Y9 W2 Larry's Song w Mp3

What do you think of changing the chorus to plurals?
At this point, I'd suggest keeping it singular.....I don't see how it would help the listener connect more with the song....(if that is something you are wanting)
I can't think of any songs that put the singer in a negative light and people say "Yeah, I want to sing-a-long with that sentiment"....Maybe "Bad" by Michael Jackson or "Bad to the Bone" by George Thorogood
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_7VsoxT_FUY
but in both cases "bad" is more like "I'm cool"

Not that there isn't a place for sobering (pun intended :P)/contemplative songs....For me, it boils down to your intended audience and the message you want to get across. The only challenge from songwriter to songwriter would be to consider if you have "control" of your song saying what you want to say....Are listeners getting the message you intend to send?....If so, great.....If not, see what changes could help clarify what you are wanting to communicate.

I did change the chorus to plural and I debuted the song last night at a song circle. Most of my songs run the emotional range from funny to silly so they really wern't expecting Larry's Song to be serious (One of the guys in the circle is named Larry so I had to let them know it wasn;t about him). The song was well received, I'm pretty sure I'll do it at an open mike soon.

Good news. Congrats!

Ernie

The song was well received, I'm pretty sure I'll do it at an open mike soon.
That's great! :D

This is my first recording. I figured out how to use the mike my laptop.
http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=9882906

Great Job

Your John Prine voice work perfect on this.

Do you mind if I add this to my set list?

:note1: :note1: :note1:

John

Great Job

Your John Prine voice work perfect on this.

Do you mind if I add this to my set list?

:note1: :note1: :note1:

John

I would be honored. But thats my Pavarotti voice. The John Prine voice is gravelly. I'm working on an alternate version of the song as well.

NVM

What does the gallary think of this version?
I read where this approach was not advised....trying to talk about a topic through different examples of the topic.....The author called this "Travel Brochure" songwriting. His advice was instead of taking snippets and summaries from 3 different people, focus on one person's story....It was also suggested if you already had a "travel brochure" style song, to develop each of the person's story and then see which one conveyed the message the strongest and clearest.

When time allows, it would be insightful to see if you kept this song and wrote the three other versions of the lyrics for comparison to see which worked best.

For me, right now the 3rd character comes across the best because of the details of his life.....he acknowledges his problem which is like a warning, "If it happened to me, it could happen to you".....there is empathy b/c of his wife's cancer and insurance problems (people can relate to the helplessness of their plight)....and he's dropped through the cracks of the system......This character comes across as most real and genuine by just sharing who he is and how he got where he is.

The first character doesn't seem as "real" b/c we aren't told much about who he is.....he also contradicts by saying on one hand he fights for his space (selfishness) but then says "(A) Bless your generosity……. Bless you (D) we pray"....maybe it is realistic....nice to those who can give you something.....take advantage or ignore those who can't.....but I don't really trust what this person is saying and therefore wouldn't connect with the singer/song

The second character....seems a bit too philosophical....I picture a mother trying to feed her kids not saying "The shame, like my children, continues to grow".....also, even if it was "correct" it doesn't come across well to put the blame of one's problems on someone else.....while we tend to do this to simplify and justify.....there are often many factors involved in creating a given circumstance.....so these lines of "blame" on the Chinese man don't really put the singer in a positive light or make me want to connect with the message.

Take or leave what works for you :wink:

James

There is an event coming up in Chicago (and around the world) called Make Music. The Chicago web site is http://www.makemusicchicago.com/
"Make Music Chicago is a live, one-day music festival on the first day of summer that celebrates the ability of everyone to make music. People of all ages, music of all genres, and amateurs, part-time professionals, and marquee artists will gather throughout the day in Chicago's public spaces to engage in spontaneous music making. The festival is presented by Rush Hour Concerts at St. James Cathedral and is completely free for musicians and audience alike."

I asked if they will place me on the corner of Congress and Michigan (where the song takes place) to sing Larry's Song. I re-recorded it today.
Still just using a laprop with the built in mike. http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=9882906

Great job, coming along well. :)

Just a couple of suggestions. When Larry says "it's my job today" it might work better if it was phrased slightly differently when sung - something more like "this IS my job today" would get across the message that he has actually had to put some effort in and sees it as work. It's the sort of thing that seems pretty clear when you write lyrics but often isn't picked up in the right way by a first time listener.

Another thing that could be tweaked is the word "cell". You use it twice and it means different things each time. It's less likely to confuse an audience if word meanings are consistent. I get what you mean by “booze in all my cells” but it does look a bit more like a forced rhyme than something that would have been chosen on its own merits. There are a lot of lyrics involving jailed drunks - Mr Bojangles, etc - so the listener may well jump to the wrong conclusion. The use of half of the prayer that goes “Now I lay me down to sleep,I pray the Lord my soul to keep, If I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.” was very effective, but maybe something like “a boozy burned out shell” would avoid the different use of “cell”? Just a thought.

The other thing that struck me was that the music doesn't yet seem to quite fit the theme. The version I heard was well done, but it trotted along quite gently, pretty much on the same level. There does seem to be room to differentiate more between the bleak and painful aspects of Larry's life and the religious overtones. There seems to be room still to make it a bit more bluesy, or raw and punchy in spots. But it's early days yet, so I expect you'll be developing that as you go. Good job with it all!

Chris