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Topic starter
07/06/2011 1:58 am
Been a busy week, and I am so behind. (Like a week :wink: ) So better late then never. This all started out with the line, "Fighting his addiction, in High definition" Built on it from there. Stil not 100% satisfied, but if I waited till then, I would never post. Working on this weeks song, will try to post soon.
A Rolling stone cover
With his older Brother
When he was Seventeen
His Brother's long gone
But Johnny's going strong
although things aren't good as they seem
Only 35
Been thru 3 wives
He parties like a fiend
Johnny can't live
Unless Johnny can live
His life to extreme
(Chorus)
But there was a time
Not far from his mind
Where everything was all right
Traveled the world
Loved a million girls
Played on stage every night
He drove them insane
They screamed his name
When Johnny played Guitar
Up on the stage
That's where Johnny played
Johnny's a Rock Star
Had more than he owed
But his house foreclosed
Johnny didn't like paying bills
It all fell apart
Right from the start
When Johnny started popin pills
He goes to rehab
Only his Momma is glad
His band, they want to Gig
His agent calls
Say's get on the ball
We need money to live
But there was a time
Not far from his mind
Where everything was all right
Traveled the world
Loved a million girls
Played on stage every night
He drove them insane
They screamed his name
When Johnny played Guitar
Up on the stage
That's where Johnny played
Johnny's a Rock Star
His money ran low
So he agreed to do the show
Now this is his reality
He's fighting his addiction
In high definition
On our wide screen t.v.'s
90 days sober
He's thinking it over
Looking at that white chip
So back to the road
That's what Johnny knows
Johnny's gonna slip
But there was a time
Not far from his mind
Where everything was all right
Traveled the world
Loved a million girls
Played on stage every night
He drove them insane
They screamed his name
When Johnny played Guitar
Up on the stage
That's where Johnny played
Johnny's a Rock Star
But there was a time
Not far from his mind
Where everything was all right
Traveled the world
Loved a million girls
Played on stage every night
He drove them insane
They screamed his name
When Johnny played Guitar
Up on the stage
That's where Johnny played
Johnny's a Rock Star
90 day's sober
Johnny's thinking it over
Johnny's gonna slip
Thanks,
Brian Z.
07/06/2011 9:24 am
Hi Brian,
I thought it had strong opening, which is always a good thing to achieve. There were some good bits along the way too. The story was clearly done, and easy to identify with any number of people who have made the news over the years. It wasn't quite what I expected from the original brief, but I guess it doesn't matter how you interpret the weekly assignment just as long as you get a song out of it! :D
Johnny is a fairly normal person, leading a fairly normal life. But there is one thing that he (or she) can do better than almost anyone on the planet and it's this one thing that makes life worth living, even the normal part.
You seem to have reversed all that in a way. Was that deliberate or did it just turn out that way? That's not a criticism - it's an opportunity to write a song, not an exam - but it's always interesting to see how differently we all treat the same task, and where we end up. I sometimes finish with a song that's nothing like where I started out, and my song for that same week bent things a bit too!
Keep it up!
Chris
Topic starter
07/06/2011 11:06 pm
Chris,
Thanks for taking the time to comment. Right on, by the way. I started writing and forgot where I was going along the way. I somehow turned it inside out. Also I see it more clearly now that it is out of my hands and posted. What really jumps out at me is what a cliché†the song is. Pretty much done with that song, but will keep plugging away.
Thanks,
Brian Z
P.S. I tried to do a reply on the forum, using the quote button, but it looked as if I was just copying the entire post you made, so that is the reason for this type of reply.
07/06/2011 11:34 pm
Hi Brian
A lot of people hit "quote" but it's easier to just go with the "post reply" button, conveniently located at both the top and bottom of any thread page (once you're reading it) and also in red to make it easier for old folks like myself to see it!
I like this and while there are indeed a lot of songs about this topic, I think you handle it well and make some great observations and terrific lyric lines.
You set up things great - I'd just change the "he" to "Johnny in the second stanza in order to not get confused with his brother:
A Rolling stone cover
With his older Brother
When he was Seventeen
His Brother's long gone
But Johnny's going strong
Although things aren't good as they seem
And since the topic is about doing things that make one feel alive, this stanza has got you covered:
Johnny can't live
Unless Johnny can live
His life to extreme
And it's a great line, too! Likewise this stanza from the next verse:
His agent calls
Says get on the ball
We need money to live
That's a wonderful snapshot moment - concise and descriptive. Has it been done before? Yes. As good as this? Doubtful.
I guess I'm saying don't give up on the song because it deals with a cliché. When it comes down to it, most songs deal with clichés. But it's your take on the cliché that we're interested in. That's how clichés get turned around into new and interesting ideas.
Any thoughts about this one musically?
Looking forward to more.
Peace
07/06/2011 11:45 pm
What really jumps out at me is what a cliché†the song is. Pretty much done with that song, but will keep plugging away.
(I just quoted your whole post, as you said, and snipped out the bits I didn't want. I think that's how it works. )
Cliches are fine (how did you get that nifty accent on the e? BTW?). A great many popular songs are built solidly on the foundation of a cliche. Using well worn stories is a good way to get maximum audience understanding as quickly and easily as possible. The trick is to take a cliche and twist it a little to make your version unique - whIch you did very well with lines like "He's fighting his addiction In high definition On our wide screen t.v.'s" - simple image, but originally put. Good stuff!
My benchmark for songwriting excellence is "You've Lost That Loving Feeling". The Righteous Brothers' singing is fabulous, and Phil Spector's production just awesome. But the lyrics are sheer brilliance. The theme is a major cliche - "I love her, but she doesn't love me". But just look how it's done:
"You never close your eyes any more when I kiss your lips" (that's so intimate, so simple and yet so lyrically clever that I get a little choked up just writing it).
"There's no tenderness like before in your fingertips (Shakespeare could not have done better)
It goes on - a blend of punchy near cliches and beautiful observations such as "And girl you're starting to criticize little things I do" - wonderful stuff, and that word "little" is perfectly chosen and placed. Magic stuff.
I see that David has just posted while I was typing this, and we're saying similar things, but it's worth repeating - don't worry about cliches - just make them your own. You're going well there. :)
Chris
08/06/2011 7:37 am
Hi Brian,
Good start :D You've got some nice rhymes and lines already mentioned.
I agree with the others about not getting down on yourself about cliches. It's a starting point. Depending on how you like learning about songwriting, if you want a step-by-step approach to finding your "unique voice", check out
Popular Lyric Writing: 10 Steps to Effective Storytelling
http://www.amazon.com/Popular-Lyric-Writing-Effective-Storytelling/dp/0876390874/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1307521588&sr=8-1
...and the other side of the equation is the music. If you try just reading lyrics, a lot of them come off quite dry and simplistic.
Thanks for sharing.
James
Topic starter
08/06/2011 10:33 pm
David,
I agree that “he†could be confused with his Brother, so I made the change you suggested. I am not really giving up on the song, I don't think I ever do, I just want to focus on this week's song.
Usually I don't hear music when I write, just a simple rhythm, and a story. However I have been trying to strum and sing these past couple of weeks, and well I can at least hear when something does not work. I am getting tired of my playing safe, So soon, a poor rendition will be posted in mp3.
Chris and James,
The whole cliché aspect only bothers me in that it would have been more interesting if done in another direction, like the assignment called for maybe? :)
Not sure how I got that nifty accent on the e, was using the wife's laptop when I posted. Which unknown to her is what I am going to use to record when I finally do.
It has been a while since I have read anything about lyric writing, might want to revisit it. Thanks for the link, don't think I have heard of this particular book.
Thanks again
Brian