11/12 Oh Tommy / Added MP3 on 1/26

There are some powerful emotions throughout the song. The first 3 verses set it up well. I love how you use the chorus at the end to express the loss of friends and family and belonging.

It seems a little long. Since it's such a personal story, it's going to be hard to cut.

It's all in a normal conversational style, except for this line that seems like forced rhyme: "On this fact I was sure"

There are some powerful emotions throughout the song. The first 3 verses set it up well. I love how you use the chorus at the end to express the loss of friends and family and belonging.

It seems a little long. Since it's such a personal story, it's going to be hard to cut.

It's all in a normal conversational style, except for this line that seems like forced rhyme: "On this fact I was sure"

Thanks for reading and commenting. I just did an edit that removed one instance of the chorus and rearranged verses a bit. That should shorten a bit. I changed the one line to "Of this fact I was sure."

Deleted one chorus and replaced it with an intrumental version of the chorus

Hi John

When the need to come out, best to let them.

Having a bit of a disconnect with this one. Tommy, who is important enough to be in the title and in all the choruses, doesn't get more than a passing mention in the main narrative in the line before the first chorus. While I sense the song is about loss (familiar surroundings, friends and family), there's little for the listener to empathise with in order to share in this sense of loss, even when the listener is addressed directly in the penultimate verse ("if you grew up on Adler...").

The song, overall, is a great personal memoir, and maybe that's where the chorus focus should be as well. The narrator brings up a wealth of details but the chorus detracts from the story instead of adding to it.

Any idea of the music style? Folk-ballad?

Looking forward to more.

Peace

Thee main chord structure is G Em7 Am D with incidental notes thrown around. The chorus may get totally tweaked Hobson pretty much nailed it. The "Adler and 74th" verse was originally the first verse, it may go back.

Hi John,

Good start. :D I looks like all the jigsaw puzzle pieces are on the table, but could use some rearranging to click into place by firming up the time line and locations.

I agree Tommy needs a stronger role in the story, or make it the singer saying.....I can't come out to play.....and change who he is talking to to match the changing locations: Tommy, the pagans, the farmer etc.

One disconnect to check are these two ideas:
It was the coldest day in January.....It’s such a nice day; Won’t you come out to play

I look forward to the listen.

James

The coldest day in January - on a winter night. Such a nice day. These are intentional disconnects. The fantasy reaching out to escape reality- not wanting to deal with life on lifes terms. A shivering kid on a cold box remembering a nicer day. An older man reflecting on the "God shaped hole" and wanting to fill it with happier memories.

I did further edits, now the chorus is sung only twice. There will be a simple guitar line between each verse. The chorus may still get an entire rewrite but at least now an arrangement is forming in my head. I don't record as easily as you do so I want to get it down in thought before I start the DAW.

It was the coldest day in January
We had to huddle for warmth
Me and Rox, sat on the boxes
As the trailer pulled out from 74th

This was when we moved out of Milwaukee
And went to New Berlin
I wasn’t aware, when we got there
That I would never see Tommy again

(Chorus)
Oh Tommy can you come out to play
Oh Tommy can you come out to play
It’s such a nice day
Won’t you come out to play

It was the end of Catholic school
I was in the third grade
No morning masses for public school classes
Mom was afraid my soul would stray

I new kids would all be heathens
Of this fact I was sure
They’d have fire filled nights and Pagan rites
They were the ones the Nuns prayed for

They called this place Monterey Park
There was a farm at the end of the road
I saw how the farmer cared for his cows
While I hunted for mice, snakes and toads

I thought we’d live there forever
And I’d make a lot of new friends
Then cancer hit and Mom stayed sick
When she died the family came to an end

Instrumental version of the chorus

I remember on Adler and 74th
When I wanted my friend to come out
To play cowboy guns or for other fun
I would stand on his porch and shout

Now on a winter night when the moon is right
If I’ve been thinking all day
And feel the empty pain I call his name
This is what I say

(Chorus)

Hi John,

I like the details in the verses. I still feel the verses and chorus don't gel; maybe it will be different on a listen. Seems like the chorus should be a resolution with change.....or a fight against it. Maybe like something the parent said "Just get over it"....or "You'll make new friends".....etc.....

I'm still working on this. I've got an idea on the guitar that I'm trying to teach my fingers. I've always been a strummer or a plucker, now I'm trying to become a picker. Also, I need to find a better key for it, my voice has been resisting this in G and D. If time allows, I may have a rough recording this evening.

I made some more edits and recorded this thing. My recording area is in my office. No employees in today and my wife is on a road trip so I had a few hours to record this. Still not as good as I like but I have to draw a line somewhere.

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12131277

It was the coldest day in January / We had to huddle for warmth
Me and Sister Roxy, sat on the boxes / As the trailer pulled away from 74th
We moved out of Milwaukee / And went to New Berlin
I wasn’t aware, when we got there / That I would never see Tommy again

This was the end of Catholic school / I was in the third grade
There’s no morning mass for public school class / Mom was afraid that my soul would stray
The new kids would all be heathens / Of this fact I was sure
They’d have fire filled nights and Pagan rites / They were the ones the our old Nuns prayed for

I remember my old neighbourhood / When I wanted my friend to come out
To play with guns or for other fun / I would stand on his porch and I’d shout
Oh Tommy, can you come out to play
It’s a beautiful day, won’t you come out to play.

They called this place Monterey Park / There was a farm at the end of the road
I saw how the farmer cared for his cows / While I hunted for mice, snakes and toads
I thought we’d live there forever / And I’d make a lot of new friends
Then cancer hit and Mom stayed sick / When she died our family came to an end

Now on a winter night when the moon is right and I’ve been been in my head all day
And feel the empty pain I call Tommy’s name, OOOOO
Oh Tommy can you come out to play
I need a beautiful day, won’t you come out to play

Hi John,

Nice sound :mrgreen: I really like the guitar solos that have a touch of Spanish feel to them.

Lyrically this one still isn't grabbing me. While there are a lot of details, they seem in-cohesive with each other; except for the fact that the singer knows them all, but why these facts?

Many are introduced then left with no back story or what happens next. For example, Sister Mary, which is a bit confusing because you are talking about Catholic school and nuns in the next verse, is mentioned once.....why? If it won't lead anywhere say "our family".....maybe a foreshadow.....we moved to a warmer city because my mom's coughing was getting worse.....we didn't know why, but for her we moved......then later when you say she died, it's in a context.....

In the same way, we don't know why Tommy is longed for? Why not the mother? ....To play with guns or for other fun......How old is the singer now? It's a bit ironic how kids with guns now has negative connotation, not necessarily youthful innocence......

Then the troubled kids.....it says mom was right, but what was the trouble? was the singer enjoying "trouble" or was he picked on?....and the farmer and hunting for animals? Nothing is wrong with the details in themselves, but the connection between them is not clear.......

.....consider finding an underlying object or person that reflects the changes the singer is feeling.....or some other aspect of the singer's life to tie the memories together in a cause and effect stream.

Take or leave as you see fit.

Thanks for sharing. I enjoyed the music.

James

Hi John,

Nice sound :mrgreen: I really like the guitar solos that have a touch of Spanish feel to them.

Lyrically this one still isn't grabbing me.....Take or leave as you see fit.

..... I enjoyed the music.

James

Thanks for listening and commenting. I'm glad you like the slight Spanish feel. Since the subdivision was called "Monterey Park" I thought it was appropriate. I should have played it a bit more evenly with less stacato.
My recording techniques still leave a lot to be desired. I originally laid down the guitar strumming just as a temporary track. I intended to delete that track, it had lots of chord mistakes. When I lowered it's presence in the mix, found it's place. The vocal came next. I found out how hard it is to come in on a right note after several measures of rest. For the bass line, I just kept it simple, one note per measure. The arpegiated sus chords and the lead were on my trusty tenor ukulele.

I understand this lyric doesn't grab you. It says what I want it to. It doesn't matter why they moved, a third grader has few choices around families moving. When we moved I was in for a shock. I thought that everybody lived like we did in our neighborhood. Children were not allowed to ring door bells or knock. In the suburbs, I tried hollering for a neighbor kid to come out. His mother came to the door and asked if I was sick or something.
Public school was a total shock. My Catholic school education had taught me (or at least left me with the impression that) there would be a lot of nakedness in the public school system.
When your belief system is turned upside down, there is a strong desire to go back to the familiar. Tommy was the familiar.

I'm happy with the lyric and the melody, especially the hook.

It doesn't matter why they moved, a third grader has few choices around families moving. When we moved I was in for a shock. I thought that everybody lived like we did in our neighborhood. Children were not allowed to ring door bells or knock. In the suburbs, I tried hollering for a neighbor kid to come out. His mother came to the door and asked if I was sick or something.
Public school was a total shock. My Catholic school education had taught me (or at least left me with the impression that) there would be a lot of nakedness in the public school system.
When your belief system is turned upside down, there is a strong desire to go back to the familiar. Tommy was the familiar.

When you say it like this, I can connect as a reader. :D

You just told a story with a good balance of emotion and details. Consider gleaning specific words and phrases from this account.

For me, there are quite a lot of details here that bring the story to life and emotional phrases spelled out....few choices......shocked......turned upside down.....strong desire to go back to the familiar......There's nothing here about a farmer or hunting animals, but I get the story without those details....

...Just compare the two and check that you are REALLY saying these details in the lyrics; not just assuming.

Then again, if you don't want to change it, it's your choice, but just to validate this is a story that can be related to with a universal emotion and worth sharing.