SSG Week 35 - "(Hard to) Sell Yourself - Sunday Songwriters Group

RE: SSG Week 35 - "(Hard to) Sell Yourself

Embrace_the_Darkness — Thu, 05 Jul 2007 18:36:53 +0000

Thanks for the comments everyone!

It's interesting to see that you all took that line in a different way. When I wrote it, I was going for what Katreich said: even though she thinks she's dressed to attract, she is in fact doing the opposite, therefore guranteeing that she'll be alone. I'll definately have a look and see what I can re-write to clear it up a bit though. :D

Trev: you said If your ugly on the inside , doesn't that make you ugly on the outside ? My response would be "no"; I've known some people who, on the surface, appear to be very attractice - when you scratch that surface, boy is it a different story. And thanks for the kind comments! :D

Slowplay: n my experience, any woman willing to wear a short skirt and a tight top will always find a sufficiently shallow man to be with her on any given night no matter how desperate or clingy she may be
I agree here actually, so I think that a re-write of that line is definately needed.

Thanks again everyone!

Pete

RE: SSG Week 35 - "(Hard to) Sell Yourself

BarnaBus RoX — Thu, 05 Jul 2007 11:46:46 +0000

My skirt is NOT too short...LOL
Maybe she needs glasses, if she's got eye shadow plastered all over her face - hey, wait, how DO you put on eye shadow when you wear thick glasses? LOLElle Very s l o w l y :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

RE: SSG Week 35 - "(Hard to) Sell Yourself

SlowPlay — Thu, 05 Jul 2007 06:52:53 +0000

I guess I'm having trouble seeing it like that, since in my experience, any woman willing to wear a short skirt and a tight top will always find a sufficiently shallow man to be with her on any given night no matter how desperate or clingy she may be. :( Unless we're talking long term in the song, she won't be alone, she will only feel alone.

Maybe we have to wait for Pete to enlighten us.

RE: SSG Week 35 - "(Hard to) Sell Yourself

katreich — Thu, 05 Jul 2007 05:49:22 +0000

What I'm getting out of " You're alone tonight" line is the idea that even though she thinks she's dressed to attract, she is in fact doing the opposite, therefore guranteeing that she'll be alone. Of course, I could be wrong.................

RE: SSG Week 35 - "(Hard to) Sell Yourself

SlowPlay — Thu, 05 Jul 2007 04:47:24 +0000

Regarding the line "You're alone tonight"... after reading Paul's comment on it, I may have been wrong about where you were going with it. If you're going that way, I think you'd be best to spell it out and do something like "You're making darn sure you're alone tonight in a stranger's arms".

RE: SSG Week 35 - "(Hard to) Sell Yourself

pbee — Thu, 05 Jul 2007 03:38:43 +0000

Hi Pete,
Yeah I'm with Joe and SP. Nice. I also stumbled over â€œYou're alone tonightâ€, I kind of get what your saying, that even though she's gorgeous her soul sucks and until that changes she's going to be alone, but I think â€œYou're not alone tonightâ€ also works in this context, cos it shows how she is trying to deceive.
Also the despised line stands out maybe,
So you're not fooling
Anyone's eyes
Can't you see
How you're despised Cheers

Paul

RE: SSG Week 35 - "(Hard to) Sell Yourself

SlowPlay — Wed, 04 Jul 2007 07:12:22 +0000

Hey Pete,

Like Joe, I thought this was pretty good. Simple and straightforward... which are not always bad things. If there are some lines you don't like, you can fix 'em up later when you've got some time.

I had a few spots that I thought needed to change.

Should this have read: Skirt too short
With a top too tight
You're making darn sure
You're not alone tonight Also the line "How you're despised"; the implication of this line is that some else hates her, but I think the song is going for is that she only hates herself. I took a shot at fixing it ( though I'm guessing you'll be able to do better if you take the time ).
So you're not fooling
Anyone's eyes
You're bound and gagged
By store front lies

RE: SSG Week 35 - "(Hard to) Sell Yourself

BarnaBus RoX — Wed, 04 Jul 2007 05:04:44 +0000

Hey Pete

No big red wow this time :lol: :lol: sorry about that

Just one little thing , and don't get me wrong I like this

If your ugly on the inside , doesn't that make you ugly on the outside ?

Like someone who thinks they are a ugly person , is usually very shy sort of person or is that just me ? :wink:

When you're ugly on the inside
Ugly on the inside <--- Your ugly on the outside as well

or

When you're ugly on the inside
Your beauty doesn't show

or

When you're ugly on the inside
There won't be any love

Just some ideas off the top of my head

Your writting is getting alot more graphic now days

I like how you are maturing as a writter good stuff

Keep it up

Trev

RE: SSG Week 35 - "(Hard to) Sell Yourself

Ellenback — Wed, 04 Jul 2007 04:27:51 +0000

My skirt is NOT too short...LOL

I like this, a lot, Reincarnate...the only part I have trouble with is the 'shelf' word, and that's just a bias. I tried writing a song once with that word in it, and yes, it was to rhyme with 'self' and I just couldn't get it! It just sounded so cliche to me! But, yours works, a lot better than mine did.

Maybe she needs glasses, if she's got eye shadow plastered all over her face - hey, wait, how DO you put on eye shadow when you wear thick glasses? LOL

Your pretty smile
Will fade with the years
To be replaced
By lonely tears

I like this part best, I think. I've wanted to say that very same thing to many GRRRLS that think they're such hot stuff...wait till you get old and invisible, little girl! LOL

Good stuff for off the cuff, Reincarnate!

Elle

RE: SSG Week 35 - "(Hard to) Sell Yourself

Joe — Tue, 03 Jul 2007 02:46:51 +0000

Actually, I like it. Simple, but meaningful. Well done. Looking forward to hearing it.