https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-31-my-attempt/ Guitar Noise Discussion Board en-US Fri, 05 Jun 2026 04:10:00 +0000 wpForo 60 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-31-my-attempt/#post-61766 Sat, 05 Jun 2004 01:03:16 +0000
the courus means you ahve to be one or t he other, you can't be both like a salamander, so you ahve to be "one of these" not both. . .]]> Sunday Songwriters Group ruepickle https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-31-my-attempt/#post-61766 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-31-my-attempt/#post-61726 Fri, 04 Jun 2004 18:47:45 +0000
I can almost hear it. I'm still a little hazy as to what the chorus means, but I guess that's part of the allure. I think what you are trying to say is that you can't be a fish out of water, and you can't be a man in the sea, and if you want to have the best of both worlds, you have to become a salamander. If that's the case, then I think the last line of the chorus is a little unclear in what "one of these" refers to.

Still, that's just a nitpick

But it does still need a title. I think I'd just call it "Fish out of water".

Marco

Polo

Regards,

Doug]]> Sunday Songwriters Group DougJoy https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-31-my-attempt/#post-61726 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-31-my-attempt/#post-61614 Thu, 03 Jun 2004 04:53:22 +0000 Sunday Songwriters Group ruepickle https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-31-my-attempt/#post-61614 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-31-my-attempt/#post-61612 Thu, 03 Jun 2004 04:16:23 +0000
Even the salamander line flows! This revision is really good.

Ever-so-humbly, :oops:

-- Scratch]]> Sunday Songwriters Group scratchmonkey https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-31-my-attempt/#post-61612 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-31-my-attempt/#post-61611 Thu, 03 Jun 2004 03:48:53 +0000
Revised version # 2

Untitled

Stand up all you faithless ones
Be strong in what you don't believe
Let the momentum release
you where the flowing rivers cease

Attuned to receiving your desires
You seek the Holy Grail
Searching for what can't be found
You beat a path into the ground

Not a fish out of water
Nor a man under the sea
You are no salamander
You must be one of these

What township are you courting
is it Christ's or your own
Will you stand or will you stall
In giving pain to the Lord of all

Not a fish out of water
Nor a man under the sea
You are no salamander
You must be one of these

He is the answer to your quest
The only one who can conquer all
His scars will cover these
All your fears and iniquities]]> Sunday Songwriters Group ruepickle https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-31-my-attempt/#post-61611 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-31-my-attempt/#post-61609 Thu, 03 Jun 2004 03:26:21 +0000
... and you'd come so far. :wink:

"... To the place rivers don't flow" is completely out of sync with the rest of the first verse. And that verse is particularly strong! Look:

Stand up all you faithless ones --> A command to attention! establishes a good meter
Be strong in what you don't believe --> also very strong, and an interesting phrasing as well
Let the momentum take you --> Yes! , I'm ready for that strong definitive closing line now,...
To the place rivers dont' flow. --> huh?

It doesn't rhyme, it doesn't fit the meter, it's just out of place. It's like that piece of fuzz on the edge of the cinema screen that keeps flitting back and forth. There's a terrific story being told, but your attention keeps going back to that fuzzy thing.

Understand, I only say all this because I always enjoy reading your posts. And this song has much in it to commend, as the previous posters have noted. The point you're making here is quite good, and the imagery is also very good. Maybe you could tighten up the rhyming and the meter a bit though. I thought the salamander line was a bit forced, but that falls within the constraints we were given. and I could easily gloss over it if the other line were fixed.

I did mention that I like this one, didn't I? If not, then I do. 8)

ooh..ooh -- what about "where the flowing rivers cease"?

Anyways, that's my tangential rant for today. Remember, it's just my $0.02, and it's only one line.

-- Scratch]]> Sunday Songwriters Group scratchmonkey https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-31-my-attempt/#post-61609 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-31-my-attempt/#post-61572 Wed, 02 Jun 2004 13:28:36 +0000
This is good stuff. I like the revised version. My only query is about these lines

A fish out of water
A man on the ground

It seems you're trying to say that you can't be a fish out of water or a man on the ground because you can't exist in both environments. It's an either or situation. The lines just don't sit right with me.

A brief suggestion

Not a fish out of water
Nor a man under the sea
You are no salamander
You must be one of these

Hopefully I've understood what you were trying to say.

Otherwise good stuff

Bob :wink:]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Bob https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-31-my-attempt/#post-61572 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-31-my-attempt/#post-61555 Tue, 01 Jun 2004 23:47:01 +0000
Untitled

Stand up all you faithless ones
Be strong in what you don't believe
Let the momentum take you
To the place rivers don't flow

Attuned to receiving your desires
You seek the Holy Grail
Searching for what can't be found
You beat a path into the ground

A fish out of water
A man on the ground
You must be one of these
No salamanders can you be

What township are you courting
is it Christ's or your own
Will you stand or will you stall
In giving pain to the Lord of all

A fish out of water
A man on the ground
You must be one of these
No salamanders can you be

He is the answer to your quest
The only one who can conquer all
His scars will cover these
All your fears and iniquities]]> Sunday Songwriters Group ruepickle https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-31-my-attempt/#post-61555 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-31-my-attempt/#post-61554 Tue, 01 Jun 2004 23:45:34 +0000 Sunday Songwriters Group ruepickle https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-31-my-attempt/#post-61554 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-31-my-attempt/#post-61535 Tue, 01 Jun 2004 05:15:59 +0000 I think you done a fine job

the only suggestions I have, If I may are;

1...maybe lose the chorus between the first and second verse

2...What township are you in
Christ's or your own

how about
what township are you courting
Is it Christ's or your own

(MY OPINION ONLY)]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Tokai 12 String https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-31-my-attempt/#post-61535