https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/sgg-week-42/ Guitar Noise Discussion Board en-US Thu, 04 Jun 2026 10:28:37 +0000 wpForo 60 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/sgg-week-42/#post-66664 Fri, 27 Aug 2004 00:08:44 +0000
Good idea on the assignment and a brave one at that but accomplished I think.

The feedback you've already got will really add to the piece.

Great start - keep going on this one

Good stuff

Bob :)]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Bob https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/sgg-week-42/#post-66664 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/sgg-week-42/#post-66479 Wed, 25 Aug 2004 21:18:39 +0000
I like the simplicity of this song.... well done... keep it simple is the best way to go, believe me. I agree there are few places that seem a bit out of place but I thnk everyone has already gone over them.
i look forward to the re write.
go well
Ja'mir]]> Sunday Songwriters Group jamir https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/sgg-week-42/#post-66479 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/sgg-week-42/#post-66454 Wed, 25 Aug 2004 17:41:46 +0000
the more I read it the more I like it.
'tighten it up' was some good advice and is something I think you should definitely do. Scratch made some good suggestions.
I can not remember want to forget as for this line to me it makes sense(but I can't put it into words...).. like not being able to remember it all but the bits and pieces of half-remembered things bother you so much you'd rather forget everything

I love the line with the bets(Come one come all place your bets)
makes me think of a song by Incubus(sorry I don't want to say anything with this, it's just what came to my mind :wink: )called 'talk shows on mute': "Come one, come all! into 1984...."
The man with his head in the noose->awesome Gone like the swallows in May->yay! I am an old Male Lion who's lost his mane ->love this although it is not that clear to me(is Male Lion something in particular or is it just a male lion?)

conclusion: very good song, needs a bit work in some places

go well
bluenightangel]]> Sunday Songwriters Group straycat. https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/sgg-week-42/#post-66454 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/sgg-week-42/#post-66435 Wed, 25 Aug 2004 16:30:27 +0000
Nice song I like the way you used so many opposites. Scratch made some good suggestions and I would like to follow the same path.

(I can not remember, I want to forget )

How about;

( I can not remember what I want to forget )

And on the second verse;

(On the morning after
The first night we kissed
Is the last time, do I exist?
Are my true love or just a tryst?)

Maybe somthing like;

(On the morning after
The first night we kissed
Are you my true love or only a tryst?
Is this the last time,do I exist?)


Like Scratch said ," tighten it up a bit, and give it the polish it deserves"]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Celt https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/sgg-week-42/#post-66435 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/sgg-week-42/#post-66417 Wed, 25 Aug 2004 10:04:42 +0000
there are two ways to get that quote box.
1. at the top right corner of the post you want to reply to, there's a button that says "quote". Click on that, and it takes you to the "post a reply" screen with the original poster's text between two quote tags. Just strip out what you don't want to include.
2. When you reply, and you're at the place where you want to include your quote, click the "Quote" button above the text box, copy-paste the text you want to use, and click the "Quote" button again. Voila'.

Now to your song. The first thing I noticed, is that you have a lot of opposites in there. Whereas the rest of us kind of opted to take a single pair of opposite ideas and work with that, you seem to have attempted to exhaust your reservoir of antonyms. That's not bad, just a different take on the assignment.

There are a couple things that I think could be tightened up a bit, and they may seem kind of nit-picky, but it's what I noticed.

1. I'd go through it again and check for grammar and spelling. Now,... as songwriters, we take liberties with grammar, that's understood, but I'd just make sure that you said what you meant to say. For example:
Are my true love or just a tryst? If you said: "Are you my true love, or just a tryst?" I think it would read much more smoothly. Also, "With plan indifference..." makes more sense as "With plain indifference".

This line:You a thoroughbred me an old hound I like the idea there, very much. But you're comparing different species, and I wonder if something like:
"You with your pedigree, me an old hound" might not be a better contrast.

I think in the last 2 verses you should swap the last 2 lines in each, and maybe tighten up the wording a bit. This is what I'm thinking:
I a man with no country
A soul on the lose
The man with his head in the noose
Not really the engine or the caboose I'm a man with no country
a soul on the loose
neither an engine, nor a caboose
a lonely man with his head in a noose.

and: I find myself lost in a pool of regret
I can not remember, I want to forget
Come one come all place you bets
Like some down and out Vietnam Vet I find myself lost in a pool of regret
I can not remember want to forget
Like some down and out Vietnam Vet
Come one come all place your bets

And in that verse, the second line, "I can not remember, want to forget"
if you can't remember, than you have forgotten, haven't you?

Now that it sounds like I've totally ripped apart your submission for this week, let me assure you that I like what you're doing here. You have some very nice lines, and the overall feel for the song is very moving. I especially liked:
"I run for the station to catch the last train".

So tighten it up a bit, and give it the polish it deserves, so that feel doesn't get lost.

-- Scratch 8)]]> Sunday Songwriters Group scratchmonkey https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/sgg-week-42/#post-66417 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/sgg-week-42/#post-3305 Wed, 25 Aug 2004 04:57:44 +0000 Opposites


You say that you love me
That this will always be
But with plan indifference
You say you’ll set me free

On the morning after
The first night we kissed
Is the last time, do I exist?
Are my true love or just a tryst?

Mind full of pleasures and pain
Of loss and gain I think I’m insane
I run for the station to catch the last train
I am an old Male Lion who’s lost his mane

Love Hate
Rich Poor
Day Night
Pleasure Pain
All is loss there is no gain

My soul feels you all around me
But you are so far away
Is this the price I must pay?
Gone like the swallows in May

I’m lost you are found
You are free I am bound
You from the city me from the town
You a thoroughbred me an old hound

I a man with no country
A soul on the lose
The man with his head in the noose
Not really the engine or the caboose

Love Hate
Rich Poor
Day Night
Pleasure Pain
All is loss there is no gain

I find myself lost in a pool of regret
I can not remember want to forget
Come one come all place you bets
Like some down and out Vietnam Vet

All is loss there is no gain (repeat fade)]]> Sunday Songwriters Group bluenotefla https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/sgg-week-42/#post-3305