https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week-1-metalhead/ Guitar Noise Discussion Board en-US Fri, 05 Jun 2026 01:13:12 +0000 wpForo 60 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week-1-metalhead/#post-55718 Wed, 12 Nov 2003 18:22:39 +0000
"raising my shot glass high in the air
hoping this shot will take me out of here "

I think it needs to be longer, Metalhead; get some more misery in there before the hero dies. First song? Well done.

Best,


A :-)
]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Alan Green https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week-1-metalhead/#post-55718 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week-1-metalhead/#post-55717 Tue, 11 Nov 2003 06:17:58 +0000
Critiquing is the best way to learn.

You read and find what you do like and copy it, and what you don't like and avoid it.

And you do have experience listening to music.  So tell them what you think.  What you liked and what sounded corny.  What parts felt like they had rhythm and which didn't.  What couldn't you understand?

It all helps.]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Nick Torres https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week-1-metalhead/#post-55717 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week-1-metalhead/#post-55716 Tue, 11 Nov 2003 03:43:30 +0000
Mike]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Anonymous https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week-1-metalhead/#post-55716 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week-1-metalhead/#post-55715 Tue, 11 Nov 2003 00:15:20 +0000
I really do need to get better at explaining things! Sorry. By "mixing up the imagery" I meant that I thought the whole idea of shot/shot brought out a lot of the western flavor. But "poison" made me think more along the lines of British mystery. Agatha Christie sort of thing. Nick just did a much better job of the old "show don't tell" routine than I did!  ;)

I should have said "that's just me!" I'm certain that people got poisoned all the time back then! But in my mind a "bullet to the head" seemed more in keeping with the theme than "poisoning them in the head."

Anything that anyone suggests here, as I'm sure you know, is simply a suggestion and offered merely in the hopes of helping. I'm glad you took this step in posting and I hope you not only feel free to post more but (just as important) also take part in the critiques. I've learned about as much about my lyric writing from offering critiques as well as reading the ones addressed to me.

Peace]]> Sunday Songwriters Group David Hodge https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week-1-metalhead/#post-55715 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week-1-metalhead/#post-55714 Tue, 11 Nov 2003 00:13:12 +0000
I agree with David, plenty of potential in there.  

About imagery, let's say you want to use imagery of a gun.  Think of all the words that fit:

bullet
chamber
trigger
loaded
fire
shoot
cold blue steel
hollow points
black talons
automatic
saturday night special
magnum
clip
ricochet


and many more I suppose.  You can use those words throughout your song to describe things.  But only use one kind of imagery.  Stick with the gun imagery, don't switch to poison.

Now I suggest you do the patented Alan Green walk around and read it out loud test.  See if any words stick out at you as wrong.  See if the rhythm doesn't work.  Do you have to rush to finish a sentence?  Go fix it.  For example the end of verse one "in the head" seems a little forced.

the strong whiskey helps me forget my rage

Look at the sentence above, can you think of a better word than "strong".  Bitter, burning, cheap or something, or leave the description out.  Whiskey has imagery all it's own.

Try going through your lyric from last line to first to see if you have any logic inconsistency.  For instance, "killing people, leaving them for dead"   When it's done it's done.  You could kill people or leave them for dead.  But not both at the same time.  Leaving for dead assumes they are currently alive.

Good writing,

Nick]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Nick Torres https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week-1-metalhead/#post-55714 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week-1-metalhead/#post-55713 Mon, 10 Nov 2003 23:50:44 +0000
No deadlines. No butchering either! I think you've got some good stuff here. You might want to try harder not to mix up the imagery. Hello David, i'm not totally sure what you mean by mixing up the imagery, but thank you for the compliment.  It is a little scary  ;D  posting songs on here, especially since I have never written a song before.  But this is a great group of people so I won't hesitate to post anything here.
In the first verse, you might want to replace "poison." Since the strength of your song is in the wordplay between "shot" (from a bottle) and "shot" (from a gun) (just thought of something! you could even call it "the next shot"), you might want to try something like this:

the earth is a cell and death is the key
all around I look and see only misery
people killing people, leaving them for dead
greed and lust are just a bullet to the head

In the chorus, I think you'll be stronger by staying in the first person and in the "here" instead of "there":

a wasted and broke cowboy without a gun
just another wild west forgotten son
raise my whiskey shot glass high in the air
and hope the next shot takes me out of here

Just a thought...

Peace I like the title change, although I haven't had any luck with finding a different word to use besides "poisoning".  So I will have to leave it for now.  And you are correct, I should have definately kept the chorus in first person, maybe that is why I got a little confused.  I hadn't realized that I had switched.
]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Anonymous https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week-1-metalhead/#post-55713 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week-1-metalhead/#post-55712 Mon, 10 Nov 2003 23:08:33 +0000
No deadlines. No butchering either! I think you've got some good stuff here. You might want to try harder not to mix up the imagery.

In the first verse, you might want to replace "poison." Since the strength of your song is in the wordplay between "shot" (from a bottle) and "shot" (from a gun) (just thought of something! you could even call it "the next shot"), you might want to try something like this:

the earth is a cell and death is the key
all around I look and see only misery
people killing people, leaving them for dead
greed and lust are just a bullet to the head

In the chorus, I think you'll be stronger by staying in the first person and in the "here" instead of "there":

a wasted and broke cowboy without a gun
just another wild west forgotten son
raise my whiskey shot glass high in the air
and hope the next shot takes me out of here

Just a thought...

Peace
]]> Sunday Songwriters Group David Hodge https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week-1-metalhead/#post-55712 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week-1-metalhead/#post-1483 Mon, 10 Nov 2003 07:44:09 +0000
The Next Shot

the earth is a cell and death is the key
all around I look and see only misery
people hurting people, leaving them for dead
with lust and greed, corrupting their heads

so at this saloon bar I sit alone all day
in hopes of drowning this existence away
until the time that I can finally exit this cage
as the whiskey helps me forget my rage


a wasted and broke cowboy without a gun
just another wild west forgotten son
raising my shot glass high in the air
hoping this shot will take me out of here

blood shot, glazed eyes I look around the room
no familiar faces, everyone a stranger in the gloom
I place the glass to my lips and down the next shot
fall over backward, hit my head, dead on the spot

finally free, my spirit soars through the air
no longer bound and chained by that life back there
with no more disappointment, anger or rage
death was the key that finally opened my cage


a wasted and broke cowboy without a gun
just another wild west forgotten son
raising my shot glass high in the air
hoping this shot will take me out of here



Okay, I feel like I butchered this one.  What do you think?








]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Anonymous https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week-1-metalhead/#post-1483