city because my mom's coughing was getting worse.....we didn't know why, but for her we moved......then later when you say she died, it's in a context.....

In the same way, we don't know why Tommy is longed for? Why not the mother? ....To play with guns or for other fun......How old is the singer now? It's a bit ironic how kids with guns now has negative connotation, not necessarily youthful innocence......

Then the troubled kids.....it says mom was right, but what was the trouble? was the singer enjoying "trouble" or was he picked on?....and the farmer and hunting for animals? Nothing is wrong with the details in themselves, but the connection between them is not clear.......

.....consider finding an underlying object or person that reflects the changes the singer is feeling.....or some other aspect of the singer's life to tie the memories together in a cause and effect stream.

Take or leave as you see fit.

Thanks for sharing. I enjoyed the music.

James]]> Sunday Songwriters Group jamestoffee https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/11-12-oh-tommy-added-mp3-on-1-26/#post-380685 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/11-12-oh-tommy-added-mp3-on-1-26/#post-380674 Sun, 27 Jan 2013 00:05:22 +0000
http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12131277

It was the coldest day in January / We had to huddle for warmth
Me and Sister Roxy, sat on the boxes / As the trailer pulled away from 74th
We moved out of Milwaukee / And went to New Berlin
I wasn’t aware, when we got there / That I would never see Tommy again

This was the end of Catholic school / I was in the third grade
There’s no morning mass for public school class / Mom was afraid that my soul would stray
The new kids would all be heathens / Of this fact I was sure
They’d have fire filled nights and Pagan rites / They were the ones the our old Nuns prayed for

I remember my old neighbourhood / When I wanted my friend to come out
To play with guns or for other fun / I would stand on his porch and I’d shout
Oh Tommy, can you come out to play
It’s a beautiful day, won’t you come out to play.

They called this place Monterey Park / There was a farm at the end of the road
I saw how the farmer cared for his cows / While I hunted for mice, snakes and toads
I thought we’d live there forever / And I’d make a lot of new friends
Then cancer hit and Mom stayed sick / When she died our family came to an end

Now on a winter night when the moon is right and I’ve been been in my head all day
And feel the empty pain I call Tommy’s name, OOOOO
Oh Tommy can you come out to play
I need a beautiful day, won’t you come out to play]]> Sunday Songwriters Group John Sargent https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/11-12-oh-tommy-added-mp3-on-1-26/#post-380674 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/11-12-oh-tommy-added-mp3-on-1-26/#post-380630 Wed, 23 Jan 2013 15:35:48 +0000 Sunday Songwriters Group John Sargent https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/11-12-oh-tommy-added-mp3-on-1-26/#post-380630 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/11-12-oh-tommy-added-mp3-on-1-26/#post-380618 Tue, 22 Jan 2013 14:00:54 +0000
I like the details in the verses. I still feel the verses and chorus don't gel; maybe it will be different on a listen. Seems like the chorus should be a resolution with change.....or a fight against it. Maybe like something the parent said "Just get over it"....or "You'll make new friends".....etc.....]]> Sunday Songwriters Group jamestoffee https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/11-12-oh-tommy-added-mp3-on-1-26/#post-380618 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/11-12-oh-tommy-added-mp3-on-1-26/#post-380601 Mon, 21 Jan 2013 14:03:19 +0000
I did further edits, now the chorus is sung only twice. There will be a simple guitar line between each verse. The chorus may still get an entire rewrite but at least now an arrangement is forming in my head. I don't record as easily as you do so I want to get it down in thought before I start the DAW.


It was the coldest day in January
We had to huddle for warmth
Me and Rox, sat on the boxes
As the trailer pulled out from 74th

This was when we moved out of Milwaukee
And went to New Berlin
I wasn’t aware, when we got there
That I would never see Tommy again

(Chorus)
Oh Tommy can you come out to play
Oh Tommy can you come out to play
It’s such a nice day
Won’t you come out to play

It was the end of Catholic school
I was in the third grade
No morning masses for public school classes
Mom was afraid my soul would stray

I new kids would all be heathens
Of this fact I was sure
They’d have fire filled nights and Pagan rites
They were the ones the Nuns prayed for

They called this place Monterey Park
There was a farm at the end of the road
I saw how the farmer cared for his cows
While I hunted for mice, snakes and toads

I thought we’d live there forever
And I’d make a lot of new friends
Then cancer hit and Mom stayed sick
When she died the family came to an end

Instrumental version of the chorus

I remember on Adler and 74th
When I wanted my friend to come out
To play cowboy guns or for other fun
I would stand on his porch and shout

Now on a winter night when the moon is right
If I’ve been thinking all day
And feel the empty pain I call his name
This is what I say

(Chorus)]]> Sunday Songwriters Group John Sargent https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/11-12-oh-tommy-added-mp3-on-1-26/#post-380601 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/11-12-oh-tommy-added-mp3-on-1-26/#post-380599 Mon, 21 Jan 2013 10:55:45 +0000
Good start. :D I looks like all the jigsaw puzzle pieces are on the table, but could use some rearranging to click into place by firming up the time line and locations.

I agree Tommy needs a stronger role in the story, or make it the singer saying.....I can't come out to play.....and change who he is talking to to match the changing locations: Tommy, the pagans, the farmer etc.

One disconnect to check are these two ideas:
It was the coldest day in January.....It’s such a nice day; Won’t you come out to play

I look forward to the listen.

James]]> Sunday Songwriters Group jamestoffee https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/11-12-oh-tommy-added-mp3-on-1-26/#post-380599 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/11-12-oh-tommy-added-mp3-on-1-26/#post-380592 Mon, 21 Jan 2013 04:55:56 +0000 Sunday Songwriters Group John Sargent https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/11-12-oh-tommy-added-mp3-on-1-26/#post-380592 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/11-12-oh-tommy-added-mp3-on-1-26/#post-380583 Mon, 21 Jan 2013 03:50:35 +0000
When the need to come out, best to let them.

Having a bit of a disconnect with this one. Tommy, who is important enough to be in the title and in all the choruses, doesn't get more than a passing mention in the main narrative in the line before the first chorus. While I sense the song is about loss (familiar surroundings, friends and family), there's little for the listener to empathise with in order to share in this sense of loss, even when the listener is addressed directly in the penultimate verse ("if you grew up on Adler...").

The song, overall, is a great personal memoir, and maybe that's where the chorus focus should be as well. The narrator brings up a wealth of details but the chorus detracts from the story instead of adding to it.

Any idea of the music style? Folk-ballad?

Looking forward to more.

Peace]]> Sunday Songwriters Group David Hodge https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/11-12-oh-tommy-added-mp3-on-1-26/#post-380583