https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-14-serpentine/ Guitar Noise Discussion Board en-US Thu, 04 Jun 2026 16:27:16 +0000 wpForo 60 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-14-serpentine/#post-157706 Wed, 08 Feb 2006 20:21:11 +0000
Can't wait to jam on this one next time I'm in Chicago!

Peace]]> Sunday Songwriters Group David Hodge https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-14-serpentine/#post-157706 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-14-serpentine/#post-157695 Wed, 08 Feb 2006 20:07:24 +0000 Sunday Songwriters Group katreich https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-14-serpentine/#post-157695 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-14-serpentine/#post-157646 Wed, 08 Feb 2006 17:02:03 +0000
Your imagination is working OT this week. Nice job!

I'll echo the various thoughts here. PBee's take on the second verse is definitely spot on - it could use a bit of tweaking. How about something like:

She's feline
And you're the catspaw
Of her feral mind

That would also give you an addition internal rhyme (with claw in the following line). Just a thought. And, like John, I think the bridge is stunningly beautiful and simple.

More!

What's the music like in your head?

Peace]]> Sunday Songwriters Group David Hodge https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-14-serpentine/#post-157646 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-14-serpentine/#post-157549 Wed, 08 Feb 2006 07:27:09 +0000
Job well done here]]> Sunday Songwriters Group BarnaBus RoX https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-14-serpentine/#post-157549 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-14-serpentine/#post-157512 Wed, 08 Feb 2006 04:18:24 +0000
Good Job

I especially like the bridge
You'll never know
If you'll get what you see
When you're trapped in her menagerie That really pulls everything together for me

John]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Celt https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-14-serpentine/#post-157512 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-14-serpentine/#post-157382 Tue, 07 Feb 2006 22:00:09 +0000
I think your song is good. I'm quite a fan of big / unusual words, I think that they give a song character. The only thing that I would say is that with these lines:
She's Feline
Follows the rules
Made of her own design When I read them I thought, “Shes Feline , follows the rules … “ , (well not in my experience ) and then “made of her own design” (I don't understand) . It wasn't until the second read that I connected the 2nd and 3rd line together and then it made sense. Now it might just be me and the fact that I'm reading it versus listening to you singing it, but maybe you could tweak it to something like this:
She's Feline
She makes the rules
As she goes along Other than that, I liked it, good work.

Oh and I love the lasssssssssst line :wink:

Cheers

pbee]]> Sunday Songwriters Group pbee https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-14-serpentine/#post-157382 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-14-serpentine/#post-157350 Tue, 07 Feb 2006 20:45:28 +0000
I think the writing is very good and flows well in terms of short catchy lines and natural-sounding rhymes, but I have a fundamental problem with using words like serpentine, feline & lupine in a song. For me, the unusual nature of these three words makes it a bit too much of a 'concept' song. Personally if I ever wanted to use serpentine or feline I would want to hide them away in the middle of a verse where they were not so noticeable - whereas here they are the hooks. Lupine I think I would steer clear of but that's just me.

Anyway what's done is done and those words are not a changeable part of the song so I wouldn't advise any changes. If you are happy with the song then I'm sure the performance would be fine. I'm not even in a position to criticise this week's songs as I am struggling badly with the topic myself.]]> Sunday Songwriters Group martin-6 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-14-serpentine/#post-157350 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-14-serpentine/#post-15284 Tue, 07 Feb 2006 20:12:52 +0000
She's serpentine
Steps out of her old skin
Shiny clean
Don't speak of love
She won't know what you mean
She's serpentine
She'll wrap herself around your soul
Look out brother
She'll swallow you whole

She's feline
Follows the rules
Made of her own design
Get her claws in you
You're sidelined
She's feline
She'll play a game of cat and mouse
Look out brother
She'll take your house

She's lupine
Prowls the night to see
What prey she'll find
Don't try to hide
She can read your mind
She's lupine
You can't tame her with all your skill
Look out brother
She's out to kill

You'll never know
If you'll get what you see
When you're trapped in her menagerie

She's serpentine
She shed her old skin
Quick and clean
Son't talk of love
She won't know what you mean
She's serpentine
SSSSSHEE'S Serpentine.]]> Sunday Songwriters Group katreich https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-14-serpentine/#post-15284