please be brutal - Sunday Songwriters Group

Re: please be brutal

MJBird — Mon, 26 Jan 2004 06:49:57 +0000

Your song has a great feel to it. Need maybe another verse and to just tie the verses together a little bit better.

Re: please be brutal

Anonymous — Sat, 24 Jan 2004 16:57:11 +0000

This is something I can picture as both a full tilt rock song or something moody to listen to late at night. I usually don't write songs that are this "down" but I think these lyrics are quite good. If you do end up keeping this one, I wouldn't let the lyrics get buried under the music in the finished product.

Re: please be brutal

voodoochild — Sat, 24 Jan 2004 09:14:09 +0000

thanks i'll have to check those out

Re: please be brutal

spam — Sat, 24 Jan 2004 07:08:31 +0000

writing without control, where words "come and go" is a blessing to a writer!objectivity and logic can come later, if at all. The most important thing is the feeling, and capturing the feeling the way you intend. write, write, write!Then worry about structure. There are some great excercises and tasks on this very website if you need more structural guidance.

Good luck!

S

Re: please be brutal

Fawn_Chino — Sat, 24 Jan 2004 01:53:47 +0000

thats a wicked song!
your a very good writer, i can see Aaron Lewis singing this, or even better, jon davis screaming it. but thats just me, anyways, awesome song
-u know

Re: please be brutal

voodoochild — Fri, 23 Jan 2004 18:26:44 +0000

Thanks for the reply which is just what i needed. And I do have some idea of the stuff i've written before i will try to put it down whenever possible. But my main problem is i can't think straight when i'm writing. I can't be objective. Words just come and go and i have no control of what is going on. I am trying though.........

Re: please be brutal

spam — Fri, 23 Jan 2004 08:19:16 +0000

Please don't burn your songs--and certainly don't erase them from your memory--If they came out of you, there was a spark there that needed to emerge.

Even if you never use it, you can learn from any scribblings, even if you just think of it as an excercise.

Most people who write are never satisfied with the finished product. I can never hear or read a single one of my songs without cringing and thinking I need to change it.

As for your song, I think it's a wee bit heavy-handed, and some of the wording and imagery is confusing. But what's great is that you have the potential to be descriptive at times. That's just my personal taste. Listen to any Nickleback song and you'll see they have both of those traits and that band is very successful!

the protagonist in this song is quite clearly in the depths of dispair, and personally, I think the more raw, unfinished the better; it seems to cut more to the painful point if one is reduced to raw emotion. In this case I get a sense more of fighting the urge to give up/give in.

I think most of us have stared into the abyss at one time or another and can relate to a song like this. You paint a picture of utter loneliness without using the word "alone" which is great. A song doesn't need to make a lot of sense if it is sung and played in an abstract way, but I think it might be more powerful in this case to describe something specific, and don't be afraid to linger on an image;flesh it out. For instance, the line "just isn't fair" well, describe something that isn't fair, to make a more memorable metaphor. Or, "can't someone see my silent scars" where you refer to bleeding wounds just before. You needn't use the words "bleeding" or "silent" or even "weary" if you think about it. in songwriting I believe in being unpredictable.

Please keep writing and submitting. I've performed half of my songs on stage and still don't have the guts to have them held up to scrutiny on this forum!

S

please be brutal

voodoochild — Thu, 22 Jan 2004 19:26:09 +0000

First let me tell you that this is the first song i've written that anyone other than me will know about. Everything I have written upto this point I ended up burning them and erasing them from my memory. And I mean that burning part literally. Anyway this is the song and I myself find most of it highly questionable but I leave it to you to suggest changes wherever possible.
(P.S - The one on the right is the chorus)

___________________________________________

Crazy Days
-----------------

Bleeding wounds on my weary heart
Can't someone see my silent scars
Take one look at that mirror there
Playing a game that just isn't fair

These crazy days
Seem the same as yesterdays
These Crazy Days
Can't take the pain away

Fading faces on the walls of time
These strings can't play what my heart decides
Floating on to some deeper place
Always knew that ot would end this way

These crazy days
Seem the same as yesterdays
These Crazy Days
Can't take the pain away

I know you're waiting for me to throw my life away
But I'll try not to disappoint you today

These crazy days
Seem the same as yesterdays
These Crazy Days
Can't take the pain away