https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-10-2/ Guitar Noise Discussion Board en-US Thu, 04 Jun 2026 22:40:52 +0000 wpForo 60 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-10-2/#post-56244 Fri, 09 Jan 2004 12:31:29 +0000 I'll Show You alone and use the way it was it the first post and I took Bob's suggestions and changed The Cup of Death.  I hope you like it.

Cup of Death:
The cup of death will kill your mind
Filled up with thoughts asinine
The cup of death will quench your thirst
It's just your life to give up first

I'll Show You:
I'll show you how to be
Conform yourslef to be like me
I'll show you my way's right
I will slowly blind your sight
Give your freedom up to me
Today's your last day to be free

I thank you all again for your comments.  I'll see you all for the next assignment.]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Raz0r https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-10-2/#post-56244 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-10-2/#post-56243 Fri, 09 Jan 2004 08:52:51 +0000 like the "finish" on a piece of furniture or a fine car.
Good stuff, just needed a little polishing. :D]]> Sunday Songwriters Group MJBird https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-10-2/#post-56243 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-10-2/#post-56242 Fri, 09 Jan 2004 07:21:09 +0000
I really like what you did with both the titles, which were mine's!  ;D. The last line in Cup of Death though doesn't seem to work that well, but otherwise I like it.  And I agree with Bob, I think the first version of I'll Show You sounds and feels more horrible, which is good...not what I was expecting, but a great job, anyway.

Good work!
Laura]]> Sunday Songwriters Group BlackSwan https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-10-2/#post-56242 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-10-2/#post-56241 Thu, 08 Jan 2004 15:42:00 +0000
Welcome to the SSG glad to have you aboard.  Both submissions are fine I think the last line of Cup of death is a difficult line to get around and would suggest maybe revisiting it to see if you can just make it flow that bit easier.

An alternative could be

The cup of death will kill your mind
Filled up with thoughts asinine
The cup of death will quench your thirst
It's just your life to give up first

Thisis the beauty of the SSG as you'll get different opinions on the different submissions and we'll all still be friends  ;).  I actually preferred the original version you did for I'll show you I think it flows fairly well.  It's got a real sinister quality but that again it's that last line that just doesn't quite fit.

An alternative could be:

Today's your last day to be free

Good Stuff

Bob  ;)
]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Bob https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-10-2/#post-56241 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-10-2/#post-56240 Thu, 08 Jan 2004 13:57:07 +0000
Cup of Death:
The cup of death will kill your mind
Fill it up with thoughts asinine
The cup of death will quench your thirst
But you must give up your life first

I'll Show You:
I'll show you how to be
Change you to be like me
I'll show you my way's right
Your sight turn black as night
I'll show you there's no hope
And with that you must cope
I'll show you!

I changed the syllable count to match accordingly.  I should've done that first so I apologize.  I hope this is better.  Thank you for your criticism.]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Raz0r https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-10-2/#post-56240 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-10-2/#post-56239 Thu, 08 Jan 2004 09:40:07 +0000 hardest part done....the idea and the general layout.

Just need to rework the lines a little to get them
more in time.  Leave each line with the same meaning
but ask yourself...can this word go...does it add or detract?  Can I add a word to make this bump along
in a better way?  

Oh...and welcome to the group!]]> Sunday Songwriters Group MJBird https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-10-2/#post-56239 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-10-2/#post-1612 Thu, 08 Jan 2004 00:15:59 +0000
Cup of Death:
The cup of death will kill your mind
Fill it with thoughts asinine
The cup of death will quench your thirst
You must give up your life first

I'll Show You:
I'll show you how to be
Conform yourslef to be like me
I'll show you my way's right
I will slowly blind your sight
Give your freedom up to me
Today's the last day you'll be free

So yeah, there ya go.  Critique.]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Raz0r https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-10-2/#post-1612