https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/y12w18/ Guitar Noise Discussion Board en-US Thu, 04 Jun 2026 14:32:25 +0000 wpForo 60 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/y12w18/#post-384673 Sun, 09 Mar 2014 10:55:32 +0000
I agree with Renee about the metaphors and suggest describing what the "it" is in "got to get it done"

Also consider loading the song with more concrete images.

I made a similar song a couple weeks ago (light on concrete images) and it came across as generic and cliché.

More concrete images will give the lyrics uniqueness and personality....right now I see the following: sun, clock, rope.....

...when you define "it" the concrete images will be easier to incorporate.

Thanks for sharing.

James


BTW This is my song I was referring to for comparison of little to no concrete details compared with the rewrite with concrete details.......

=====Original Version=====(only one concrete image: bell jar)
She lived to write
At least she tried
She tried to write
This mother; this wife

She was young
She was smart
Life outside distorted; bizarre
She kept her rage in a bell jar

She lived to die
At least she tried
She tried to die
This mother; this wife

She was young
She was smart
Life outside distorted; bizarre
She kept her rage in a bell jar

I think I made you up inside my head (repeat)
I shut my eyes and the world drops dead


=====Revised Version =======
http://soundclick.co...cfm?id=12702165
(more concrete images: petticoats, hooks, doll house, etc.....)

Crisp starch petticoats hang on hooks
Teach young women to clean and cook
Doll house dreams; manicures
Don’t bite the doctor; don’t fight the nurse

Typewriter keys click at 4 A.M.
Black blots on pages with fountain pens
Poems to the dead; dry inkwell
Lady Lazarus back from Hell

She was young
She was smart
Martyr’s smile distorted; bizarre
She kept her rage in a bell jar

The ocean refused her sour breath
Under the floor boards swallowed pills for rest
Carbon monoxide dying is an art
Head in the oven; half-baked heart

She was young
She was smart
Martyr’s smile distorted; bizarre
She kept her rage in a bell jar

I think I made you up inside my head (repeat)
I shut my eyes and the world drops dead]]> Sunday Songwriters Group jamestoffee https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/y12w18/#post-384673 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/y12w18/#post-384663 Sun, 09 Mar 2014 00:49:04 +0000
I'm not sure about "before time gets un-spun." I don't quite get the meaning.]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Hobson https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/y12w18/#post-384663 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/y12w18/#post-45155 Sat, 08 Mar 2014 20:01:51 +0000
A race has begun
This has to get done
before time gets un-spun
lost in the setting sun

Got to get it done
Got to get it done

Clock ticking down
creates a lonely sound
Alone in a room
Feel the impending doom

Got to get it done
Got to get it done
got to get it done
got to get it done

Can we slow life down?

See the deadline approach
at the end of a rope
sliding without hope
down this slippery slope

Got to get it done
got to get it done]]> Sunday Songwriters Group glprattimages https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/y12w18/#post-45155