https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/y12w29/ Guitar Noise Discussion Board en-US Thu, 04 Jun 2026 19:57:02 +0000 wpForo 60 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/y12w29/#post-384970 Mon, 26 May 2014 16:24:24 +0000
The veins ...threw me off also, so I'd agree to keep working at it....and easy rhyme would be "pain" but might lead to cliché line.

I also really like the use of concrete images here.

Thanks for sharing.

James]]> Sunday Songwriters Group jamestoffee https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/y12w29/#post-384970 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/y12w29/#post-384968 Mon, 26 May 2014 02:08:16 +0000 Sunday Songwriters Group wilcoman https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/y12w29/#post-384968 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/y12w29/#post-384967 Mon, 26 May 2014 01:26:55 +0000
This line could be stronger: I found her body when she died
Maybe something like this: I found her where she died

I wasn't sure where you were going with this line until I got to the end:
I still dream of her veins
It seemed like a strange thing to say.

Instead of this: I got goosebumps from her grey stare
How about: I felt as cold as her grey stare]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Hobson https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/y12w29/#post-384967 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/y12w29/#post-45329 Sun, 25 May 2014 23:27:24 +0000
I found a box in the attic
It said Mary’s stuff on the side
Her death was traumatic
I found her body when she died

C:It’s been years since it happened
Her blue eyed memory remains
The weight of it has lessened
I still dream of her veins


I pulled out her red scarf
Memories of snow in central park
Holding her on fisherman's wharf
Our touch shot sparks

I grabbed a CD by Ween
Dazed and hazed sunshine drives
Chocolate and Cheese summer dreams
Thought there was no end to our lives

C:


I found a black and white photograph
Her black hair dripping off the chair
Her arms were covered in tracks
I got goosebumps from her grey stare


C:]]> Sunday Songwriters Group wilcoman https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/y12w29/#post-45329