w16 - can't go back - Sunday Songwriters Group

RE: w16 - can't go back

sytys — Fri, 24 Feb 2006 01:50:06 +0000

hey, thanks for the feedback, that line was my attempt at the present, worded it for the syllable count, and to break out of the rythmn, think i'll add,

but i just can't take me there again
no i don't dare go that way again

i like the three times suggestion martin, for sure an add, fits the verses together better, thanks

m

if i could go back
back to when it started
back to when we parted
that was where it started

if i could go back
i'd try to see the signs
try to keep you mine
try to keep my mind

but i just can't take me there again
no i don't dare go that way again

if i could go back
stop myself from lying
stop myself from driving
stop you from your crying

if i could go back
explain what i was thinking
explain why i was drinking
stop my ship from sinking

but i just can't take me there again
no i don't dare go that way again

if i could go back
to when i was a good man
to when i had a good plan
to the time when i was your man

if i could go back
i still wouldn't see it coming
my mind just started running
it wasn't any fun and

i know i won't take me there again
no i won't dare go that way again

m

RE: w16 - can't go back

pbee — Thu, 23 Feb 2006 10:04:51 +0000

Hi sytys,
this is good start, well done. I agree with 1-wing but Ill go a littler further. I reckon what would be nice is to replace that line with an outro like:

But I cant go back

etc etc

good work
cheers
Paul

RE: w16 - can't go back

Saber — Thu, 23 Feb 2006 09:35:19 +0000

I agree with one winged angle. How about, I can't take myself there again.

RE: w16 - can't go back

Anonymous — Thu, 23 Feb 2006 08:06:55 +0000

This song is simple, direct and powerful. I love it.

This line seems out of place to me though.
but i just can't take me there again

RE: w16 - can't go back

martin-6 — Wed, 22 Feb 2006 16:04:05 +0000

Hmm, interesting structure here. Nicely done. I think it works very well and it reminds me of a couple of Coldplay songs.

Perhaps you could boost the variety a bit by using that one-liner three times in the song instead of two? Aside from that I don't think you need to change it too much; get the music right (hint: musical interludes are your friend) and you should have a hit on your hands.

w16 - can't go back

sytys — Wed, 22 Feb 2006 10:11:48 +0000

don't know about this one, can't get the music to work, anyways

-----------------------------------------

if i could go back
back to when it started
back to when we parted
that was where it started

if i could go back
try to see the signs
try to keep you mine
try to keep my mind

if i could go back
stop myself from lying
stop myself from driving
stop you from your crying

but i just can't take me there again

if i could go back
explain what i was thinking
explain why i was drinking
stop my ship from sinking

if i could go back
to when i was a good man
to when i had a good plan
to the time when i was your man

if i could go back
i still wouldn't see it coming
my mind just started running
it wasn't any fun and

i know i won't take me there again

----------------------------------------

s