https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-b-the-pen/ Guitar Noise Discussion Board en-US Thu, 04 Jun 2026 13:11:17 +0000 wpForo 60 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-b-the-pen/#post-66256 Tue, 24 Aug 2004 17:54:17 +0000
bluenightangel]]> Sunday Songwriters Group straycat. https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-b-the-pen/#post-66256 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-b-the-pen/#post-65959 Sun, 22 Aug 2004 20:55:29 +0000
:D

Just joking.....course I like it - you do keep coming up with a really different slant on things, even if at times they are really dark and almost gothic.....but hey, that's your style, and again, I'd have known who wrote this if someone had just shown me the lyrics.........

Vic

:) :) :)]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Vic Lewis VL https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-b-the-pen/#post-65959 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-b-the-pen/#post-65805 Sat, 21 Aug 2004 12:00:38 +0000
okay...I see the thing you mentioned...and I like your suggestion:)
I'll take that. thank you :D

love,
bluenightangel]]> Sunday Songwriters Group straycat. https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-b-the-pen/#post-65805 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-b-the-pen/#post-65475 Thu, 19 Aug 2004 03:28:36 +0000
i am glad that i could help you out. i like the revision. thanks for splitting up the words paper raper and felt tip rapist. :D

ok i do still have one thing that i don't think sounds right. Usually around quarter to ten…

...when he starts drinking the "he starts" part. i think i am getting a bit picky here but isn't he almost drunk at 9:45? he hasn't just started drinking at that time has he? maybe this will work better and it fits the meter too

"... when he's been drinking"

glad to also see the new title. now the title draws you in to see what it is about.
a fast-written song...didn't feel like work at all;) that just means that you have gotten good. when you really have a gift of song writting it should be fun and come fairly easily. (once you have your initial topic).

keep up the good work.

-CheapThrill]]> Sunday Songwriters Group CheapThrill https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-b-the-pen/#post-65475 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-b-the-pen/#post-65392 Wed, 18 Aug 2004 16:32:13 +0000
though the subject made me think a bit first this was (even for me) a fast-written song...didn't feel like work at all;)

so...let's see

-hi tokai;) First: "Been falling far too often"

Second:"Hitting hardly" is it a typo did you mean hitting harder???? to explain this I guess I have to explain the whole verse: the pen is for the first time really scared of his 'user', the pen doesn't get frightened easily because he's been falling far too often(means the writer let the pen fall, threw it away whatever, against the wall...), and when the pen falls, he hits the floor hardly and the whole 'fall&hit' thing usually happens around quarter to ten, cause the writer is drunk by then
hope it helped;)
yet I could let 'hitting hardly' slip...because of the meter, right(anyway it doesn't really tell much...is not really needed here, is it?)?

as for the title I think 'Felt tip rapist' or 'paper raper' are gonna make it, cheap thrill, you're right 'the pen' is just too...simple/obvious
Quote:
is 'when he has started drinking' in the right tense?
i am not totally sure if this is the right tense, but i don't think it is. maybe what would be better is "when he starts drinking"? thanks, this is better:)))

you and beren don't seem to like 'raper' and 'rapist' in the same line too much...hm I thought it wouldn't matter, like an increase or something...expanding from the paper to the pen/felt tip but now you've got me thinking

-hey beren
:wink: I think this is the best thing I have seen you submit (and I do generally read your songs). really? well, flattering to hear;) though I may disagree...I found this one quite simple and not that good because it didn't feel like I was making any effort to write it :roll: but maybe that's just it.
er...don't have anything for the music...not even the 'mood'...resigned?angry?fearful?-all of this and at the end hopeful like no matter how he abuses me, the pen, at least he writes good stuff?

-hello scratch
The only thing that you might look at, (and I could just be reading it all wrong) is the meter. I think it might be tightened up in a few spots. For instance,
"And he doesn't frighten me easily" might read more smoothly if you said "And I don't frighten easily". Then again, that might detract from the POV you're working on, but I don't think so
you're surely right about the meter...it could be better in places like the last line of verse#2 or the big 'chorus'...I really tried to change something but for the moment I can't...this is something I'll have to do later, if I have the music;)
the line you mentioned is a bit long but following the pattern of verse 1-rhyme of grip&hip and in verse2 rhyme of me&easily...

-bluenotefla:
awkward to me is

“when he has started drinking”

Try
Even more when he drinks I have a new idea, what about '...when he's under alcohol's influence'-this is maybe too straight forwards...yet it rhymes with 'often' and 'ten' *yay*:)...or '...when he and whisky are holding hands'...? or 'cause he's drunk by then'...er I dunno.

thank you all very much:))))
man, this is a looong post :wink:
take care
bluenightangel

---
revised version:

Felt tip rapist

I hear a sigh, I feel him shiver
As he fastens his grip on my hip
And pushes me across the paper
In senseless circles, growing anger…

Poem writer, thought scribbler, sketch scrawler

I'm truly scared, I fear breaking
And he doesn't get me frightened easily
Been falling far too often
Usually around quarter to ten…

...when he starts drinking

Poem writer, thought scribbler, sketch scrawler
He's a paper raper
Poem writer, thought scribbler, sketch scrawler
A felt tip rapist
Poem writer, thought scribbler, sketch scrawler
And then again he needs me indeed
Just to have something to hold onto
Only me within his reach
While the night gets over the hangover
His fears to feed

A felt tip rapist, yes but also a
Poem writer, thought scribbler, sketch scrawler]]> Sunday Songwriters Group straycat. https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-b-the-pen/#post-65392 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-b-the-pen/#post-65357 Wed, 18 Aug 2004 04:25:17 +0000
“when he has started drinking”

Try
Even more when he drinks

It might flow better

I’m truly scared, I fear breaking
And he doesn’t get me frightened easily
Been falling far too often
Hitting hardly, usually around quarter to ten…

Even more when he drinks

Or
I know when his drinking

Just a thought and again you work is truly good and I know it will only get better.

Bluenotefla Frank]]> Sunday Songwriters Group bluenotefla https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-b-the-pen/#post-65357 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-b-the-pen/#post-65303 Tue, 17 Aug 2004 21:07:24 +0000
This is good. Very interesting, and I like your take on the assignment. I would stick with the phrase "paper raper." Because if you rhymed paper with rapist, ... well that would raise some ire.

The only thing that you might look at, (and I could just be reading it all wrong) is the meter. I think it might be tightened up in a few spots. For instance,

"And he doesn't frighten me easily" might read more smoothly if you said "And I don't frighten easily". Then again, that might detract from the POV you're working on, but I don't think so.

Anyways, good work. Interesting read.

-- Scratch 8)]]> Sunday Songwriters Group scratchmonkey https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-b-the-pen/#post-65303 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-b-the-pen/#post-65281 Tue, 17 Aug 2004 17:33:06 +0000 that is a really great effort. I can't believe you didn't even have to try hard for this one. I think this is the best thing I have seen you submit (and I do generally read your songs).
I love the imagery, 'paper raper' is a great line and the repeated line about the poem writer is an excellent touch.
I can't say I'm too bothered about the tenses in the sentences either - the point is generally clear enough.
The one thing that stood out for me as a slight blunder though was using paper raper and felt tip rapist in the same line.
Really a great song though
I just wonder what it sounds like when you sing it.
Beren]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Beren https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-b-the-pen/#post-65281 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-b-the-pen/#post-65254 Tue, 17 Aug 2004 05:58:15 +0000
as far as the title of the song, i think that you could use a more interesting one. "the pen" is just too obvious, let the listener think and use their brain to realise that the pen is the speaker. i think you did a good job writting so the reader can fairly easily tell that the pen is the speaker.
can I use 'paper raper' and 'sketch scrawler' why the hell not? i really liked these two terms. who really cares it they are verbs or nouns?!
is 'when he has started drinking' in the right tense? i am not totally sure if this is the right tense, but i don't think it is. maybe what would be better is "when he starts drinking"?

ok now that i have answered your questions here i can go on with my critique. i do like the fact that you took something simple and what i think is a easy one to pick and made it your own. you put a good twist on it. you made the person that was using the pen not just be a nice person and a great writter. something else that i think would be an easy trap to fall into here that you managed to stay away from is to make the inanimate object too much of a physical person. you only mention a hip but don't go on and make the pen anymore of a physical person. good job there.

one thing that i don't care for here is the line: He's a paper raper, a felt tip rapist they are both great descriptions but you have raper and rapist back to back. it sounds a little redundent. i would like to see them both used just not back to back like this.
Poem writer, thought scribbler, sketch scrawler i really like this line and like the way it is repeated through out the song.

-CheapThrill]]> Sunday Songwriters Group CheapThrill https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-b-the-pen/#post-65254 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-b-the-pen/#post-65239 Tue, 17 Aug 2004 03:31:45 +0000
I like the idea of this song/story, but I'm unclear on some of the lines even though I have read it about seven times.

First: "Been falling far too often"

Second:"Hitting hardly" is it a typo did you mean hitting harder????

Please clarify for me.

As for the title I think that "The Pen" works well, but "Paper Raper" is also an excellent little rhyme that just rolls off my tongue.( however not proper I fear). Also all three titles could be describing the Pen,
The Pen....is just that the pen
Paper Raper.... is still the pen with the writer as an accomplice.
Felt Tip Rapist...Againis the pen with an accomplice.

Just my opinion]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Tokai 12 String https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-b-the-pen/#post-65239