SSG2-Week 3- Olav, ...
 
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SSG2-Week 3- Olav, take two

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 Olav
(@olav)
Estimable Member
Joined: 23 years ago
Posts: 150
Topic starter   [#1509]

Take two.
Decided to start all over and try to actually follow Nicks rules this time. Hopefully this is better than the last.
List of words:
Knife, bloody, dark, windy, chainsaw, shadow, tombstone, altar, morgue, grave, casket, skeleton, dead bodies, fire, spiders, rats, chains, chamber, full moon, sacrifice, scream, dark moon, night

V1
The ground cannot conceal the sound
As the grave cries out like a chainsaws scream
The birth of the night, bloody and vile
Eclipse darkens the full moon

The time has come when spiders gather
Amongst rats and amongst themselves
An old stone morgue casting fiery shadows
A chamber glazing bloody red

Chorus
As skeletons moves in the shadows
The ritual begins
The knife is placed on the altar
Bloody chains are locked in place
Unseen hands do the sacrifice
Life and death to celebrate

Fire flickers, tombstones moves
Caskets brings forth the guests
A celebration of a life
That soon will see its death

Dead bodies rise for the occasion
Windy rain carries their stench
The dark of the night covers their motions
As the celebration reaches its height.

Chorus
As skeletons moves in the shadows
The ritual begins
The knife is placed on the altar
Bloody chains are locked in place
Unseen hands do the sacrifice
Life and death to celebrate



   
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(@nicktorres)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 5381
 

wow!  The first verse just blew me away.

What a difference.  Really colorful imagery, sucks you right in.  The power of this one dwarfs your original.

What do you think?

I've gotta tell you I'm impressed.

Nick



   
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 Olav
(@olav)
Estimable Member
Joined: 23 years ago
Posts: 150
Topic starter  

Thanks Nick. Appreciate your feedback.
As someone who do not like scary movies it took me about half an hour to come up with the words to use, and a lot longer to stick with them. I
like the way you kinda force us to write in a perimeter. Difficult, yes. Fun, absolutely.
Hopefully by following your directions we'll get better at it. And hopefully you have some happier subjects coming up. LOL.
Olav



   
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(@mjbird)
Estimable Member
Joined: 23 years ago
Posts: 136
 

Much better...and Nick is happy.  What else can I say. :P

Oh yeah....in a couple places you have multiple plurals:
skeletons moves

tombstones moves  

Pretty minor stuff really.  



   
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