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Sunday Songwriters Group
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Topic starter
30/01/2004 8:28 pm
twenty past 4
verse 1
knots in my shoulders
theres pins in my brain
despite what i told her
she still gon' feel the same
all that i wanted
was her and nothing less
she said i cant be trusted
it stabbed me in my chest
bridge..
well it was deserving
i had left her once before
i told her hey i was learning
as she shuffled out the door
CHORUS
tensions have mounted me, im truddin like a horse
cant shrug them off, im swervin off my course
all these problems dont mean sh*t  right now
cuz its twenty past four and im floatin in the clouds
verse 2
lost my job today
boss dropped me like a weight
seems like just yesterday
he was saying i was great
but the budgets slipping fast
their trimmin off the edge
got my back to the wall
and my toes are on the ledge
BRIDGE 2
Does anyone deserve this Â
Hey I gave them half my life Â
And  then they toss me to the street Â
And lock me out of sight
CHORUS 2
tensions been mountin me, im truddin like a horse
cant shrug them off my lord, im swervin off my course
all these problems dont mean sh*t  to me right now
cuz its twenty past four and im floatin in the clouds
VERSE 3
now my old lady shes about as fine as can be
people say they never met a man with luck like me
i told her my troubles, how i'd been cut loose like a trout
well she packed up her s*it and left me, without a damn doubt
bridge
well i guess i deserved it
i gave her all she need
and now that i cant-shes gone
she left me here to bleed
chorus 3
tensions have mounted me, im truddin like a horse
cant shrug them off, im swervin off my course
all these problems dont mean sh*t  right now
cuz its twenty past four and im floatin in the clouds
anyone have ideas for an outro???
Keep on rockin'
30/01/2004 8:50 pm
Very good flow to this. Left a bitter aftertaste due to the subject matter but it's a good song.
I'm guessing there's a chorus to go between
got my back to the wall and my toes are on the ledge
now my old lady shes about as fine as can be
otherwise your second verse is double the size of your first (at least to my reading).
The verses and the bridge are really well done just the third line of the chorus knocks me out of step/rhythm when I read it - just have another look.
Good stuff
bob :)
You are what you eat, eat well
Topic starter
30/01/2004 9:15 pm
Hey bob,
thanks for your comments and advice
yeah i hadnt meant for a chorus between those 2 but definitely fits better with one in there. i messed with the chorus a little bit to better fit the meter...i usually struggle to fill meter equally because i tend to sing with varying tempo.
as usual, good comments
keep on rockin'
Keep on rockin'
30/01/2004 10:54 pm
Love the first bridge!
I didn't have any trouble with verse two (I just thought you condensed two lines into one), but I was wondering why there wasn't a bridge for that verse as well. Maybe something like:
Does anyone deserve this
Hey you give them half your life
And then they toss you to the street
And then lock the door up tight
That's really bad, I know! But I hope you get what I mean.
Can't wait to read more!
Peace
Topic starter
02/02/2004 3:31 pm
your right about the bridge and i like that one it sounds brucey so ill steal it for now. thanks.
i added the bridge and also changed the format of how i typed the verses now so its easier to see where im splitting up the bars
Keep on rockin'