https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-35-hard-sell/ Guitar Noise Discussion Board en-US Fri, 05 Jun 2026 00:21:08 +0000 wpForo 60 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-35-hard-sell/#post-253193 Sun, 08 Jul 2007 23:19:23 +0000
Dressed in my best gear I run a combing though my side parted hair
I check my reflection in the bathroom mirror
My eyes produce an admirable stare
I look quite presentable…for once

(Chorus)
Sweat trickles down my back
As I watch him now waiting to react
I don't know whether I'll even get the job
I look for sign that says I'm sold
¬
Pencilled in achievements and bubblegum grades
My CV looks a-bit of a joke
Why did I even apply for this job?
Better pour me another JD and coke

(Chorus)
Sweat trickles down my back
As I watch him now waiting to react
I don't know whether I'll even get the job
I look for sign that says I'm sold

I'm greeted by a firm hand
The man's names Jake
This man's gonna lay down all of his demands
He doesn't half gives me the shakes

(Chorus)
Sweat trickles down my back
As I watch him now waiting to react
I don't know whether I'll even get the job
I look for sign that says I'm sold

With insufficient knowledge I crumble under the pressure
My cloths are drenched with sweat
There's an opening at the local pub
That seems more up my street]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Mr Blue Eyes https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-35-hard-sell/#post-253193 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-35-hard-sell/#post-253013 Sun, 08 Jul 2007 01:59:30 +0000
I'll just add, I got a very Springsteen vibe from the first verse - reminded me of

"Well I stood stone-like at midnight suspended in my masquerade
And I combed my hair till it looked just right and commanded the night brigade"

but you didn't maintain that intensity throughout the song - the chorus is a bit weak, where it should come on strong and re-inforce, or re-affirm, the point you're trying to get across. Couple of good suggestions already, so I won't add any.

For this section....

"I'm greeted by a firm hand
The man's names Jake
This man's gonna lay down all of his demands
He doesn't half gives me the shakes"

you might try something like....

I'm greeted by a strong clasp,
As my hand shakes,
The man's telling me what he wants,
All I want is a break..."

Something along those lines, anyway, just a suggestion.....

Potential. That's a word I tend to use a lot, maybe even over-use, in this forum - but this song's got potential. You've left us in limbo - that's OK in a way, but maybe a little more flesh on the bones of the song - maybe another verse explaining why you're still in limbo - would just round things off nicely.

Anyway, good effort - don't be afraid to finish this off (that's how it struck me - unfinished) and post again. Look forward to reading more from you!

:D :D :D

Vic]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Vic Lewis VL https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-35-hard-sell/#post-253013 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-35-hard-sell/#post-252892 Sat, 07 Jul 2007 06:35:58 +0000
I can't add much more then what has already been said ..

Nice start

Keep em coming

Trev

8) 8)]]> Sunday Songwriters Group BarnaBus RoX https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-35-hard-sell/#post-252892 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-35-hard-sell/#post-252883 Sat, 07 Jul 2007 05:29:15 +0000
Great start. I think this verse is very good.
Pencilled in achievements and bubblegum grades
My CV looks a-bit of a joke
Why did I even apply for this job?
Better pour me another JD and coke The double use of initials works well ( though, I only know what a CV is from watching a bit of British TV, it's not a common term here in Canada at least ). The first line does a great job of communicating a lot with only a few words; good imagery.

Pbee's rewite works well. Also his point about typos. You may want to re-read this. Especially the last line of verse 3. Speaking of verse 3, it seems the only point of giving the interviewer's name is to make the rhyme. Unless there's a hidden meaning that I've missed, you may want to try a rewrite of that line. It's a good sound to rhyme on though. One resource I use when I'm having trouble with a rhyme is the Rhyming Dictionary: http://www.rhymezone.com/ . Sometimes it helps me see an angle that I may not have.

Keep it up, this is a great start ( I may have said that already :) ).]]> Sunday Songwriters Group SlowPlay https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-35-hard-sell/#post-252883 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-35-hard-sell/#post-252734 Fri, 06 Jul 2007 19:34:04 +0000 I can see your point about the chorus being force completely, thanks for the improvements :D]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Mr Blue Eyes https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-35-hard-sell/#post-252734 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-35-hard-sell/#post-252511 Fri, 06 Jul 2007 00:28:34 +0000 Welcome to the forum.

Good start to your song writing career. That first verse had me hooked from the start, I thought it was going to be about a date and was pleasantly surprised to learn in the chorus that it wasn't, well done. I think there might be a few typo's in there that it would pay to fix. (from once = for once).
Sweat trickles down my back
I don't know wither I'll even get the job
But I bet I'll get the sack I do think the chorus might be a little forced especially the back/sack rhyme. By that I mean that the Sweat line doesn't seem to have a purpose other that to rhyme with the last line. Maybe if you expanded on it a bit, something like
Sweat trickles down my back
As I watch him now waiting to react
I don't know whether I'll even get the job
I look for sign that says I'm sold Anyway well done, this song has definite promise.

Cheers

Paul]]> Sunday Songwriters Group pbee https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-35-hard-sell/#post-252511 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-35-hard-sell/#post-26681 Thu, 05 Jul 2007 23:33:59 +0000
Dressed in my best gear I run a combing though my side parted hair
I check my reflection in the bathroom mirror
My eyes produce an admirable stare
I look quite presentable…from once

(Chorus)
Sweat trickles down my back
I don't know wither I'll even get the job
But I bet I'll get the sack

Pencilled in achievements and bubblegum grades
My CV looks a-bit of a joke
Why did I even apply for this job?
Better pour me another JD and coke

(Chorus)
Sweat trickles down my back
I don't know wither I'll even get the job
But I bet I'll get the sack

I'm greeted by a firm hand
The man's names Jake
This man's gonna lay down all of his demands
He doesn't half gives me the shakes

(Chorus)
Sweat trickles down my back
I don't know wither I'll even get the job
But I bet I'll get the sack]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Mr Blue Eyes https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-35-hard-sell/#post-26681