https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/this-is-all-i-got/ Guitar Noise Discussion Board en-US Thu, 04 Jun 2026 11:53:20 +0000 wpForo 60 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/this-is-all-i-got/#post-67963 Sat, 04 Sep 2004 03:50:03 +0000
that's very good advice, if it ain't how you say it, dont play it.......

like scratch says, that kind of backward english doesn't really work in songs - really it's a poetic thing, and even then, said poet would have to have had a lot of laudanum........

I actually think you've got 3/4 of a good song there, needs a bridge.....and a grammatical quibble,

"Effect the young boy" should be "Affect".......you can affect something, but something can have an effect.........

So try and finish it, and go with your gut instinct - if it feels good to you, keep it - if it doesn't, lose it.......

And welcome to the home for the musically insane!!!!

Vic.

:D]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Vic Lewis VL https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/this-is-all-i-got/#post-67963 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/this-is-all-i-got/#post-67908 Fri, 03 Sep 2004 21:13:50 +0000 Welcome to the group !!!

I like the simplicity of the song, and agree on the comments already made.
One thing I learnt pretty early in the group, if you don't naturally say something in a certain way, try not to write it that way.
The no rhymning didn't worry me as the lines are short and sweet, but the meter was difficult.
A great take on the assignment, looking forward to reading more of your stuff
go well
Ja'mir]]> Sunday Songwriters Group jamir https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/this-is-all-i-got/#post-67908 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/this-is-all-i-got/#post-67838 Fri, 03 Sep 2004 09:19:34 +0000
I would second The Celt's comments. It's a good song, needing only a few small edits to tighten it up. The only point on which I would differ, is the second line of the 4th verse. With either version, the language is backwards.

Onward he couldn't go
or
On he could not go

I don't usually mind stuff like that, but in this case, you don't use that kind of structure anywhere else in the song, so it kind of stands out as a bit awkward. So you might try what I call an "approximate rhyme." MarvelousOptimist calls them "slant rhymes." It would look something like:

Drifiting Slowly away
He couldn't go on
What happened to him
Will never be known

As always, anything I say is just my $0.02. Use it or leave it as you like, but I do think you're on to something, and I look forward to seeing more stuff from you.

-- Scratch 8)]]> Sunday Songwriters Group scratchmonkey https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/this-is-all-i-got/#post-67838 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/this-is-all-i-got/#post-67833 Fri, 03 Sep 2004 08:57:48 +0000
Welcome. I too am a newbie around here. Only been around for three weeks. Your song is really good it could use some polish and tightening up. I'm having a little trouble with the meter and rhyme . I hope you don't mind some suggestions . I'll try to be gentle and remember this is just my opinion. We must all follow our own Muse

Verse 1:

Like it even though it doesn't rhyme. The only thing I would do is shorten the second line:

On a desolate road
Pondering his life
Choices made now
Effect the young boy

to:

On a desolate road
Pondering life
Choices made now
Effect the young boy


Verse 2:

Gazes at the stars
Desperate for guidance
Longing for anything
To use as light

Nice imagery but I think maybe some Rhyme is in order.
Something like:

Gazes at stars
Desperate for Light
Longing for anything
To see through the Night


Verse: 3:

Doesn't quite rhyme but I like it :

A shooting star passes
And with it hope
Soon gave up
He never awoke

Just a little polish Maybe:

A shooting star passes
And with it all hope
Soon He gave up
And never awoke


Verse 4:

Nice rhyme here:

Slowly drifiting away
Onward he couldnt go
What happened to him
No one will ever know

Just a couple small edits:


Drifiting Slowly away
On he could not go
What happened to him
We never will know

I hope it doesn't seem that I'm nitpicking or tearing your song apart.
It's good work and the rest is just my opinion.Maybe you could come up with a chorus to pull it all together.(not nessesary but just a thought)

Looking forward to seeing more from you.

Celt]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Celt https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/this-is-all-i-got/#post-67833 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/this-is-all-i-got/#post-3513 Fri, 03 Sep 2004 05:05:44 +0000 Pondering his life
Choices made now
Effect the young boy

Gazes at the stars
Desperate for guidance
Longing for anything
To use as light

A shooting star passes
And with it hope
Soon gave up
He never awoke

Slowly drifiting away
Onward he couldnt go
What happened to him
No one will ever know

=]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Noobie https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/this-is-all-i-got/#post-3513