Y3week41 a few days and this flat is a mess.

Not much colour in it...just a couple of passing references....but it's a really good song, once again....

One line I don't quite get,

"Mocking me quietly with your ally time".....it's the "ally time" that grates....either it's a typo, or it's lost something in translation...either way, I just don't get it...perhaps you'd like to clarify?

Apart from that, LOVE IT!!!!

:D :D :D :D

Vic

Oh Yeah....GREAT TITLE!!!

:D :D :D :D :D

Vic

Blue,

Also love the title. One part that didn't seem to fit was
I think of the crayons you took

Kinda seems like your talking about somebody young but then the rest of the song has mature content so that part didn't work for me. Other than that, great write. G. :)

Hi BluenightAngel :wink:

Well you had me srambling for my dictionary on the untaught , I did not even think that was a word but to my surprise I was yet again wrong . :oops:
For anyone else definition of untaught is ;

untaught :adjective: lacking in schooling
Example: "Untaught people whose verbal skills are grossly deficient"

The line Vic mentioned about ally time I took that as Ally being in like a marriage when married couples fool around with each other ( not sex ) :oops: but based on my previous knowledge of the english language I guessing I got that wrong too. :oops:

But B'angel I love this :

think it is only getting worse
The ticking becomes deafening
I sense the hands sweep over me,
they almost seize me, almost seize me

:roll: And I disagree with Vic about the colour but we are all different , I think it paints a very vivid image . such as the following verse

"I act foolishly and I know it
I miss you terribly and I show it
To the stained mirror
To the filthy floor
To the broken radiator
To the wilting flowers
To the reeking fridge that never answers"

A lost love the emotion the sadness , thats my 5 cents worth

well done gurl ( you go gurl ) been watching far too much Americian T.V :wink:

take care
Cheers

L.K :arrow:

Hmm yeah...after reading it again, the colours are sort of understated....too subtle for me to get in one go....very very visual though, the sort of song that paints a very vivid mental image....almost like having a video playing in your head.....

Gets better the more you read it!!!!

:D :D :D

Vic

I'll echo Rocketgirl about the crayon line - it's very abrupt and even after several reads, I'm not sure how it works. Who knows, though? Tomorrow morning I might wake up and think that it makes absolutely perfect sense.

I also think that you could have a field day with color images in this section:
I act foolishly and I know it
I miss you terribly and I show it
To the stained mirror
To the filthy floor
To the broken radiator
To the wilting flowers
To the reeking fridge that never answers

Virtually every item there has "good" and "bad" colors (something green growing on the fridge is never good!), but I guess it all depends on the type of rhythmic meter you've got in mind.

Always a pleasure to read your material.

Peace

hey folks.

back from the festival, around here again (with a pain in my mouth thanks to the dentist, but what the hell).

Vic, glad you love it. the "ally time" thing... it's like time is his accomplice, his ally, because he goes away to do things and have fun, meet friends while I cannot accompany him and stay home with nothing to do(well things to do, but not being able to), waiting for the time to pass, feeling empty... so time's my enemy in a way.
I think of the crayons you took
rocketgirl, you're right, that line does sound a bit childish, but was supposed to refer to the colours again(the colours he took with him when leaving).

hey lotto king, I used "untaught" as a verb, unteach and rhymezone.com says: "cause to disbelieve; teach someone the contrary of what he or she had learned earlier; cause to unlearn" :wink:

thanks everyone for commenting(dhodge- haven't had you replying in a while :wink: ), I appreciate it. :D
cheers,
bluenightangel