SSG2 - Week 1 - Apefeet - Sunday Songwriters Group

Re: SSG2 - Week 1 - Apefeet

apefeet — Fri, 14 Nov 2003 08:44:45 +0000

Ok here is version 2.

Gamblin Man

They meet at the county fair
He was a sweet talk'n man.
With fine cloths and jewels.
He promised her the world.

For he was a gamblin man
cards where his game.
And he never lost, but everybody knows
Those cards can turn on a man.

She fell in love with him
But papa told her hes no good
just a sweet talk'n gambler
who would one day get his reward.

Them cards were good to him.
And one spring day they wed
He gave her a big house
And she told papa he was wrong

But one day while playing
he came up with an extra card.
And got a bullet in the head for his reward.
Now she knows papa was right

Re: SSG2 - Week 1 - Apefeet

apefeet — Mon, 10 Nov 2003 20:45:25 +0000

Thanks for the feed back.

Dave I like your suggestion for the chorus, it sounds much better. I originally was working with 4 line verses, but could not get the story to flow right with four lines. The story did not seem to move right. I had not really done alot of thought on music, but I think a guitar run at end of each verse might work good. I was approaching this as kind of a camp fire song.

Rich

Re: SSG2 - Week 1 - Apefeet

Nick Torres — Mon, 10 Nov 2003 20:31:40 +0000

The three line verse threw me a bit too, are you planning to put a little guitar run in for the fourth line?

I think you have a lot of missed opportunities for metaphor, imagery and powerful word choices.

for instance:

He gave her a fine house
Them cards were good to him.
But Papa was right.

He built her a house of cards
but when he folded
so did they

I think you could narrow the focus of time and help yourself out here.

Re: SSG2 - Week 1 - Apefeet

David Hodge — Fri, 07 Nov 2003 23:56:58 +0000

Greetings and welcome, Apefeet!

A couple of quick thoughts:

In the chorus, you've got a great idea but I think that the way you've worded it (using "cards" three times) dilutes what you're trying to say. Maybe something like this:

For he was a gamblin man
Cards were his game.
And he never lost but still everyone knows
Those cards can turn on a man just the same

And I'd be interested in hearing how you phrase the verses. Call me too much of a conformist, but I can help thinking there should be a fourth line!

Looking forward to reading much more of your material.

Peace

SSG2 - Week 1 - Apefeet

apefeet — Fri, 07 Nov 2003 23:43:18 +0000

I've been reading Guitarnoise since January. Since SSG is starting over
I decided to try my hand. I've been playing about 5 years now but
still consider myself a beginner. I've written a couple of songs and will
see about posting them.
Rich

I'm thinking 3/4 time with simple folk strum.

Gamblin Man

They meet at the county fair
He was a sweet talk'n man.
He Promised her the world

For he was a gamblin man
cards where his game.
And he never lost at cards.
But those cards can turn on a man.

Papa told her hes no good
Just a sweet talk'n gambler
But one fine spring day they wed

He gave her a fine house
Them cards were good to him.
But Papa was right.

One day he came up with an extra card.
And got a bullet in the head for his reward.
Now she knows Papa was right

<- Not sure about final chorus here.