https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/sssg2-week1-olav/ Guitar Noise Discussion Board en-US Thu, 04 Jun 2026 17:51:24 +0000 wpForo 60 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/sssg2-week1-olav/#post-55640 Fri, 07 Nov 2003 23:10:26 +0000
Nick and Maxwell, here is a shorter version.
Dhodge, Country music I believe will fit the best.  I keep humming while I read it the first 6 measures of Broks and Dunns, Neon Moon.
Alan. Great idea to break it down into shorter lines.

It still needs some more attention but I am stuck. Any ideas.
Thanks
Olav

V1
Sunset peaks, broken dreams
Empty glare in a cold steel pan
A blue eyed girl, a goodbye kiss
Lost in the past like the gold in the sand

V2
Her face in the flames, her voice in the rain
Tears of regret as the past returns
Endless search in water and sand
Her memory in his heart still burns

Chorus
One more day  
One more night
Shattered dreams of gold
Dreams come true
For a broken man
with treasures in the sand.

V3
Questions why, in heaven he'll know
Consumed by the quest for gold
Tomorrow hovers as a ghost
Face another lonely night

Chorus
One more day  
One more night
Shattered dreams of gold
Dreams come true
For a broken man
with treasures in the sand.

]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Olav https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/sssg2-week1-olav/#post-55640 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/sssg2-week1-olav/#post-55639 Thu, 06 Nov 2003 18:45:30 +0000
Maxwell, you said show me don't tell me.

David, he's ready to leave the nest.

]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Nick Torres https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/sssg2-week1-olav/#post-55639 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/sssg2-week1-olav/#post-55638 Thu, 06 Nov 2003 17:47:49 +0000
I got hold of it by breaking each line down into two. Some of the lines were still a bit uncomfortable as I was struggling to get all the words in the way you've set it out.

I thought the theme was really good. There's a great song in here.

Best,


A :-)
]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Alan Green https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/sssg2-week1-olav/#post-55638 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/sssg2-week1-olav/#post-55637 Thu, 06 Nov 2003 07:46:29 +0000
David, thanks for adding another line to my "bits and pieces" folder: "full resignation, a touch of sadness, and just a hint of regret".   Don't know what I'll do with it yet, but someday it will work its way into a song.


]]> Sunday Songwriters Group maxwell https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/sssg2-week1-olav/#post-55637 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/sssg2-week1-olav/#post-55636 Thu, 06 Nov 2003 01:45:15 +0000
I like the way you've taken a fairly universal theme - trading away a (presumably) happier life for the pursuit of (possible) wealth - and used the Gold Rush as a backdrop. Laredo is West to me!

I think I've been away from SSG too long because I'm having trouble figuring out how it would be sung as a song. That doesn't mean it couldn't be, though!

How do you hear this in your head? Is it a slow ballad or a moderately uptempo (not to be confused with "upbeat!"  ;) ) song? I'd be interested in hearing.

Length, at least to me, isn't a problem although I do think that Nick is right in that you can make it a bit more powerful with a little more focus. But I do think you've got the right emotional tone - resignation with a touch of sadness and just a hint of regret.

Looking forward to reading more of your material.

Peace

]]> Sunday Songwriters Group David Hodge https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/sssg2-week1-olav/#post-55636 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/sssg2-week1-olav/#post-55635 Wed, 05 Nov 2003 19:06:59 +0000
Try altering one of your verses to see the difference.

Two more things, the lines are very long, can you see if there are any words you can do without.  Forget about the syllables for a bit.  Words can be stretched when sung or sung staccato.

For instance the first line:

The sun goes down yet another day, to its place behind the peaks.

Could be shortened to

The Sun goes down behind the peaks

Second, the chorus should have some contrast your verse.  Keep it short sweet and too the point.  Don't add in any information that should be in the verse.

If I was going to boil it down to it's essence:

One more sunset
one less day
I'll grab my dreams
but stop, afraid

dream of gold
my girls hand.
Treasure of heart
castle of sand.

(I do this all the time, it's just for example.  You can use it, ignore it or print it out and shred it.)


Really rich writing though.  Good stuff

Nick
]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Nick Torres https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/sssg2-week1-olav/#post-55635 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/sssg2-week1-olav/#post-55634 Wed, 05 Nov 2003 17:56:31 +0000 You are right. The last line of the chorus have 17 syllables. It is supposed to have 16. I tried to keep each line at 16 syllables, to make it flow and a rhyming pattern of AABB.
Your suggestion fits perfect.
The story is being told by a third person. The first chorus line is to be in quotation.
Last line in V3 does have 16 syllables, but Im thinking maybe cutting the word THE.   To, searching for gold in the sand, maybe that will make it flow better.
Last two choruses are supposed to be the same as the first. I replaced Wealth with Gold in the first chorus, but forgot to change them in the repeat.
Thank you for your help.
Olav
]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Olav https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/sssg2-week1-olav/#post-55634 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/sssg2-week1-olav/#post-55633 Wed, 05 Nov 2003 13:41:26 +0000
First off welcome to the forum good to see you here.

I like the song you've submitted and there's nothing wrong with adopting a different angle on the wild west, it's all about interpretation.

Just a couple of points

Last line of the chorus could do with being a little shorter I lost the flow of the chorus in this line maybe from

The dreams of his heart will comes true when he finds the Treasures in the sand.

to

The dreams of his heart'll come true when he finds Treasure in the sand.

Also your chorus mixes up 1st (I) and 3rd (he) person contexts.  Is the song telling someone else's story or telling your own - just have a look at it.  Mainly in the first line.

Last line in verse 3 is a little long also just have another look.  It may be me not catching your rhythm.

Good writing - keep them coming  ;)

Bob]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Bob https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/sssg2-week1-olav/#post-55633 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/sssg2-week1-olav/#post-1472 Wed, 05 Nov 2003 01:30:42 +0000 Im a first time public writer. Have been following you guys for a while and I have been very impressed.
I think I may have missed the assignment a little.
I must have steered my horse little too much to the right down in Laredo, and ended up in the mountain and not down in the Wild West. Oh well, I guess Im a little geographically challenged.
Well I am still within the same era so Ill give it a shot


Treasures In The Sand.

V1
The sun goes down yet another day, to its place behind the peaks.
Endless labor in the water and sand, while sweat pours down his cheeks.
Body in torment, worn, wet and cold, in this endless endeavor.
The night has finally come, but the labor goes on forever.

V2
A simple shelter by the bend, at night itll keep him warm and dry.
A life in the mountain a life full of pain, still he wonders why.
A promise was made to a blue-eyed girl, I will not go in vain.
The life that he had, a life of ease, he traded for toil and pain.

Chorus
One more sunset one more day and Ill find what I have been seeking.        
Driven by dreams etched in his heart, but the dream is slowly weakening.
A dream of gold and a blue-eyed girl consumes the will of this man.
The dreams of his heart will comes true when he finds the Treasures in the sand.

V3
He wipes away the tears of anguish, as the dream he bore goes stark.
His dreams are fading slowly just as the light gives way to the dark.
Today his dream was crushed once more, in heaven he will understand.
Why he was cursed here on this earth, searching for the gold in the sand.

Chorus (repeat twice)
One more sunset one more day and Ill find what I have been seeking.        
Driven by dreams etched in his heart, but the dream is slowly weakening.
A dream of wealth and a blue-eyed girl consumes the will of this man.
The dreams of his heart will come true when he finds Treasures in the sand.
]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Olav https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/sssg2-week1-olav/#post-1472