https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week1-maxwell/ Guitar Noise Discussion Board en-US Thu, 04 Jun 2026 08:10:30 +0000 wpForo 60 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week1-maxwell/#post-55632 Thu, 06 Nov 2003 17:59:44 +0000
I felt a certain sense of pleasure as the judge and jury went west.

Great song. When do we get to listen?


A :-)
]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Alan Green https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week1-maxwell/#post-55632 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week1-maxwell/#post-55631 Thu, 06 Nov 2003 02:25:01 +0000
I don't really have much to add that's not already been said. If I had to nitpick, I might change

"They only had themselves to blame "

to

"They had only themselves to blame"

But that's simply a matter of phrasing. Good job!

Peace

]]> Sunday Songwriters Group David Hodge https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week1-maxwell/#post-55631 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week1-maxwell/#post-55630 Wed, 05 Nov 2003 23:50:38 +0000 Sunday Songwriters Group Nick Torres https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week1-maxwell/#post-55630 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week1-maxwell/#post-55629 Wed, 05 Nov 2003 22:32:04 +0000
I had originally put "all alone" in there as part of my plot to fill the songs with "singular" references (alone, one, once, one more, etc.) in an effort to instill a subconscious urgency in the mind of the listener as Tommy "counts down" his future.  I hope this makes the listener feel Tommy is just about out of cartridges (and time).  That said, I don't think changing "all alone" to "that day" has that great  of an impact on my devious intentions, and does make the story more solid, hence I have made the suggested change.

"my Papa's name" has been changed to "the family name".  That line had bothered me too for the exact reason you point out, but I didn't have a solution.  Thanks for providing it!]]> Sunday Songwriters Group maxwell https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week1-maxwell/#post-55629 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week1-maxwell/#post-55628 Wed, 05 Nov 2003 16:03:08 +0000
Here is what I'd look at.

You switch tense a lot within verses, try to stick with present tense, make the action now.  Then you can switch time frame like you do in the "seven bloody years" verse.

the first line seems to flow better to me as:

I turned twelve the day that papa hanged

Since you are speaking of days the line that begins all alone could be

That day I saddled up his horse

It links the lines together.  Besides I don't think you want pity at this point for your character.  Shared anger more like.

The end of verse two is a little confusing.  How did the character soil his father's name if he was hung for a crime he didn't commit.

Maybe he's upset because he actually did soil the "family" name, when his father hadn't.

Walk around and read this one out loud, you may have a couple of spots that have meter issues.


Really good work maxwell.

Nick
]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Nick Torres https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week1-maxwell/#post-55628 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week1-maxwell/#post-55627 Wed, 05 Nov 2003 15:16:32 +0000 Sunday Songwriters Group marwal https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week1-maxwell/#post-55627 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week1-maxwell/#post-55626 Wed, 05 Nov 2003 13:11:08 +0000
Good rewrite and a lot stronger.  I think what you've come up with is excellent and I really mean it - lyrically it's one of the best I've seen.  A great storyline which progresses through the song.  Some great imagery.

Excellent   ;)

Bob]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Bob https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week1-maxwell/#post-55626 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week1-maxwell/#post-55625 Wed, 05 Nov 2003 05:25:45 +0000
That was seven bloody years ago
And a dozen graves or more
My name is known in every town
From the mountains to the shore
I'm just so tired of running
Now I can't run anymore
Now they've finally got me cornered
And I can't run anymore

and changing the final chorus to:

I guess I just went crazy
Wish I'd never crossed that line
Now I'm counting down my future
One cartridge at a time ]]> Sunday Songwriters Group maxwell https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week1-maxwell/#post-55625 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week1-maxwell/#post-55624 Tue, 04 Nov 2003 23:55:15 +0000
This is excellent.  The first verse really draws you in to the action.  Great use of imagery in the chorus with the whole one cartridge at a time theme.  The use of  language is really good.

Slightly picky I know but the last two lines of this verse

That was seven bloody years ago
And a dozen graves or more (- love this line)
My name is known in every town
From the mountains to the shore
I'm just so tired of running
Now I can't run anymore

don't flow as easily as the rest of the piece.  The concept's great and aids the story's progression into the final verse but maybe a slight change in the wording would give it more impact.

And I just got tired of running
That I won't run anymore.

Is just a suggestion - don't shoot. ;)

Great stuff - I'm really impressed.

Bob
]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Bob https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week1-maxwell/#post-55624 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week1-maxwell/#post-1471 Tue, 04 Nov 2003 23:19:42 +0000 One Cartridge at a Time
Copyright ©2003 Martin Hillman

I turned twelve the day they hanged Papa
For a crime he'd never done
All alone That day I saddled up his horse
And buckled on his gun
The judge, he was the first to go
Then the jury, one by one

I laughed as the courthouse burned
They only had themselves to blame
Never thought I'd be an outlaw
Didn't care about fortune or fame
Now the tears fall every time I think
Of how I soiled my Papa's the family name

Chorus:
The townsfolk said I'd gone crazy
The day I crossed the line
Now I'm counting down my future
One cartridge at a time

That was seven bloody years ago
And a dozen graves or more
My name is known in every town
From the mountains to the shore
I'm just so tired of running
Now I can't run anymore

Chorus:
The townsfolk said I'd gone crazy
The day I crossed the line
Now I'm counting down my future
One cartridge at a time

Gasping for air in this old shack
feeling the bullets whistle by
Pull the trigger one more time
Once more before I die
I hear Papa's voice inside my head
Why, oh Tommy, why?

Chorus:
The townsfolk said I'd gone crazy
The day I crossed the line
Now I'm counting down my future
One cartridge at a time
]]> Sunday Songwriters Group maxwell https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg2-week1-maxwell/#post-1471