Y12W35 Wedding Veil Betrayal

I like the play on the word "lies"
Nice walk down progression on the guitar but it goes on a long time. The thing feels, musically, like it needs a bridge.

Hi John,
Nice walk down progression on the guitar but it goes on a long time. The thing feels, musically, like it needs a bridge.

Yes, something isn't sitting quite right and I haven't figured out a good way to fix it. I'll play around with your suggestions.

Thanks for the listen and post :D

James

POOF changes made :mrgreen: Bridge melody added

It's a good start and a good story. But it feels like there's not a real conclusion. Yes, we know that Jacob had to work another 7 years. Did he do that? Did he get to marry the woman he wanted? What happened to the older sister when the 7 years were over? This song is in a ballad style, which generally follows the story to its conclusion. Also, what's the moral of the story? (Not that we need one.) Is it to follow society's rules, to not trust people, to make sure you know what you're getting, to be patient and you'll eventually get what you want?

It's a good start and a good story. But it feels like there's not a real conclusion. Yes, we know that Jacob had to work another 7 years. Did he do that? Did he get to marry the woman he wanted? What happened to the older sister when the 7 years were over? This song is in a ballad style, which generally follows the story to its conclusion. Also, what's the moral of the story? (Not that we need one.) Is it to follow society's rules, to not trust people, to make sure you know what you're getting, to be patient and you'll eventually get what you want?

The song is about the betrayal. I think he encapsulated it well. He doesn't have to tell the rest of the story here.

Hi Renee,
It's a good start and a good story. But it feels like there's not a real conclusion.
Yes, I meant it to be more about the moment-the betrayal.

Maybe I'm not approaching this right, or maybe I need to get better. Last week and this week I was using the song as an interest starter or catalyst to raise the listener's interest and then they would be interested enough to want to know more.

Yes, we know that Jacob had to work another 7 years. Did he do that? Did he get to marry the woman he wanted? What happened to the older sister when the 7 years were over?
It's a very interesting story how Jacob, these two sisters and their maid servants produce the 12 sons that become the nation of Israel....but again, that would all be too much to fit into one song, so it's to be a interest generator for the questions you bring up in the listener's mind.
This song is in a ballad style, which generally follows the story to its conclusion.
I read recently how Bob Dylan liked the idea of a song being beyond the limits of time in that the songs would be on a type of loop where the end of the song is the beginning of the song....I'm not looping this song but trying to find a stopping point where the focus is on the betrayal itself....this is one event in a story of cause/effects in a historical time line
This song is in a ballad style, which generally follows the story to its conclusion. Also, what's the moral of the story? (Not that we need one.) Is it to follow society's rules, to not trust people, to make sure you know what you're getting, to be patient and you'll eventually get what you want?
This is where I think it would be good for the listener to draw their own conclusions. They are facts recorded and the outcome of those facts recorded and can be traced to modern problems in the middle east.

I'll probably leave this as is for now as I am experimenting with different aspects of songwriting, but I do appreciate your critiques as to what is or is not hitting the mark for you (and potentially other listeners).

Thanks for the listen and post :D

James

There wouldn't be so many kinds of music if personal tastes didn't vary. I've written my share of lyrics that other people found incomplete or vague or unclear or internally inconsistent or just not very good. As always, any comments that I post are nothing but my own humble opinion.

As always, any comments that I post are nothing but my own humble opinion.
That's all any of us can do, still I appreciate your time to listen and give feedback :wink: