https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg41-determined-to-try-bob/ Guitar Noise Discussion Board en-US Thu, 04 Jun 2026 21:15:13 +0000 wpForo 60 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg41-determined-to-try-bob/#post-55491 Thu, 21 Aug 2003 14:35:09 +0000
The last two verses have been causing me problems when trying to make them fit the rhythm and I have to consciously work at making them fit.  

Will try and work on it this week-end seeing as it's a holiday week-end in the UK.

Thanks

Bob

]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Bob https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg41-determined-to-try-bob/#post-55491 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg41-determined-to-try-bob/#post-55490 Thu, 21 Aug 2003 02:27:23 +0000
I really like the idea of the guy being trapped in his own prison. See if this will fit with what you have in mind for a tune. Nicks idea of how it feels to be lonely is what brought this to mind. I think this is a very good idea for a song and not too much at all it is just right.  I would like to hear the finished product.    

By chance I'm in a bar awkward and alone  
Like some newborn baby or a dog with no bone
Listening to my heart pound out the rhythm
Of my being all alone why won't she come home?

Then out of my gloom I see one so lovely so fair
Oh won't you see me not my despair
I cannot react the way that I wish
All I remember is loves final kiss

I hope this will be helpful.
Frank
]]> Sunday Songwriters Group bluenotefla https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg41-determined-to-try-bob/#post-55490 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg41-determined-to-try-bob/#post-55489 Tue, 19 Aug 2003 14:45:35 +0000 The final two verses I prefered in your first draft. There was a nice symmetry there & I liked the idea that the guy wanted to move into her world, I preferred that to the second version where he wants her to help him rediscover the world. THe former seems to have more progression in it & is more in keeping with emerging from his prison I thought.
Id change "in the midst of much fun" to "in the midst of the fun" purely because the former is quite hard to get your mouth around for singing. Its a great image - and I'm sure we've all felt that feeling...
I wonder whether you could change what he tells her about her eyes to something that more expresses the way he seems to feel that she has seen right into him?? - that might then strengthen the bit about helping him rediscover the world?
I love the evolving chorus thing! that moves the narative along beautifully.

cheers

Hagrider]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Anonymous https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg41-determined-to-try-bob/#post-55489 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg41-determined-to-try-bob/#post-55488 Tue, 05 Aug 2003 23:25:36 +0000 i like i like it alot.]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Rob82 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg41-determined-to-try-bob/#post-55488 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg41-determined-to-try-bob/#post-55487 Tue, 05 Aug 2003 19:06:21 +0000
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Song - Determined to Try

The way the door slammed when she walked out
I knew she was gone for good.
Emptied the closets and the spare room
Disappeared into the neighbourhood

I've never been hurt before
Had my heart hung out to dry
How can I heal these scars
When I don't know how to try

Spent my days with TV programmes and takeaways
Soap stars were my only friends
Imprisoned within these four walls
An exile without an end

I've never been hurt before
Had my heart hung out to dry
How can I heal these scars
When I don't want to try

By chance I'm in a bar awkward and alone
An island in the midst of much fun
Her eyes see straight to my core
Her stare makes me want to run

I've never been hurt before
Had my heart hung out to dry
It's time I healed these scars
And now I've a reason to try

Weeks go by 'til I can face that bar again
I'm trying to find that girl
So I can tell her she's got pretty blue eyes
See if she'll help me rediscover this world

I don't care that I was hurt before
My heart hung out to dry
It's time I ignored the scars
and now I'm determined to try

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

There will definitely be some more edits to come as some of it is still clumsy but I quite like the way it's moving.

Bob]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Bob https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg41-determined-to-try-bob/#post-55487 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg41-determined-to-try-bob/#post-55486 Thu, 31 Jul 2003 06:54:00 +0000
Pretty good stuff.  I especially like the chorus.

You did a great job on all of the prerequisites to writing except the imagery.  Make sure you are giving me a picture not a feeling.

Recluse, lonely, scared, scarred, TV Friends, cocooned, isolated, redemption

Hermit, echoes, no footsteps in the hall, jump at the sound of the banging water pipes, check the closets before bedtime.  these are examples of your list above.

cocoon is good but it gives the feeling of becoming not hiding, I think that fits with your meaning though.

Now your only major issue, apart from making sure your timeline fits, is you tell me.  Show me.  (I know I sound like a broken record)

Your first two lines could be something like

Slapped by the sound of you slamming the door
half the clothes, half the CDs, half of me gone


This line in particular has so many opportunities:

By chance I'm in a bar awkward and alone

Have you ever been in a bar awkward and alone?

How about when you ask for a table and the maitre de asks "table for 2?"  like there is someone else there?

"Table for two? he asks and I hate him"

or something like that.

Good stuff, keep on going.

Nick

]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Nick Torres https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg41-determined-to-try-bob/#post-55486 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg41-determined-to-try-bob/#post-55485 Thu, 31 Jul 2003 06:35:08 +0000 "By chance I'm in a bar awkward and alone
Across the room I spot this girl
She looks at me and smiles
And I want to be part of her world"
 
"Couple of weeks later and I'm at the bar again
When I spot the very same girl
This time she waves me over
I'm going to be a part of her world"


Read these two verses again. A couple of weeks were supposed to have gone by. But what happened during those two weeks to change the outcome? The fist time he sees her nothing happens. Two weeks go by. he sees her again. This time something happens. I don't think you explained enough about the story to change the outcome.

I think it should go more like this:

"By chance I'm in a bar awkward and alone
Across the room I spot this girl
She looks at me and smiles
And I want to be part of her world"
 
"I don't care that I was hurt before
My heart hung out to dry
It's time I ignored the scars
and now I'm determined to try"
 
"Couple of weeks later and I'm at the bar again
When I spot the very same girl
This time she waves me over
I'm going to be a part of her world"
 ]]> Sunday Songwriters Group jane https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg41-determined-to-try-bob/#post-55485 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg41-determined-to-try-bob/#post-55484 Tue, 29 Jul 2003 21:19:14 +0000
I don't think loneliness can supply the imagery: it's the theme. However, you mention one source of imagery in your theme description: prison. The imagery of prison could be of great use here, even in the last verse, where you e.g. get back your wallet and keys (by the way, that's perhaps why I feel treated as a criminal when walking through metal detectors in airports).

]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Anonymous https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg41-determined-to-try-bob/#post-55484 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg41-determined-to-try-bob/#post-1411 Tue, 29 Jul 2003 20:41:53 +0000
Haven't posted for a while as I've been trying to finish off previous songs and get them recorded and posted so I can torture any one who listens. Still no further on unfortunately.

Anyway this week's exercise was helped by a TV programme about a shy bloke who couldn't get noticed being helped to get noticed and so find a date.  He was a painfully shy bloke and I thought I could incorporate those ideas into this assignment.

Title - Determined to try

Hidden Meaning - Loneliness is it's own prison

Plot - Man desserted by woman retreats into himself becomes a recluse reliant on TV until happens to be out one night and across a crowded cliche spots a girl he'd like to get to know.  Goes back a couple of weeks later and she invites him over.

Chorus (This does change ever so slightly throughout the song as he moves on)

I've never been hurt before
Had my heart hung out to dry
How can I heal these scars
When I don't know how to try

Imagery source - Recluse, lonely, scared, scarred, TV Friends, cocooned, isolated, redemption

V1 - She's gone, he's alone, confused and scared

V2 - Life takes on a routine of TV and takeaways

V3 - Happens to be at a bar (don't ask me how seems a huge step for him) when he spots a girl

V4 - She invites him over he goes and in so doing takes the first steps into a new world

The Song - Determined to Try

The way the door slammed when she walked out
I knew she was gone for good.
Unprepared for loneliness
Scared by my neighbourhood

I've never been hurt before
Had my heart hung out to dry
How can I heal these scars
When I don't know how to try

Spent my days with TV programmes and takeaways
Soap stars were  my only friends
Locked in my world of me
My confusion never ends

I've never been hurt before
Had my heart hung out to dry
How can I heal these scars
When I don't want to try

By chance I'm in a bar awkward and alone
Across the room I spot this girl
She looks at me and smiles
And I want to be part of her world

I've never been hurt before
Had my heart hung out to dry
It's time I healed these scars
And now I've a reason to try

Couple of weeks later and I'm at the bar again
When I spot the very same girl
This time she waves me over
I'm going to be a part of her world

I don't care that I was hurt before
My heart hung out to dry
It's time I ignored the scars
and now I'm determined to try

This way didn't really hinder me if anything it offers a structured approach.  I do think this is a weak song though.  Compared to pre SSG stuff it's better.  I think I've tried to tackle too big a subject - the theme of the programme was eye contact maybe should've stuck to that.

Comments as always are welcome - and if you've read this far well done

Bob ::)]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Bob https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg41-determined-to-try-bob/#post-1411