Week 36--FADE OUT

hullo,
i really like it, i'm not sure what the music you had it with was like but yeah, as i said i really like it. lol i had to ask someone what ingenue meant, but that's probably just me.
adios!

Hi Joe,

I think there's a good song in there, but I don't think your there yet.
For me it reads very melodramatic, and if that was your purpose,
then you've done well. The problem for me is I'm not sure how serious to take this song. This leaves me in a little doubt and unease, thats not necessarily a bad thing for a song to do BTW. What were your thoughts ?
:D
pb

That's okay pbee, I don't always understand what you're talking about either, lol. It usually makes me read your song a few times, and usually I end up liking it the more I read it (and get it). As for my song, I write what comes out of my head. For the most part it's about self absorption. The melodrama? Hm, I don't know. Could be the theme, and all the theatre terms I used that give it that, or maybe you're just reading too much into it. Don't know. "Love hurts," so maybe that's why I prefer to joke about it. Thanks for the critique.

Oh, and thanks MJ. Glad you liked it.

Joe

Okay, let's try it this way now:

FADE OUT

YOU SAY THE WORLD’S A STAGE
WELL THIS AIN’T WHAT I SIGNED ON FOR
YOU’RE THE INGENUE AND I’M JUST HERE
TO SHINE THE STAR ON YOUR DOOR

NO SMALL PARTS, JUST SMALL ACTORS
THERE FOR YOU TO IGNORE
WHEN THEY EXIT LEFT YOU REMAIN
FOR JUST ONE MORE ENCORE

OH DIM THE LIGHTS, DRAW THE CURTAIN
BABY, TAKE YOUR FINAL BOW
I’M NOT JUST ANOTHER FACE IN THE CROWD

THIS SHOW IS OVER
LOVE SCENE’S PLAYED OUT
IT’S ONLY YOU IN THE SPOTLIGHT NOW
TIME FOR ME TO FADE OUT

I’M DONE WITH YOUR PERFORMANCES
YOUR CONSTANT MELODRAMA
WE WERE JUST A COMEDY OF TRAGEDIES
GREAT SEX, AND LOUSY KARMA

AS LONG AS I WAS ALWAYS THERE
WAITING IN THE WINGS
YOU’D NEVER LET YOUR HEARTFELT MONOLOGUE
BE UPSTAGED BY HEARTFELT FEELINGS

SO DIM THE LIGHTS, DRAW THE CURTAIN
BABY, TAKE YOUR FINAL BOW
I’M NOT JUST ANOTHER FACE IN THE CROWD

THIS SHOW IS OVER
LOVE SCENE’S PLAYED OUT
IT’S ONLY YOU IN THE SPOTLIGHT NOW
TIME FOR ME TO FADE OUT

IT’S ONLY YOU IN THE SPOTLIGHT NOW
TIME FOR ME TO FADE OUT

:D :D :D

Hey Joe,
when are we going to hear some of your stuff ?

pb

Wow. Nicely done.

1. I think your first verse is terrific. I liked your original version the best. I especially liked (A) your use of all the poetic tools, assonance, alliteration, internal rhyme, etc: (this wasn't what... you the ingenue...just the guy who shines the star on the door) (B) "no small parts, just small actors"--GREAT line, perfectly used, and I can just hear it said by the object of the song in attempted refutation of the singer.

2. Your second verse isn't as strong as the first. The first half of your revised second verse is very strong, very specific, and really connects (although I think it scans better without the "just" before "a comedy of tradgedies"). At the end, though, the line "you'd never let your heartfelt monologue/be upstaged by heartfelt feelings" doesn't quite work for me, either rythmically or lyrically: (A) "heartfelt monologue" is a really, really difficult phrase to work in, because hearfelt wants to be two stressed syllables (though a singer can render it otherwise) and "monologue" doesn't fit well with the rest of the mostly iambic verse; (B) repeating heartfelt doesn't quite work for me. Given your terrific start, I think with some work you could put better lines here.

3. Really great job with the assignment, a nice extended metaphor, a nice dramatic situation (no pun intended) specifically rendered with details. I thnk with a little work this can be a terrific song.

SfDean.

Hey, thanks a lot SF. When I get a chance later I'll take another look at both versions. But off the top of my head, whata ya think of my changing the last verse from......
AND IF YOU'D FELT ME ACHE FOR YOU
WHILE WAITING IN THE WINGS
WOULD YOU LET YOUR HEARTFELT MONOLOGUE
BE UPSTAGED BY HEARTFELT FEELINGS
To:

AND IF YOU'D FELT ME ACHE FOR YOU
WHILE WAITING IN THE WINGS
WOULD YOU LET YOUR NEXT LOVE SCENE BE
UPSTAGED BY THE LOVE YOU'RE FEELING

I like it better. Somehow, when I read it, though, I do the line break before the "be" at the end of the third line.

Great job.

SfDean.