https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-39/ Guitar Noise Discussion Board en-US Thu, 04 Jun 2026 06:09:04 +0000 wpForo 60 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-39/#post-335598 Thu, 30 Jul 2009 20:52:12 +0000
Personally, it didn't matter what sense it made - it worked with right attitude....

Just add the bling, try not to sing, dunt meddle with the devil.

Rap on!
D 8)]]> Sunday Songwriters Group DylanBarrett https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-39/#post-335598 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-39/#post-335570 Thu, 30 Jul 2009 17:09:47 +0000 (Hades didn't have the bad connotation it does today . . . it was just the proper place people went in their afterlife)
I believe that's why the eyes of the dead were covered with coins . . . to pay for the ride.

But putting that aside, I think this would be better if there was a conflict between the ferryman and the ascending soul . . .
where the ferryman is calling to the soul to take a ride in his boat . . . and the soul resists that temptation.
As it's written now, I'm not sure what the role of the ferryman is.]]> Sunday Songwriters Group KR2 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-39/#post-335570 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-39/#post-335530 Thu, 30 Jul 2009 04:16:47 +0000 I think I like the imagery of a soul rising to heaven and seeing Satan on the way up, though I'd suggest just having this person keep going up, and Satan having no claim on him Im with Jeremy, drop the last verse.

cheers
Paul]]> Sunday Songwriters Group pbee https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-39/#post-335530 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-39/#post-335409 Wed, 29 Jul 2009 05:37:54 +0000 I saw him shake and I saw him shiver I say forget the last verse - instead focus on the heavenly dwelling and leaving Satan behind

jeremy]]> Sunday Songwriters Group contagiousjerm https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-39/#post-335409 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-39/#post-335307 Tue, 28 Jul 2009 05:54:20 +0000 Thanks for the comments , but i think it is "bin time" for this one Don't be too hasty...the bin's a harsh fate. Like I (well, we!) said, some good ideas and imagery there - it just needs a little clarification. Nick's rules are still holding up well, aren't they - I'd go with the re-write rather than the bin.

:D :D :D

Vic]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Vic Lewis VL https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-39/#post-335307 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-39/#post-335216 Mon, 27 Jul 2009 08:40:48 +0000 Thanks for the comments , but i think it is "bin time" for this one]]> Sunday Songwriters Group jamir https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-39/#post-335216 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-39/#post-335214 Mon, 27 Jul 2009 07:50:49 +0000
Good start :D I like the imagery going on.

Suggestion:

There is a lot of set up but little action. Consider telling more of the story behind the characters...more action focused...is the singer an angel?...is the place to be cleaned up Hell or Earth?

"and I thought he reigned over the styx river"...this line adds a bit of confusion as to who the singer is.

If it is a human soul rising to Heaven it's understandable they might not recognize the Devil but then why have the task of cleaning up the dirty hole?

BUT

If the singer is an angel it's understandable they might have the task of cleaning up the dirty hole but why would they not recognize the Devil?

The majority of the idea is there. It just might take a few words or lines here or there to modify for clarification.

James]]> Sunday Songwriters Group jamestoffee https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-39/#post-335214 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-39/#post-335206 Mon, 27 Jul 2009 05:43:44 +0000
Or maybe it's just that I'm tired - it's almost 4am - and my brain's not putting it all together? I'll have another look when I've had some sleep...one thing that did jar a little, though, was the tense of this section....

"I'm here (PRESENT TENSE)to clean up , this festering dirty hole
black like coal
that was (PAST TENSE? maybe "that's" - Present tense again - would work better...) my goal
that was my role, and I wasn't gonna leave
even if he said please again because"

Maybe the whole thing should be in the present tense....although, on second thoughts, the rest of the song is in the past (reported) tense, so maybe it's "I'm here" that needs changing? Bah. I hate it when I can't think straight! Too tired...

:D :D :D

Vic]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Vic Lewis VL https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-39/#post-335206 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-39/#post-36735 Sun, 26 Jul 2009 13:23:58 +0000
I found myself floating on a cloud of silver white,
in the dead of night ,
not a soul in sight
but there was the light I'd heard so much about
but I had some doubt

Who was that man in the corner of my eye
who began to cry
as I floated by
knowing I had died and was on my way
and was here to stay

I saw him shake and I saw him shiver
and I thought he reigned over the styx river

I turned on my cloud and looked him in the eye
A quivering guy
He couldn't deny
But I didn't know why, till he asked me to go
and leave him alone

I saw him shake and I saw him shiver
and I thought he reigned over the styx river

I saw my soul reflected in the cold and murky deep
He hadn't got much sleep
In his dirty little keep
once he heard my feet, and knew I was on my way
later on this day

My light shone bright and made him turn away
and made his darkness day
before he could say
just please, go away, and leave me alone
just go home

I saw him shake and I saw him shiver
and I thought he reigned over the styx river

I'm here to clean up , this festering dirty hole
black like coal
that was my goal
that was my role, and I wasn't gonna leave
even if he said please again because

I saw him shake and I saw him shiver
and I thought he reigned over the styx river]]> Sunday Songwriters Group jamir https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-39/#post-36735