https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/yr-7-week-22-first-time-post/ Guitar Noise Discussion Board en-US Thu, 04 Jun 2026 09:43:55 +0000 wpForo 60 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/yr-7-week-22-first-time-post/#post-325258 Sat, 04 Apr 2009 18:19:16 +0000
I think my favorite is "maybe broken is all that I know", but I do think that there is too much baseball imagery in the first chorus. I really like the lines "Cracked to the core by your wicked curveball, You battered my heart, all for your fun" but maybe something else for the final line, perhaps "But look at you now, you've left me alone" well, maybe that's not a winner either, but when I read "you're my perfect home run" I interpret home run as a good thing, like you got back together. Judging from the second chorus, that's not what you're going for.

hope that helps.

jeremy]]> Sunday Songwriters Group contagiousjerm https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/yr-7-week-22-first-time-post/#post-325258 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/yr-7-week-22-first-time-post/#post-325130 Fri, 03 Apr 2009 10:18:58 +0000
The one thing I didn't like was the frantically, just makes the sentence too long for how I sing it in my head

We (frantically) struggled, gasping for air

Other than that, some great suggestions.

I can see what you mean here:
And threw me away not caring where I'd land
Maybe simpler though: And threw me away, didn't care where I'd land

Will also comment on your lyrics and others, though my opinion isn't worth much since I just started :lol:

Vic: Hah, our cricket team is often like that it's true, though the South Africans seem the strongest at the moment. (woo sidetracked)

Anyway thanks again guys]]> Sunday Songwriters Group jaythejoker https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/yr-7-week-22-first-time-post/#post-325130 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/yr-7-week-22-first-time-post/#post-325099 Fri, 03 Apr 2009 04:05:57 +0000
Nice Work on all three and another thumbs up for KR's suggestions.

:note1: :note1: :note1:

John]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Celt https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/yr-7-week-22-first-time-post/#post-325099 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/yr-7-week-22-first-time-post/#post-325084 Fri, 03 Apr 2009 02:03:35 +0000
“Venice is drowning” you sang to me,
Clouds grew dark, as if filled with despair,
Rain splashed off the bridges and swept us away
We frantically struggled, gasping for air"

“Venice is drowning” you sang to me,
We struggled toward shore desperately,
Battered by the rain and tossed by waves,
We swam for our lives over its watery grave"

Hey KR, nice advice.... I really dig your changes 8)

Ken I agree with Ken (CitiZenNoir) agreeing with Ken (KR2).....some good advice there.

Jay, welcome to GN in general, and the SSG in particular - hope you'll stick around, mate! (I've never known an Aussie yet who was a quitter.....especially your flamin' cricket team, GRRRR! Oh lord - we've got to face them this summer. Got to practise my rain dance, I think.....only way we'll end up with any credit from the series....)

Not too sure about "maybe broken"....seems to me you mixed a couple of metaphors and got sidetracked, but hey, at least you're thinking outside the box....

Replay My Life? Hmm...maybe it is a little simplistic - but it works. Choruses are there to kind of sum up a story to that point - and both of these do that.

Looking forward to more from you, and thanks for your input!

:D :D :D

vic]]> Sunday Songwriters Group Vic Lewis VL https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/yr-7-week-22-first-time-post/#post-325084 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/yr-7-week-22-first-time-post/#post-325051 Thu, 02 Apr 2009 19:18:13 +0000
“Venice is drowning” you sang to me,
Clouds grew dark, as if filled with despair,
Rain splashed off the bridges and swept us away
We frantically struggled, gasping for air"

“Venice is drowning” you sang to me,
We struggled toward shore desperately,
Battered by the rain and tossed by waves,
We swam for our lives over its watery grave"

Hey KR, nice advice.... I really dig your changes 8)

Ken]]> Sunday Songwriters Group CitiZenNoir https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/yr-7-week-22-first-time-post/#post-325051 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/yr-7-week-22-first-time-post/#post-325035 Thu, 02 Apr 2009 17:02:48 +0000
Welcome, Jay
Glad to see you jumped right in . . .
Speaking of jumping . . . into the water . . .

This is what I wound up with . . . when going over Venice Drowning
I took out all the “As we”s

“Venice is drowning” you sang to me,
Clouds grew dark, as if filled with despair,
Rain splashed off the bridges and swept us away
We frantically struggled, gasping for air

“Venice is drowning” you sang to me,
We struggled toward shore desperately,
Battered by the rain and tossed by waves,
We swam for our lives over its watery grave

I took out the harmony thing altogether . . .
because I couldn't see a connection between swimming for your lives . . . and harmony . . .
and replaced it with more of the imagery you started.

- Maybe Broken Is All I Know (Ernie)

Just one line I had trouble with . . .
And threw me away, who knows where I'll land The tense used in this is confusing. Started with past tense and then switched to future . . .
. . . which makes sense . . . if you are still in mid-air . . . but maybe,

And threw me away not caring where I'd land

would be an alternative.

As with any suggestions offered here by me (or anyone else) you are under no obligation to use them . . .
feel free to disregard them. (But I'll send da boyz over to your house . . .)

Don't forget to leave comments on others' lyrics . . . so that we can ignore your comments as well. :?

Again, welcome to the SSG madness . . . I mean fun.

KR2]]> Sunday Songwriters Group KR2 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/yr-7-week-22-first-time-post/#post-325035 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/yr-7-week-22-first-time-post/#post-325024 Thu, 02 Apr 2009 14:13:29 +0000
Yeh, I wasn't too sure about the harmony, I guess they're in harmony in their disharmony. Will try replace it with disharmony and see if it sounds right.

I agree with the 2nd one being a bit disjointed, will work on that.

Also, I have no idea why I said chill and December, which yes doesn't make sense down here. Sounded right in my head but is completely illogical looking at it now. I think the baseball tangent made me go on to American seasons hahaha.

Looking forward to next week in any case, this is fun.]]> Sunday Songwriters Group jaythejoker https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/yr-7-week-22-first-time-post/#post-325024 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/yr-7-week-22-first-time-post/#post-325018 Thu, 02 Apr 2009 13:12:44 +0000
Looks like you are off to a good start there, lookin good!]]> Sunday Songwriters Group JoeHempel https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/yr-7-week-22-first-time-post/#post-325018 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/yr-7-week-22-first-time-post/#post-325017 Thu, 02 Apr 2009 13:11:37 +0000
Welcome and good start! :D Posting that first post can be daunting, but you did it!

Suggestions: “Venice is drowning” I guess it will depend how the verses are tackled or what you had in mind, but it seems like the singer is feeling "disharmony"
Now we drift in our harmony ....but the "harmony" could go with the idea of the same fate for all mankind...mentality....rain falls on the righteous and unrighteous....the rich and poor all die....etc...
Maybe Broken Is All I Know Not really sure about the 2nd one, went on a bit of a baseball tangent... I think the baseball angle could work, but consider sticking with it...the two choruses seem like they would be difficult to put in the same song....baseball like all sports has had its share of fallen heroes....and the idea of "record breaker" or financially broke.....or "washed up" etc....

Replay my Life (Dylan)

I would replay my life
From the first time I saw you
In the student hall
I admit I adored you... or....

....I like the idea you have started like a love of my life missed out on....

I would replay my life
From the time it all ended
From the blistering dawn........I don't know of a blistering dawn...that is a very severe weather term unless it's like the prison planet in The Chronicles of Riddik
To the chilly December....."chilly" seems a bit light in contrast with "blistering".....also, dawn and December aren't often thought of as contrasting......dawn and dusk/night fall.......December (winter) vs. June/July (summer)


.....Take what helps and toss the rest, but welcome none the less! :D

James

PS Sorry about the December (winter) vs. June/July (summer)...I just saw on your post you are located in Australia....so .....
December (Summer?)(Wakaringding?) vs. June/July (Winter?)(Malaparr?) ....Is that correct??? better or worse :? :lol: ...I am being very American in my assumptions and knowledge of geographical climates :roll:]]> Sunday Songwriters Group jamestoffee https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/yr-7-week-22-first-time-post/#post-325017 https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/yr-7-week-22-first-time-post/#post-35552 Thu, 02 Apr 2009 12:38:20 +0000
I'm new to these forums (as of today), guitar (as of a few months ago) and singing (outside of my bedroom, as of 1 month ago) :D
Probably a little out of my depth jumping straight into lyrics, oh well. Thanks to jerm for compiling that list of the titles, would be great to get some feedback, here goes:

- Venice is Drowning (dhodge)

“Venice is drowning” you sang to me,
As the clouds grew dark, filled with despair,
Rain splashed off the bridges and flowed us away
As we struggled, gasping for air

“Venice is drowning” you sang to me,
As we struggled for the shoreline so desperately,
You told me one day, it would all flood away
Now we drift in our harmony

- Maybe Broken Is All I Know (Ernie)

Maybe broken is all I know
Cracked to the core by your wicked curveball
You battered my heart, all for your fun
And look at you now, you're the perfect home run

Maybe broken is all I know
I wonder, alone, waiting for dawn
You sheltered me, in the palm of your hand
And threw me away, who knows where I'll land

- Replay my Life (Dylan)

I would replay my life
From the first time I saw you
In the student hall
I admit I adored you

I would replay my life
From the time it all ended
From the blistering dawn
To the chilly December


The first one has issues, but I quite like it.
Not really sure about the 2nd one, went on a bit of a baseball tangent...
The third one is maybe too simple?

Heh, need comments :)]]> Sunday Songwriters Group jaythejoker https://guitarnoise.forum/sunday-songwriters-group/yr-7-week-22-first-time-post/#post-35552