https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-derelict-mp3/ Guitar Noise Discussion Board en-US Thu, 04 Jun 2026 17:52:30 +0000 wpForo 60 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-derelict-mp3/#post-368601 Thu, 11 Aug 2011 16:25:54 +0000
I really like this one, too. :D Great imagery with concrete details. Nice vocal delivery and performance energy. I really like the chord progressions as well....nice variations on the strumming and arpeggio mixing it up.

My only suggestion is to slow down the overall tempo so the listener has more time to take the song in.

Thanks for sharing.

James]]> Sunday Songwriters Group jamestoffee https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-derelict-mp3/#post-368601 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-derelict-mp3/#post-368549 Tue, 09 Aug 2011 15:01:12 +0000
My 20th wedding anniversary is this week. Mrs Worm ""suggested" that a song about lost love or love I want to go away would not be well received. In its stead, I am trying to adapt and put an ancient Sanskrit poem to music.]]> Sunday Songwriters Group John Sargent https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-derelict-mp3/#post-368549 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-derelict-mp3/#post-368544 Tue, 09 Aug 2011 08:40:52 +0000
I have to say thank you so much for the encouragement, means a lot. :D

So all the suggestions for the first verse are good, i'll edit them in.
Second verse

Left behind to rot by the ones who loved them, is more powerful i think written this way disrupts the rhythm a little...

what do you think about either

Left behind to rot by the ones who said they loved them

or

Left behind to rot by the ones who used to love them

?

i take your point about it maybe needing a bit of reinforcement on the personal abandonment angle.
how about this as a bridge section:

'wish I had of saw one of your cautions before it was too late...

too late
you saw the cracks forming and ran
turned your back and called it a plan...

I used to find my fun in abandoned homes...'

?

really appreciate the feedback.

cheers,

Ben]]> Sunday Songwriters Group br85 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-derelict-mp3/#post-368544 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-derelict-mp3/#post-368524 Mon, 08 Aug 2011 17:20:08 +0000
First off, that's really, really good. I love the alliteration and the inner rhyme and the use of abandoned home as a basis for the metaphor. The chord choices, rhythm, melody, lyrics and structure are excellent.

So take anything I have to say in this bit as nit-picking, and as always take 'em or leave 'em.

I think you could make it a bit easier to sing if you eliminate a couple of syllables here and there. I say this with a caveat, be very careful not to ruin the wonderful rhythm of the words. Only one or two places jumble, while the rest flows.

The first line doesn't need "near to" even if it was just near to. One of my 40 or so things is to make a definitive choice, don't allow your words to dilute the impact. Does it matter to you that it wasn't exactly there? Yes. Does it matter to the listener? Not one bit.

That dangled, could be active and use one less word if you made it "dangling seatless" And that line is brilliant by the way. I wish I wrote it.

The last line of the verse would be clearer if it was less full. Perhaps something like "stay away from, but boys just have to learn" This again is making a definitive choice. The listener will get the point. After all the old saying is "Boys will be boys" not "Some boys will be some boys" The listener understands the reference is not to every boy.

Second verse

Left behind to rot by the ones who loved them, is more powerful


The major nag I have for you is that the metaphor is really only half complete. While the song stands perfectly fine on it's own, if you could subtly twist in how you were abandoned too it could be great. I think you'd need maybe one or two more references to the other half of the metaphor max.

I really like this one.]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Nick Torres https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-derelict-mp3/#post-368524 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-derelict-mp3/#post-368522 Mon, 08 Aug 2011 14:56:41 +0000
cheers,

Ben]]> Sunday Songwriters Group br85 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-derelict-mp3/#post-368522 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-derelict-mp3/#post-368521 Mon, 08 Aug 2011 14:46:37 +0000 Sunday Songwriters Group John Sargent https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-derelict-mp3/#post-368521 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-derelict-mp3/#post-41645 Mon, 08 Aug 2011 12:38:40 +0000
Revised MP3: http://www.soundclick.com/player/single_player.cfm?songid=11020424&q=hi&newref=1


Where my first ball was thrown
past the chains of old swing sets dangling seat less
looking for adventure I'd roam
in the shadows of the factories I found exactly
what I should have known
to stay away from but boys just have to learn

I used to find my fun in abandoned homes
left behind to rot by the ones who should have loved them
and I sympathise with those old places now
coz though id kept the wind from putting chill to your bones
and spent time enough with you to see boys become men
you boarded me up like an old derelict home

Used to get a thrill from crossing under the tape
marked in the colours of the hornet, dangerous when cornered
warning that the floor might break
wish I had of saw one of your cautions before it was too late

Too late
You saw the cracks forming and ran
Turned your back and called it a plan

I used to find my fun in abandoned homes
left behind to rot by the ones who should have loved them
and I sympathise with those old places now
coz though id kept the wind from putting chill to your bones
and spent time enough with you to see boys become men
you boarded me up like an old derelict home]]> Sunday Songwriters Group br85 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-derelict-mp3/#post-41645