https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-4-tomd/ Guitar Noise Discussion Board en-US Thu, 04 Jun 2026 15:17:08 +0000 wpForo 60 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-4-tomd/#post-55905 Fri, 28 Nov 2003 10:53:31 +0000 I think you might have been trying to skirt the
assignment rules with that one.  Let Nick be the
judge  :)

I like short line songs.  Can't help it.
but....
maybe they could be a bit more meaty.
]]> Sunday Songwriters Group MJBird https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-4-tomd/#post-55905 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-4-tomd/#post-55904 Thu, 27 Nov 2003 01:27:19 +0000
This is a good starting point and you did mention that there are aspects of it you aren't too happy with.  Olav's critique is a good place to move the song forward and shape it more how you want.

Verse 2 as Olav says cut too deep and sliding down a hill don't really meet well.

Verse 3 Instead of oust use move and instead of prove use disprove and it greatly improves the verse.

Verse 4 'All Too Soon Are Gone' is quite an old style of speaking and may sound better as Are all too soon gone - picky I know ;)

I kept reading Prechorus as precious and with the final Lord of the Rings instalment on the way was beginning to get distracted.

As I said at the beginning it's a good starting point give it a day or so and have another look.

Good Stuff

Bob  :)]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Bob https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-4-tomd/#post-55904 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-4-tomd/#post-55903 Wed, 26 Nov 2003 21:37:35 +0000  
V1
Line 2
Who are always talking? You or them. If they are I suggest: They are always talking

V2
Line 3
Needs a lot of work. Cut to deep and sliding down a steep hill really dont have anything in common, do they? Can you word it in a different way?

Chorus
Line 4 need a lot of work. May I suggest - Someone without a hateful stare.  

V3
Line 4
Oust myself. Would you actually use that word in a conversation even if the definition is right. I think you have some good lines in V3 and V4, and I think they would tie in better if you changed V4 Line 3 and 4 into something that would continue the story you started. I cannot for the life of me come up with a good suggestion.

2nd Chorus is really good

Hope I was not too hard on you
Blessings
Olav
]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Olav https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-4-tomd/#post-55903 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-4-tomd/#post-1517 Wed, 26 Nov 2003 19:43:11 +0000
SSG 4

*Verse 1*
They know who I am
Always talking
About my differences
And the way I'm walking

*Verse 2*
Their harsh words
Cut too deep
Like I'm sliding down a hill that's just to steep

*Prechorus Thing*
So ..
If you really want to know me

*Chorus*
Ask someone who loves me
Someone who really cares
Ask someone who loves me
Someone who doesn't sit and stare

*Verse 3*
I just can't handle
These emotions
Maybe I'll oust myself
To prove their notions

*Verse 4*
That I'm crazy
And don't belong
In a world where things
All too soon are gone

*Prechorus Thing*
But ..
If you really want to know me

*2nd Chorus*
Ask someone who loves me
Someone who helps me make
Sense of it all
Ask someone who loves me
Someone who really cares
Someone who doesn't care about my looks
And doesn't look with cold stares

*Outro (with guitar riff)*
Someone who loves me...

©2003 Tom Danner

I don't think it's that great yet...I like the idea but I think I could have worded it better. Let me know what you think.

-Tom]]> Sunday Songwriters Group TomD https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg-week-4-tomd/#post-1517