https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/y12-w15-first-time-submitting/ Guitar Noise Discussion Board en-US Thu, 04 Jun 2026 08:39:27 +0000 wpForo 60 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/y12-w15-first-time-submitting/#post-384524 Tue, 18 Feb 2014 16:04:16 +0000 Sunday Songwriters Group John Sargent https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/y12-w15-first-time-submitting/#post-384524 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/y12-w15-first-time-submitting/#post-384497 Sat, 15 Feb 2014 20:39:31 +0000
I didn't like the title either. I think I'm switching it to "Soldier's Nostalgia."

Thanks again :)]]> Sunday Songwriters Group wilcoman https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/y12-w15-first-time-submitting/#post-384497 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/y12-w15-first-time-submitting/#post-384490 Sat, 15 Feb 2014 03:36:01 +0000 yes welcome to SSG.
For me the this phrase " He’s thinking about ending time" has always felt like he's thinking about his own mortality especially now that he's in harms way.
#1 Consider revising this line to fit with the school imagery
"Didn’t have to dive to get the pearls"
....or if not school, foreshadow the desert life to come in the chorus +1

My read of the song progression is.
schools days = no cares in the world life is easy ==> new life is hard full of doubt, but he made his choice an now must live with it. If this is true then I think I would have the bridge make this point a little stronger maybe just changing that last line
so: Platoon was his favorite flick
He liked to feel the gun click
The college track he missed
He made the choice to enlist
He got stuck under the iron fist to: Platoon was his favorite flick
He liked to feel the gun click
The college track he missed
He made the choice to enlist
and now he's stuck under an iron fist other than that its all good :D

cheers
Paul]]> Sunday Songwriters Group pbee https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/y12-w15-first-time-submitting/#post-384490 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/y12-w15-first-time-submitting/#post-384486 Fri, 14 Feb 2014 21:48:44 +0000
As James says, this is a great start. He's already hit most of the points I wanted to mention (especially the "diving for pearls" line) but I will add that you might want to give your character a specific sport in which to excel. It's a small point, but "football star," "basketball star," or "baseball star" each can give the listener more of a visual connection to your character than the generic "sports star" can.

Also, you mentioned possibly going first person with this. That's an interesting idea and might work as long as you take into account that the narrator's point of view shouldn't be as balanced as the narration currently is.

One thing that would be very interesting if you do go first person would be to start off the song with the chorus. That would set up the mood of reflection and introspection very nicely.

Looking forward to more.

Peace]]> Sunday Songwriters Group David Hodge https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/y12-w15-first-time-submitting/#post-384486 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/y12-w15-first-time-submitting/#post-384483 Fri, 14 Feb 2014 13:57:10 +0000
Welcome to SSG :D

Looks like you've got a good start here with these lyrics.

Nice job on the story telling with the past leading to the present and possible future.

This line is a bit open ended....which isn't a bad thing......

"He’s thinking about ending time" as it could be ending "time" as in suicide or leaving his "time" to his committed assignment.....or "ending time" as in finishing his assignment.....maybe the melody will clarify....or maybe you want it vague.

Suggestions:
#1 Consider revising this line to fit with the school imagery
"Didn’t have to dive to get the pearls"
....or if not school, foreshadow the desert life to come in the chorus

#2 Consider the fit of the title and chorus.

Cadet suggests a student in training for the military service
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/cadet

This would imply the chorus is a "field exercise"....which should not be too difficult for a sports star.......

On the other hand, if the title is Soldier....or like the show title "Enlisted"....or "Jarhead" and the chorus was about a war situation, that would up the stakes and bring in the idea of suicide or looking forward to the end of the tour more in line with a life/death situation

I look forward to the sound clip.

Thanks for sharing.

James]]> Sunday Songwriters Group jamestoffee https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/y12-w15-first-time-submitting/#post-384483 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/y12-w15-first-time-submitting/#post-45078 Fri, 14 Feb 2014 05:55:37 +0000
I might be a real rough version from sound cloud up this weekend…

Cadet


He walked the halls with head held high
Didn’t care about school, didn’t even try
Sports star, who got all the girls
Didn’t have to dive to get the pearls


Everyone wanted to be his friend
He was at every party until the end
He dropped the ball in the big game
His life has never been the same

C:Now he’s caught in a desert
He’s got no women or wine
He doesn’t have a clean shirt
He’s thinking about ending time

Platoon was his favorite flick
He liked to feel the gun click
The college track he missed
He made the choice to enlist
He got stuck under the iron fist

C:Now he’s caught in a desert
He’s got no women or wine
He doesn’t have a clean shirt
He’s thinking about ending time]]> Sunday Songwriters Group wilcoman https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/y12-w15-first-time-submitting/#post-45078