https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-finally-my-very-own-post/ Guitar Noise Discussion Board en-US Fri, 05 Jun 2026 00:58:31 +0000 wpForo 60 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-finally-my-very-own-post/#post-66266 Tue, 24 Aug 2004 18:53:27 +0000
sorry that I didn't reply earlier, I've just seen your post;)
congratiulations:)

after reading all of it I think I like your first version more...no maybe a mix of the 1st and 2nd...because

-somehow it seems the verses of your first draft touch me more
-I love your ending in version#2
-the chorus is awesome
-first verse of song#2 is the one I like most there while I agree that the last verse of song#1 is excellent(but if you make a whole new song out of it, fine, that'll be great i think) and I also like the poor child in the beginning(you could have a little kid singing this if you're ever going to record this)whom I feel really sorry for(this verse is in all its simplicity very sweet and sad)

on the whole I gotta say it's very good for a first song, you should have seen my first one...jesus, you'd run out of breath laughing :roll:

don't think I don't like your revision...I dunno i just can relate better to the verses of your original song.

anyway good job :D
bluenightangel]]> Sunday Songwriters Group straycat. https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-finally-my-very-own-post/#post-66266 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-finally-my-very-own-post/#post-66222 Tue, 24 Aug 2004 10:46:57 +0000
vic-
not to worry your fav verse is now the inspiration for this week's topic, i am going to exspand on it and make it a whole song.

scratch-
i tried it again and rhymes are not my friends. my brain just freezes up on me.

not sure on the music for this, not sure if it still fits the same music of the original. i do know that i want the ending to be kind of a fad out and just end right after the last word.

"Too Much"

I study for hours each night
honor roll, Honor Society, all honors classes
run track and I tutor
I don't do it for me
parents still push for more.

Dear diary,
I don't think I can take it any more
the stress, the anxiety, the pressure
it is all too much
the one tonight deeper than before
matching my other wrist.

Together all of high school
never been with another
I gave him my heart
must not been enough
we had plan to get married
he decided to sleep with my friend.

Dear diary,
I don't think I can take it any more
the stress, the anxiety, the pressure
it is all too much
the one tonight deeper than before
matching my other wrist.

This can't be right
I'm to responsible, to careful
always looked down at the others
but now I am one
unwed and pregnant
I'll forever be shamed.

Dear diary,
I don't think I can take it any more
the stress, the anxiety, the pressure
it is all too much
the one tonight deeper than before
matching my other wrist.

Dear diary,
my very last entry
you won't be hearing more from me.


-CheapThrill]]> Sunday Songwriters Group CheapThrill https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-finally-my-very-own-post/#post-66222 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-finally-my-very-own-post/#post-66033 Mon, 23 Aug 2004 11:17:44 +0000
you do have a good point about the last two lines of the chorus not really fitting the ages of the three characters. when i started writting the song i had the basic idea of the three characters and that they all were going to have something going on badly. i wrote the chorus first (came to mind first) then wrote the three povs. i guess i could change those two lines to something about not having the will to go on or live. a good general statement.

i guess that i am starting off in a good place. from the comments i have gotten i have got good imagery, just need to work on the structure part more. i am guessing.......maybe....sorta.....

i am now realising just how daunting of a take it is transitioning from writting free verse poetry (ooooo.....i know i did a bad thing mentioning the "p word" in this forum) to something a lot more structured like a song.

i am going to keep trying and tourtureing myself with this song writting thing. OCD sure is a strong driving force. :lol:

thanks again scratch.

-CheapThrill

p.s. it is nice to have feed back from someone whose work you admire so much. :)]]> Sunday Songwriters Group CheapThrill https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-finally-my-very-own-post/#post-66033 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-finally-my-very-own-post/#post-66027 Mon, 23 Aug 2004 10:05:05 +0000
First of all, Vic's remarks are spot-on. You have really good imagery here, and I think striking is perhaps the best way to describe the chorus.

The only problem I have with the chorus is: the one tonight deeper than before
matching my other wrist. Is this something you would suppose a grandmother type figure would do? Or a young child? . I may be way off base, but it's my impression that this is most common amongts teens, or early 20s.

The only suggestions I could come up with. (and I've re-read this several times, now) are:
- Find some way to make those last two lines more general.
- work on the meter and the rymes. (this isn't so important for some folks)

Otherwise, I think this is fantastic for a first go. Good job.

-- Scratch 8)]]> Sunday Songwriters Group scratchmonkey https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-finally-my-very-own-post/#post-66027 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-finally-my-very-own-post/#post-66002 Mon, 23 Aug 2004 04:42:37 +0000
ok i guess i need to explain the pov's here. my thought was of just having three people from different generations and showing things that are devastating to them, make them want to hurt themselves. the people aren't related at all although they could be. i do like what vic said Looks to me like the point of view of the same person over three different eras........ that works really well too.

tokai-
i knew about the first verse having less lines, just didn't have time to come up with two more lines. it bothered me when i posted it that way. i do really like your comment about the last two lines of the last verse, i do really think it makes it sound better. and there is another rhyme too. :D

scratch-
the last pov is of like a grandmother type person and the person she is missing is her husband. they almost made it to their 50th anniversery but he passes 2 days before that. i guess i need to make that more clear. i was sure hoping that i would be able to finally come up with something to post before too many more weeks past.

i am not totally sure (not a doctor) but i think my muse has ADHD. it never seems to stay around long enough for me to be able to get a song finished. i think my muse needs to be on medication. :lol: i get a good idea and a few lines then poof my muse if gone then off to something else. i took a poetry class in college and i wrote a poem about having too many ideas to write about that you can't get one piece of work done before you have another idea you have to get down.

about the rhyme thing. i don't have anything against them, i do like them. they just don't really like me. the moment i try to get them out on purpose i can't seem to get the lines to say what i initially want them to say. or what has happened before is that i do rhyme but it sounds too much like dr. seuss. (one of my fav authors btw)

vic- images are strong.....the chorus is a little dark, but very striking....... it is comments like that, that give the desire to really want to keep trying. i have to confess for all the comments that i have made to other people's work i didn't even think about an ending. :oops: i like your two ideas for the ending not sure if i will take the dark or opt for the happier ending.

thanks again for the comments i really apreciate all of them. i was bound to finish a song that i could post one day. hopefully i am bound for more and greater things.

can't wait for more comments from scratch.

-CheapThrill
(even in my own post i ramble on) :lol:]]> Sunday Songwriters Group CheapThrill https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-finally-my-very-own-post/#post-66002 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-finally-my-very-own-post/#post-65956 Sun, 22 Aug 2004 20:38:15 +0000
Looks to me like the point of view of the same person over three different eras........

It is a little messy in places,but it takes time and experience to acquire polish.... but the images are strong.....the chorus is a little dark, but very striking.......

Next time try playing around with it a little more.....go back, look at each line, see if there's anyway you can improve it.........

you might like to add an ending rather than leave the reader in limbo, maybe just one more line - something along the lines of:

"Dear diary, my last entry, you won't be hearing more from me"....very down beat........

Or "Dear Diary, something's lifted my sorrow, too excited to write, more tomorrow"......very upbeat.......

The above are just suggestions - and who was it who said you should always leave the audience wanting more?

Look forward to more from you,

Vic.

:) :) :)]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Vic Lewis VL https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-finally-my-very-own-post/#post-65956 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-finally-my-very-own-post/#post-65924 Sun, 22 Aug 2004 09:18:50 +0000
I was wondering when you might favor us with a tune. Anyways, these are just initial thoughts, and probably stray ones at that. I'll post a more thorough critique when I have time to really pore through this one.

I'm a bit confused. How is the POV moving? Are we going from person to person, or moving through time?, or are we moving through time through the eyes of different characters?

It seems to me, that we hear from a child, then a parent, and then someone (parent?) missing someone (child?). That's my initial perception, but I could be way off.

Lastly, rhymes aren't hard to come up with. Try them, you'll like them.

Just my initial $0.02. I'll write more when I have a chance to really read it thoroughly. Right now, though, I'm just glad you submitted it.

-- Scratch 8)]]> Sunday Songwriters Group scratchmonkey https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-finally-my-very-own-post/#post-65924 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-finally-my-very-own-post/#post-65917 Sun, 22 Aug 2004 06:14:47 +0000
Congratulation on your first song post.

First off let me start by saying, that I am not fond of these kind of song.(brings back memories of a lost friend)
but I still must reply.
Like Scratch I too like to see rhymes in a song,and you do have a few, though they are scattered everywhere. this makes it hard for me to get a feel for the song. This coupled with a four line verse leading off then the next two verses have six. Fix the syllable break down for each line and consolidate some of the other it may help.

I do like this verse the best

This house is so empty
it all makes me think of him
it breaks my heart
it makes me cry
I never thought that he'd ever pass
fifty long years, just two days shy.

but how about if you change pass to die, and then reverse the last two lines
fifty long years, just two days shy.
I never thought that he'd ever die.

Again just my opinion.]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Tokai 12 String https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-finally-my-very-own-post/#post-65917 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-finally-my-very-own-post/#post-3234 Sun, 22 Aug 2004 05:28:56 +0000 -side note- sorry scratch but my song doesn't rhyme, except by accident. i have a hard enough time getting the words on paper much less trying to get them to rhyme.

“Too Much”

Mommy don't make me go to school today
the ridicule and the punches I can't bare
when I walk the hall all they do is stare
not a soul will play with me.

Dear diary,
I don't think I can take it any more
the stress, the anxiety, the pressure
it is all too much
the one tonight deeper than before
matching my other wrist.

Called in sick today
in bed is where I'll stay
no Zanex left
the kids and my boss take all my time
it never ends
can't do it all by myself.

Dear diary,
I don't think I can take it any more
the stress, the anxiety, the pressure
it is all too much
the one tonight deeper than before
matching my other wrist.

This house is so empty
it all makes me think if him
it breaks my heart
it makes me cry
I never thought that he'd ever pass
fifty long years, just two days shy.

Dear diary,
I don't think I can take it any more
the stress, the anxiety, the pressure
it is all too much
the one tonight deeper than before
matching my other wrist.


ok, i know this song needs a lot of work. so don't go easy on me, i can take it. :D
when i first read this week's topic i read part a and didn't even think about. thought that it was way too advanced for me. i figured that the inanimate object one would be so much easier. boy was i wrong. i tried that one and got no where. i was suprised to get inspiration to write the muti pov one. and i have taken (i think) marv's advice and didn't fight my muse this time and went with it, and actually finished a song.
let me know what you guys think.

thanks in advance.

-CheapThrill]]> Sunday Songwriters Group CheapThrill https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/week-41-finally-my-very-own-post/#post-3234