https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week-1-p-allen/ Guitar Noise Discussion Board en-US Fri, 05 Jun 2026 01:02:33 +0000 wpForo 60 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week-1-p-allen/#post-55758 Thu, 13 Nov 2003 09:18:33 +0000 Sunday Songwriters Group MJBird https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week-1-p-allen/#post-55758 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week-1-p-allen/#post-55757 Thu, 13 Nov 2003 08:36:21 +0000 I do not like it, it's unique
I do not like green eggs and ham
I do not like it Sam I am.

]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Nick Torres https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week-1-p-allen/#post-55757 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week-1-p-allen/#post-55756 Thu, 13 Nov 2003 06:13:27 +0000 And i thought it may be wise
To leave it as it was
Then correct it, just because
Then you can see the impact
Your words have had, in fact
You can see all of the changes that I've made

Sorry about that

***


Watching cowboys shoot the west
This sofa lets my worn legs rest This sofa's not much of a test
Those sunset plains paint the scene
A Carbon copy of my dreams


The rocky crags and dusty hills
It's the west that really kills
Texas painted on my wall I see Texas in my glass
But I will never take the fall Whisky helps the long days pass


I wish one day that I would
I wish one day that I could
Form the horizon
Chase the sun across the plain
This desk was never really meant for me


Office blocks and tumbleweed
I just can't get myself to bleed feel
Cigarettes, a late night drive Imaging working for a raise
Ain't the way I want to live my life Lonely nights and lonely days


Paying bills off one by one  
That's not the way the west was won That's not how the west was won
There's always visits to my home People come and people go
But I am really all alone It's not the journey, it's the show




Dirty pistols, cowboy hats
Is just John Wayne and that is that all of that
Time to make this cowboy pay play
I think the fool has had his day


(I could have) (I'm gonna)  
Formed the horizon
Chased the sun across the plain
I new this desk would pave the end for me I new that I could get out of this world

Pave the end for me Leave it all behind

***

I thank you all for being here
I dedicate to you my beer


Pete. :)]]> Sunday Songwriters Group P_Allen https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week-1-p-allen/#post-55756 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week-1-p-allen/#post-55755 Wed, 12 Nov 2003 22:42:53 +0000 that you can tinker
with any kind of rhyme
or any number of lines.
But it does tend to call attention
to itself, not to mention
that the rest of your words
though well chosen, go unheard.

(man I hope this isn't the latest fad for critiques!   ;)  )
Peace

]]> Sunday Songwriters Group David Hodge https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week-1-p-allen/#post-55755 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week-1-p-allen/#post-55754 Wed, 12 Nov 2003 22:05:20 +0000
Do you work for Hallmark?


It is very hard to do AABB well, which is why you see things like ABACAB.  ABAB isn't so easy either.]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Nick Torres https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week-1-p-allen/#post-55754 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week-1-p-allen/#post-55753 Wed, 12 Nov 2003 09:10:18 +0000 since I'm new around this joint.
But why is it a crime
to have an AABB rhyme?
]]> Sunday Songwriters Group MJBird https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week-1-p-allen/#post-55753 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week-1-p-allen/#post-55752 Tue, 11 Nov 2003 06:59:15 +0000
David, it's good to be back and that's a good point about this guys weariness. I'll work it through.

Thanks for all your sugestions and comments, I'll print them off and revise the lyric. Expect an update in the next couple of days.

But right now it's tired and I'm late (early) so I must go to bed and dream of westerns, country music and other wild west related things.

Thanks again,

Pete. :)
]]> Sunday Songwriters Group P_Allen https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week-1-p-allen/#post-55752 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week-1-p-allen/#post-55751 Mon, 10 Nov 2003 22:56:40 +0000
Terrific idea here and I think that with a little work you'll be fine. The imagery and ideas come together best in verses three and four. If you can get the rest of the verses up to that standard it'll take off.

And just to prove that I'm still a nitpicker, how can your legs be weary if you're sitting at a desk all day?   ;)

Looking forward to much more!

Peace]]> Sunday Songwriters Group David Hodge https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week-1-p-allen/#post-55751 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week-1-p-allen/#post-55750 Sun, 09 Nov 2003 17:06:37 +0000

The ends of verses 2 and 3 seem forced to me.  What is it that those verses say?  Make sure the last line matches the thought.

]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Nick Torres https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week-1-p-allen/#post-55750 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week-1-p-allen/#post-55749 Sat, 08 Nov 2003 19:53:58 +0000
Opinions and thoughts run aplenty.  First of all I have a high opinion of your song and think it's a really good go.  The use of the western imagery is good and identifies quite well with the yearning most boys have to be a cowboy at some stage and hits a mark for today where people are turning their back on the rat race and going for the happier, more meaningful life.

Just a couple of thoughts for your submission that you may want to have a look at.

Your rhyming scheme is AABB which I know can cause problems - see Nick's comments on my post for an explanation.  In this case I think the chorus breaks it up enough that it doesn't give you those problems.

V1 Line 3 just lose those it will make the line more manageable.

V2 What does he not want to take the fall for? This bit seems unclear to me.

V3 line 2 maybe change bleed to feel. It's a close enough rhyme that it will match - bleed just seems out of place to me.

V3 line 4 remove I want again it will make the line more manageable.

V4 line 2 That's not how the west was won just reads easier.

V4 lines 3 &4 don't seem to fit with the song.  Just have another look and work out what you're trying to say here.

V5 line 2 John Wayne and all of that may make the line easier to handle.

V5 line 3 Could be Time to make the cowboy play to indicate his dissatisaction has reached a point where he's now going to do something about it and no longer be the 9 to 5 fool.

I was going to say something about the chorus but on re-reading it I think it's fine as it is.

Good song

Bob ;)

I've just previewed the post hope you don't think it looks too severe - certainly not intended to be but I can't rewrite it now :) :)
]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Bob https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week-1-p-allen/#post-55749