Week 15 - OWA - Sunday Songwriters Group

RE: Week 15 - OWA

BarnaBus RoX — Sat, 18 Feb 2006 09:13:19 +0000

Sorry I had a little laugh your still trying to miss the wall in your re-write :o

Friend sweating needing air
Asks if I wanna go somewhere
Takes my hand and leads me down the hall
Stumbles and nearly misses the wall <-------------hits

apart from that my friend you have done a very good nice job on this assisignment

I don't mean to be so picky but thought you would like a honest reply to your work ...

cya

RE: Week 15 - OWA

Anonymous — Fri, 17 Feb 2006 21:05:35 +0000

Thank you for your feedback everyone. It has been really helpful in fixing the song up. This is the re-write:

A few drinks have gone by
My friends sit and try to out lie
Friend comes and says I'm hot
Then goes and takes a shot

Friend sweating needing air
Asks if I wanna go somewhere
Takes my hand and leads me down the hall
Stumbles and nearly misses the wall

We go down to the basement floor
He turns around and shuts the door
I don't notice his hands on my hips
Because I am too busy tasting his lips

A tingling sensation is what I feel
As my shirt falls down to my heel
My heart begins to rapidly beat
Our sweating bodies are only source of heat

We decide that the deed is done
After our legs were tangled as one
I go upstairs and he pretends we never met
I ran outside with my heart filled with regret

RE: Week 15 - OWA

pbee — Wed, 15 Feb 2006 09:20:46 +0000

Hi 1-wing,
I like song, but I've been pondering over it now for a couple of days, cos there has been something that's been bugging me and I couldn't quite put my finger on it. But I think I have it now. It feels to me that you're describing your own situation but from a 3rd person perspective. For example: A tingling sensation I can feel Instead of A tingling sensation is what I feel Its just a small change but I think it makes it more personal. I guess what I'm looking for is more feeling and less observation, if you see what I mean. Other than that this is good work.

Cheers
Paul

RE: Week 15 - OWA

lotto king — Wed, 15 Feb 2006 01:32:23 +0000

ha ha KKilam

I'm thinking Green Day sort of music ( when will September end )

Just a thought

I like this 1wing angel

well done

RE: Week 15 - OWA

kkillam — Mon, 13 Feb 2006 19:50:31 +0000

I could be completely out of the ballpark as to what you're looking for as far as the music is concerned but - Sinead Oconnor :shock: popped into my head while reading this...don't ask me why.
Some of hers songs kind of give you a swirling/confused sensation and that's what direction I can feel this song going:

Drinking
sweating, needing air
stumbing down a hallway
not feeling hands on your hips
sweating bodies......

Whew!! I better stop there :!:

Good stuff OWA - I do agree with the above Banana Peel not quite fitting
Maybe: A tingling sensation over my skin
Bodies together as I take him in
Maybe a little too HOT? :oops:

RE: Week 15 - OWA

chefie — Mon, 13 Feb 2006 07:48:26 +0000

Hi OWA,

I really liked what you've written and the transition from beginning to end. But (there's always a but somewhere) though the image you're creating with the word BANANA PEEL, fits, for some reason the word BANANA PEEL isn't in keeping with the tone of your other word choices. I wonder if some other word/s might slip in better (no pun intended).

Or, maybe it's just me. Musically I think you should play out your own feelings and whether it goes hard or soft.

Good Work!

RE: Week 15 - OWA

Anonymous — Mon, 13 Feb 2006 06:47:20 +0000

Oops, it should be "nearly hits the wall" that's a typo. Out lie is a fancy way to say bragging, but I might have to change that. Thanks for the feedback.

RE: Week 15 - OWA

BarnaBus RoX — Mon, 13 Feb 2006 06:44:45 +0000

Hi one wing

I am struggling with this line

"My friends sit and try to out lie "

it might just be a simple different country thing or even a typo ...

This line

"Stumbles and nearly misses the wall "

Why would you want to hit the after all you missed it I don't understand sorry .. :oops:

maybe
" Stumbles and nearly friggin falls " < looking to see if that slips through the mods
might work better

After saying all that onewing this is really good ... the old drinks and a quickie in the nearest available space , but then you put a emotional side to it which brings it to life .

Keep up the writting

Hilch

RE: Week 15 - OWA

Ghost — Mon, 13 Feb 2006 06:42:07 +0000

Your song has strong visuals . Good for a rough draft OWA. If you come up with any more ideas for what happened at the party would be good. I'm sure you know anything you don't like better t...

Week 15 - OWA

Anonymous — Mon, 13 Feb 2006 06:18:10 +0000

Here's my entry for this week. It's kind of a rough draft, I want to add more because it sounds kind of rushed. I'm not sure what music to put with it so if people could tell me what they hear while reading it I would appreciate it. Along with any other feedback.

Basement Furnace
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

A few drinks have gone by
My friends sit and try to out lie
Friend comes and says I'm hot
Then goes and takes a shot

Friend sweating needing air
Asks if I wanna go somewhere
Takes my hand and leads me down the hall
Stumbles and nearly runs into the wall

We go down to the basement floor
Turns around and shuts the door
I don't notice his hands on my hips
Because I am too busy tasting his lips

A tingling sensation I can feel
My clothes removed like a banana peel
My heart begins to rapidly beat
Sweating bodies the only source of heat

We decide that the deed is done
After our legs were tangled as one
Go upstairs and pretends we never met
Ran outside with my heart filled with regret