Y7 Week 10 - My Invisible Friend - Dylan Barrett

I like it - it's original, inventive, has plenty of imagery and scans well. Best line was "When you're sucking your life through a f***in straw" - profanity or no profanity, that's a highly memorable metaphor which sums up a situation in a way everybody can somehow relate to.

As for musical style, I'm as stumped as you but I often associate violent content with rap music. Your lines might be on the long side for a rap but you could always give it a go. Or at least try to invoke a rapper's attitude when you deliver it, even if it's guitar-based.

Aside from that, I did notice that the song gets to the point very quickly - almost too quickly. All the murdering happens in verse 1 and then it's mostly about the narrator for the rest of the song. I was thinking it could be nice to describe the psycho and personify him a little before he kills everyone, so that there is a small build-up to that event. Then, when he disappears, the narrator's version of events is a little more believable and we can side with him. In the current version, all I'm seeing is "Narrator = Killer", because we never heard much detail about the invisible guy. By fleshing out the killer first, you can create more suspense in the listeners' minds as they weigh up the duality of the 2 characters.

In specific terms, what I'd suggest is adding a verse 0 at the start, where you tell us 1 or 2 facts about the psycho and maybe your history with him. Then verse 1 can contain the killing part. Then verse 2 and 3 could be combined (I think they both contain a little "filler"). Maybe:
I loved him like a brother and it's torturing me
He's disappeared into the ground like my family tree
The judges and the shrinks say I'm screwed in the head
But he hides in the shadows and his eyes are dead

You can probably do better, I'm just rejuggling your words.

Overall, I'd say you have a lot of good material crammed into this song. Any rewrite should be aiming to maximise the interest of the story - draw it out using pacing and suspense techniques like you would find in any good horror, mystery or crime movie.

Hi Dylan, great story.

Just two things and I'll pop on out of here:

An idea might be to sneak some words in from The Raven to get the sinister mood right from the start.

It was midnight when there came a rapping on the door

And in the second line of the second verse . . . maybe:

But he's a dark secret; a bad branch on the family tree

if not dark secret maybe black sheep? . . . dark creep?

Oops, one more thing . . .

Shhhhhh, I hear mocking voices saying he's coming for me soon
There's that rapping on the door and I believe it's a full moon :roll:

Real good job.

Oh, I just thought of one extra thing!

In several of your verses you give us clues about the location of the scene, which really helps to imagine it.
For example:
(v1) "I answered the door" -> tells us you're at home
(v3) "The judges and the shrinks" -> you're in a courtroom
(v4) "injections in my veins, electric shocks I don't need" - in the death chamber

However this device is absent in verses 2 and 5. I think it could add an extra dimension to include (if possible) similarly subtle location hints in those verses. It allows the listener to picture the consecutive scenes and follow the narrative as easily as if it were in an infant's story book. :shock:

That for me would be some sweet icing on the cake.

Hey Dylan,

I am glad you stuck with your idea and fleshed it out...it's a good angle on this week's topic :D
Great concrete images and good story telling

Musically, definitely something dark and maybe slightly atonal... Nine Inch Nails, Bjork, Metallica...maybe an intro like some nursery rhyme song on a music box w/ominous strings, or some kid's voice sounding like it's saying a prayer but it's really saying all the bad devilish things...that always freaks 'em out :twisted:

Suggestion:
Try to stay focused on who the listener is...sometimes your singing to a 3rd party....sometimes to your invisible friend...

-James

Hey, thanks for all the really useful and positive thoughts on this one!

James, I have to say I hadn't listened to Nine Inch Nails until you mentioned them - I have now listened to a number of tracks and i definitely think this is the style for this song. Rap doesn't really do much for me I have to say although Eminem sorta rung a few bells when I was writing this.

Nine Inch Nails is a sort of modern day Stranglers arent' they - brilliant I have to say. Not the music I could play at the moment so I won't be recording this one.

Lot's of stuff to work on here - see you in a couple of days....

Rock on!
D 8)

Hi all - 'couple of days' - hah, that's a laugh..... :roll:

Okay, really got my teeth into this one and think I've ticked most of the boxes:
In specific terms, what I'd suggest is adding a verse 0 at the start, where you tell us 1 or 2 facts about the psycho and maybe your history with him. Then verse 1 can contain the killing part. Then verse 2 and 3 could be combined (I think they both contain a little "filler"). Maybe:
I loved him like a brother and it's torturing me
He's disappeared into the ground like my family tree
The judges and the shrinks say I'm screwed in the head
But he hides in the shadows and his eyes are dead

Reworded it slightly but I think it works well, it tells the story without extended the verses. Thanks.
It was midnight when there came a rapping on the door
And in the second line of the second verse . . . maybe:
But he's a dark secret; a bad branch on the family tree.

However this device is absent in verses 2 and 5. I think it could add an extra dimension to include (if possible) similarly subtle location hints in those verses. It allows the listener to picture the consecutive scenes and follow the narrative as easily as if it were in an infant's story book. :shock:

Suggestion:
Try to stay focused on who the listener is...sometimes your singing to a 3rd party....sometimes to your invisible friend.

Rock on!
D 8)

Hi Dylan,
I like the rewrite well done. There are a couple of things that spring to mind here.
In the first verse
I wasn't the only kid in the playground but I always played alone
Until the day he came knockin' I hadn't a friend to call my own
I wanna play some games he said with a voice that didn't speak
Flesh would fly and things would die while everybody sleeps
I feel that the game is given away too soon, maybe that last line could be something like this
I wasn't the only kid in the playground but I always played alone
Until the day he came knockin' I hadn't a friend to call my own
I wanna play some games he said with a voice that didn't speak
So deal me in an lets begin while everybody sleeps

Verse 2 also seems a bit awkward to me, maybe something like this:
It was midnight ten years later another knocking on my door
I didn't want him in my house Id seen this guy before
And so I opened up my eyes and forced him from my head
But in the quiet crimson rooms the twisted shapes lay dead

Although I think I may have changed the meter a little bit, sorry.

This is a great story

Cheers

Paul

Hey Dylan,
Looking tighter :D

I wanna play some games he said with a voice that didn't speak
Flesh would fly and things would die while everybody sleeps

verb tense agreement "didn't speak" & 'would die'....'sleeps' ....should be 'slept'

Suggestion
for present tense change to:
I wanna play some games he whispers (when/as) he speaks
Flesh flies things/creatures/pets die while everybody sleeps

for past tense and to delay the revelation a bit change to:
I wanna play some games he said with a voice that didn't speak
Missing pet posters often lined our streets
And not a word from you was heard

Suggestion
And not a word from him was heard

Help me now my invisible friend
Help me now my invisible friend

Suggestion
No help comes from my invisible friend
Where is my invisible friend

-James
PS Thanks for posting on Stars...I thought I might have to start asking my invisible friend for his opinions... again :lol:

Ahhhh - excellent - more work... :roll:

And more good suggestions so I can't just roll over and ignore them...

Paul, yup, I may work with a couple of those suggestions - 'so deal me in and lets begin'...yes, I like that... 'I'd seen this guy before' - yes, I like that too... leave it with me. :wink:

Hey James - my pleasure on Stars - I really do like it and I think your sound is very distinctive - ladies and gentlemen...James Toffee....I'd like to hear your voice used a little stronger though...see what it sounds like.. :?

Anyways - verb tense agreement - yeh, but it doesn't always have to agree - I like 'sleeps' even if it doesn't agree it sounds right...

The song is always from the singers/psycho perspective - remember this other guy is in his head and he comes and goes and torments the singer, I use 'whisper' later in the song so don't want to be too gratuitious...

I don't know why, but I shy'd away from being too specific with what they were doing and to what...sort of made me feel uneasy so I'll let the listener decide.

I suppose the 'you'/'him' could still be the singer/psycho perspective - I'll ponder!

Thanks - all good stuff.
Rock on!
D 8)

I see many suggestions on style, so I'll throw mine in - a little bluegrass or country maybe? ok, maybe I just had that in my head because that's what I was just working on, but I can think of a few examples of "killing the loved ones" songs in that style - Johnny Cash "banks of the Ohio" - Violent Femmes "country death song" and Lemonheads "knoxville girl"

even a folksy feel could be fun just because the lyrics generate interest on their own, and a subtle approach musically may make a greater impact when people say, 'wait, what is he singing about?'

contagiousjerm