https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg6-week-23/ Guitar Noise Discussion Board en-US Thu, 04 Jun 2026 10:28:48 +0000 wpForo 60 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg6-week-23/#post-288411 Fri, 11 Apr 2008 20:06:24 +0000
as for the chorus, i have a little something here to propose to you :wink:

as autumn thinns my book
i drown paper boats in the crook
and set fire to the polaroids of

or maybe along the lines of...

as autumn thinns my book
the loose pages in the brook
leave me crooked

... um.. maybe you or someone else could take this and make it into a proper chorus. maybe it's out of tune with your verses... well. anyways. just a tiny suggestion, feel free to ignore me :wink:

cheers,
straycat.]]> Sunday Songwriters Group straycat. https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg6-week-23/#post-288411 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg6-week-23/#post-288244 Thu, 10 Apr 2008 12:07:05 +0000
I like how John cut down the amount of words , maybe you could do the same sort of thing for the rest ...

You might get some more lines from the throw away words

Trev.. :wink:]]> Sunday Songwriters Group BarnaBus RoX https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg6-week-23/#post-288244 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg6-week-23/#post-288117 Wed, 09 Apr 2008 03:59:32 +0000 It seems to me to be one of those cases of "less is more"

Something like:
War and genocide
Can't be justified
As the women cried
The Sun arose a nation died My other thought would be that genocide is not something most people associate
directly with The Civil War. Maybe the conflict with the Native Americans
after the Civil War would work better. That is also why I changed "country"
to "nation" to give it a more Native American feel.

The verses are well written but don't inspire me at the moment
except to agree with Straycat.
"acid ink of a ripped out page" - that is true beauty, i like this very much. John]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Celt https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg6-week-23/#post-288117 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg6-week-23/#post-288074 Tue, 08 Apr 2008 21:59:52 +0000
"acid ink of a ripped out page" - that is true beauty, i like this very much.

wish i could help you, but (at least for now) i can't think of anything. still wanted to let you know about the line above :wink: maybe this image of a book with few or no pages left, abandoned on the pavement somewhere or afloat on a dirty little creek could be a nice basis for the chorus.. or maybe something along the lines of it's losing pages, getting thinner (that is emptier), like i am, too. ..um.... if i do think of something real i'll post it.

cheers,
straycat.]]> Sunday Songwriters Group straycat. https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg6-week-23/#post-288074 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg6-week-23/#post-31198 Tue, 08 Apr 2008 09:51:29 +0000
War and genocide
War can't be justified
War and the women cried
As the sun came up a country died

For that one I was thinking writing a narrative about a soldier in the army and I was thinking about putting it in either the future or civil war era, but any help is great.

As for the verses they are

This anger burns my skin as I lay here with a grin
Acid ink of a ripped out page, the only therapy to control my rage
Hatred and misery have no effect on me
emotions are now destroyed, give me something to fill the void

shadows loom and the sky turns gray as reality slips away
save me I'm fading fast, haunted memories of a distant past
infected wounds from the lies I scrape, I fall alone without escape
Created shackles now bound a slave, give me the feeling that I crave

For the verses I had either a drug being used as metaphor chorus going on or it being about a man whos lost his identity and is very enraged about it. thanks for all the help
Nico]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Iwillbefamouswatchme https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/ssg6-week-23/#post-31198