SSG3 - week 3 - dhodge

I really enjoyed your song. I can imagine it being sort of like Tom Petty's Into the Great Wide Open, kind of upbeat but has a slowish, somber tone. Great writing!

Hmmm....I saw it more as a "Streets of London" kind of song, sort of folky, melancholy.....

OK one minor quibble.... the chorus is repetitive, but works....sort of a call and response sort of thing....I can imagine the second line starting just as the first line gets to "places" and "places" being held for the entire second line.....works well for me....

But if you're going to have a repetitive chorus, try not to repeat yourself in the verses as well....for example,

The noise is filled with music
The noise is filled with smoke.....

How about, as an alternative to that, simply changing a couple of words around....

The music's filled with noise,
The noise is filled with smoke....

just a suggestion, other than that I think it's brilliant.....

Peace, David.....

Vic.

:D :D :D

I really don't know if I'd go with brilliant, but I appreciate the thought :wink:

Music-wise, I guess it could be a little Tom Petty-ish, depending on the instrumentation. Except for the bridge, it's simply E and A repeating themselves over and over in a (surprise!) train-like rhythm.

Vic, the chorus does indeed overlap vocally. The "people going places" part is very melodic with the last note holding over the "waving at trains" part (which is almost clipped in an early David Byrne style vocal).

Also, I think you may be right about the second verse but I'm not sure how I'm going to fix it at the moment. Early this morning I came up with:

The noise is filled with music
The music's filled with notes...

Mostly, I have to admit, because I like the play of words with notes, since the rest of this verse is pure observation (or notes) of the people on the platform.

I'll have to work some more on this...

Thanks again for giving me some more to think about!

Peace

I really like this one, Dave.

I kinda got the feeling that Paul & Becky's love, and the graffiti that proclaimed it, were linked together. So I was expecting that the graffiti's removal portended the demise of their relationship. But then you kept it alive. That kinda threw me.

The last verse is wonderful. I really love it. Amazon.com has a link to a short movie on their homepage right now. (I don't know for how long) the short is called "Agent Orange." Your last verse reminds me of that short. I don't know what kind of connection you have, but if you can, you should give it a look. I think it's a perfect tie-in. Anyways, this was a terrific piece, simple, thought-provoking observation of an every-day event, that goes maybe one or two layers deeper than the surface. Really very nice.

-- Scratch 8)

I'm new to this and am not sure if I should make suggestions about your work; but, here goes. I would change one verse just a little from this

The noise is filled with music
The noise is filled with smoke
The old ladies and their stories
The old men in their coats
The black girls dressed in rainbows
The white girls made of glass
The boys all window shopping
Don't you hope for more than that

to maybe something like this

The noise is filled with music
The smoke filled the air
The old ladies and their stories
The old men and their jokes
The black girls dressed in rainbows
The white girls made of glass
The boys all window shopping
Don't you think it's more than that

It's an idea.

Hi Mike

Making suggestions is more than half of what this forum is about, so do feel free to do so and as often as you'd like.

My thanks for yours, especially that last line, which I like a lot! I'm going to include it the next time I do it for people and see how it goes.

Thanks again and I look forward to chatting more with you here on the boards.

Peace

Always good to read some of your lyrics, David.

Nicely done.

A :-)