SSg 41 Cherished Memories MP3 now uploaded

I just thought I would update you, after spending yesterday and last night humming around the words of this song , it just got to me, so I did a recording this morning and sent it off to Adam . You can hear it at http://mp3.moosoft.net   in the Jamir folder shortly
Go well
Jamir ;)

Hi Jamir,

I wanted to clarify a couple of things.

First coming up with the title shouldn't stop you from running all the ideas around.  What you want to do is have everything stewing around while you try to think of that critical phrase.  Don't try to wipe your mind of all else, let it blend.

The second thing is you changed the word "imagery" to "descriptive".  Naughty, naughty, you thought I wouldn't catch you?  We need imagery words.

You need words that describe an image.

So pick a image theme:  for instance "Pirates"

treasured = Digging at the X on the map
simple=like walking off the plank

Know what I mean?

Okay, now the last thing is the hidden meaning.  It's a poor choice of words on my part.  It's the theme, the universal appeal, the what's the point of the song.  You usually know this way ahead of time from the very first line you write.  All I want to do here is to make sure you are aware of your own existing underlying theme.  Don't try to re-assign it.  

What I want to make sure happens is that you know what it is and that you stick to it throughout.  You really don't have a problem with this so don't dwell on it.  It's there, just pull it out.

If you'd prefer you can do this step as part of the editing.  Read it, figure it out, make sure you don't go off on a tangent somewhere.

I like to think of these internal meanings as old sayings.  To me your song looks like a combination of this old Irish saying:

"There is no feast like a roast, and no torment like a marriage. "

and Samuel Butler

"To live is to remember and to remember is to live. To die is to forget and to forget is to die."

But pull them from your own list of old sayings.

I haven't looked at your song or listened yet.  I'll do both later today.

Nick

Thanks Nick,
I hear what you are saying !!!!! :)
Will work on the imagery,  I write like I speak and think, which is probably the biggest problem, I will have to enlarge my vocab of expression me thinks !!!!! to over come this.
Thanks again for the help
Go well
Jamir ;)

I like this it has a really...well I don't what it has but it just gets you, or maybe it just gets me. It's the tone you've created, excellent.

The only thing I can say to improve it is something that has already been touched on. Some carefully chosen and well placed imagery would add to this no end. But be careful you don't ruin what you have created 'cos that would be a shame.

Pete. :)

Hi Jamir,

Somewhere else on this forum I made a vow to be less friendly to each other and more harsh in order to make these exercises more valuable. So here I go with a few criticims, I feel we appreciate each other enough already to make and take them.

The sentence that made most sense to me was:

"Why are you scared to be happy, preferring to be lonely and sad"

The perception is very individual, but this was one of the few instances I felt you were really trying to understand the opposite sex. The bulk of the song is rather describing your attempts to persuade the other to become more like you (men hate this, you know  ;) ).

I like the main theme of this song. It's not about having broken up, but about refusing to cherish memories. By reducing the sadness to a specific item, it becomes much stronger and more credible.

We have difficulty with each others metre, it seems  :). I'm stumbling over the words in verses 3 and 4.

I agree with the other comments about imagery, but that's a theme I have to work on very hard myself. It will be of focal interest when I write my homework this week.

I'm looking forward to the evolution of this song, if you decide to alter it in the first place.

Dieter

Thanks for the imput, I think you should wait to hear it, to get the meter,  :D although it was a very quick recording and I know i can do better. My imagery is weak in my writing i do agree, but I try to use my voice to convey the emotion which sets the mood and the backdrop... well in my humble opinion anyway  :P

Thanks for the feed back, if you have any imagery suggestions, I am looking forward to them, as I am going to re record it, but am looking for suggestion and imput where I can change lines for the better, with out changing the essence of the song before doing so

Thanks again
Go well
Jamir ;)

I don't want you to take what I'm about to say  in the wrong way because I  think that this song is very very good. But to me what this song is really about is a person who was so hurt by whatever has happened to him in the past that he is hiding within himself and he is not able to put it behind him and start living again. I think you made the song about the OTHER person. The one who is trying to understand him. If you rewrote the song from the first persons situation it would be completely different but I think the appeal would be more universal. Because most people have been hurt at least once and thought they'd never get over it.

Hey New Writer,
you hit the nail on the head, but, how do you write from the other persons point of view when you can't get inside his head in the first place  ???

Joking aside, I have actually written this from many angles, I just decided to put up this one  because ,  for a change it came into my head with a melody which is very rare for me
Maybe you will see some of the others in future assignments

Thanks for the imput,

Go well
Jamir ;)

now uploaded at
http://mp3.moosoft.net/jamir/

I would really appreciate any comments on this rough MP3 if it is not to much trouble as I would like to record it properly as soon as I am over my bronchitus :-/

Go well
Jamir ;)