SSG WEEK 13 - Sunday Songwriters Group

RE: SSG WEEK 13

jamir — Fri, 04 Feb 2005 22:35:46 +0000

Hi'a and congrats on getting around to submitting something,

it is a very good read, a tad long and involved for my personal taste, but can be trimmed really well without loosing the essence of the song.

Themeter jumps around a bit but I think this would be solved also if the excess was trimmed away.
I hope we get to read a re write of this. It will be well worth it'
Go well
Ja'mir

RE: SSG WEEK 13

scratchmonkey — Thu, 03 Feb 2005 00:25:15 +0000

This is great piece, kinda got this Dire Straits Telegraph road feel to it. Amen to that. Maybe the line could read something like: â€œAnd had two kids in my younger daysâ€ or: "Had a few kids along the way"
or: "Had a couple kids along the way"
however you wanted to work the syllables to make it fit your meter. I agree with Olav that the guy'd know how many kids he had. But I also like the way that it's somehow not central to the character. They've all grown up and left, and now they're not around, and kind of not involved in the guy's life at all. So maybe keeping it vague with a more general term like "few" or "couple" keeps that feeling, at the same time removing the notion that he's somehow uncertain about the number, which could be distracting.

Just my $0.02. Oh yeah,... almost forgot... I LOVED reading this one. Hope this will lure you into the open more often.

RE: SSG WEEK 13

Olav — Wed, 02 Feb 2005 16:48:05 +0000

Katreich
First of all welcome. Glad you decided to join us.
This is great piece, kinda got this Dire Straits Telegraph road feel to it.
The only lines that did not sit well with me is
”And had a kid or two along the way”
To me he should be certain if he had one or two kids along the way. Know what I mean?
Maybe the line could read something like: “And had two kids in my younger days”
Anyway, just an idea. Other than that I enjoyed the piece.
Blessings. Olav

RE: SSG WEEK 13

katreich — Wed, 02 Feb 2005 16:22:49 +0000

Thanks so much for the feedback! I'm not that happy with the first verse myself, but wanted to "introduce the character" so to speak. I am actually thinking of making the second verse the chorus. The " swivel chair and solitaire" lines were actually the seed of this whole song. I built everything else around them.

RE: SSG WEEK 13

sozay — Wed, 02 Feb 2005 07:06:12 +0000

katreich
very nice debut. i pretty much agree with what guitargeek said.
loved the 'solitaire' line too, as well as 'Now it's the TV and the microwave
On a watchman's pay'

look forward to seeing more
sozay

RE: SSG WEEK 13

guitargeek — Tue, 01 Feb 2005 20:37:05 +0000

this is a pretty good peice! i think it got better as it went on, here is what i think in a little more detail...

The first verse isnt half as good as the others in my opinion, it seems to not flow so well, too many words in some places or syllabals maybe..

So now I work all night and sleep all day
Can't sleep alone at night anyway
I just toss and turn the night away <<< the word 'night' appears to many times

So I just sit here in my swivel chair
Playing endless games of solitaire <<<< BRILLIANT line ;)

And everything after that is fantastic! just the first bit i think needs some adjusting! but overall i really enjoyed it well done :)

SSG WEEK 13

katreich — Tue, 01 Feb 2005 18:52:57 +0000

I've been creeping around this forum for months, reading everyone els'e stuff, but have never actually posted anything. I've made a resolution to do more writing this year, so I thought I'd take a stab at it!

The Night Watchman

I used to work back in the factory
The 40 years I worked there flew by for me
The years all wrapped up in my memory
Seem like a day
Married my sweetheart graduation day
And had a kid or two along the way
Now they're all grown up and moved away
The clock ticks on

So now I work all night and sleep all day
Can't sleep alone at night anyway
I just toss and turn the night away
Since she's been gone
So I just sit here in my swivel chair
Playing endless games of solitaire
Can't stay home alone with no one there
Since she's been gone

We always talked abaout the trips we'd take
The house we meant to buy up at the lake
I guess that waiting was out big mistake
Time runs away
I gave the kida all of the cashe we'd saved
On the day we laid her in her grave
Now it's the TV and the microwave
On a watchman's pay

I bring a thermos full of good strong joe,
And I watch the night shift come and go
They call out "hey how's it going bro?"
As I make my rounds
And when they tell bout their dreams in life
I always tell them "kiss your wife,
Cause when they're gone the pain cuts like aknife
Right through your heart