SSG3 Week 29 - Choruses

Man you do get carried away, don't you? I'd like to hear the rest sometime.

Joe

I'd pick a couple and concentrate on those.

How can you whittle down the chorus to the most powerful, catchy set of lines? It's tough.

Personally, I think the first one has too much exposition in it. Leave the development of story to the verse.

The second one is good.

The next best IMHO is neighbor's window, but you split the chorus up and add more explanation. Lines 1 and 2 are winners. 3 and 4 tell me, uh-uh, show me. Line four and five take away power. I think you should be drawn to it, not repulsed. Like watching a car wreck.

I'd leave the chair out of it too. What is the chorus about? You or the chair?

Fell in love with a silouette
In the neighbour's window
Turn to see her shape undress
and blows and shadow's bruises
in the neighbour's window
in the neighbour's window

Ireland has good potential although I'd be tempted to change the line order. There's a real danger of it turning twee and cliched - anyone writing the verses for this needs to stay away from leprechauns and guinness at risk of offence :wink:

Ireland (Constantyne)

Sing me a song of the land that I call home
Sing me a song of Ireland
For it's a while since these Irish eyes saw green
And I walked in the land of my fathers

I really liked the bones of my fathers line but I couldn't work it into my suggestion but if you could keep it and work the chorus around a little It'd be really good.

I like Buzz Kill Blues good gritty sound to it.

I think you were ambitious in trying as many choruses as you did but at least you tried. :D

The two I've commented on here were the ones that worked for me.

Good Stuff

Bob

Slowplay,

Great work with the titles! My favorite is Buzz Kill Blues, can't wait to hear it. G. :)

Hi SlowPlay()
These three stand out for me one way or another. Overall I think you did great job with those titles.

Where Do We Run (AerynK.McAvan)
Not so keen on this one as a chorus, I agree with Nick here.

ur arms, crippled in their longing (bluenightangel)
You nailed this one. Great job.

Ireland (Constantyne)
Definite chorus material for a good song.

Thanks everyone for your comments.
I'd pick a couple and concentrate on those.
Good advice, Nick. I still believe in writting down every scrap of lyric that I think of, but it is important to focus, so I've done just that.

I sorta changed directions for the "Window" song. I didn't like the creepy voyuerism vibe I was giving off by describing the undressing. You were right in demanding that I show you it, rather than tell you about it, but I really didn't have the stomach to do either.

The Neighbour's Window (Karla)

Fell in love with a silouette
In the neighbour's window
Backlit, I can't see the difference between
Black and blue and porcelain

Ireland has good potential although I'd be tempted to change the line order.
Hey Bob, thanks for pointing that out. And yeah, I kinda liked the "bones" line too, so what I've done is make two choruses that could both be used in the same song either separetly or back-to-back.

Ireland (Constantyne)

Sing me a song of the land that I call home
Sing me a song of Ireland
I'll fake a smile 'til these Irish eyes seen green
And my feet stroll the fields of my childhood

Sing me a song of the land that I call home
Home of the bones of my fathers
I long to see the jewel God planted in the sea
Sing me a song of Ireland

My intent for the verses would be to research a story of an Irish-Canadian's experiences, since I'm only 1/4 Irish, and am several generations removed from those shores.

hey:)

thanks for choosing my title. didn't think of where it could go and you took it to a beautiful place :D
thanks for that, i relly like the way it turned out(especially the first two lines). only one tiny thing..... I think the last line has been overused
it's a good line, no doubt, it's just that it could be better;) dunno what else to write instead or if one should leave it out.
anyway it's really good. I love it.

thank you.
bluenightangel

Hey bluenightangel, thanks for the compliment.
only one tiny thing..... I think the last line has been overused

That's a very good point. That phrase does get used a lot, especially during the week on "Earth" a little while back. I'll have to give it some thought.