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Topic starter
10/07/2014 10:52 am
A rewrite of a song I did previously.
The original is here: http://forums.guitarnoise.com/viewtopic.php?f=23&t=54399&p=470837&hilit=silkie#p470837
Original recording is: http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=1121624&songID=12229030&showPlayer=true
I'm heading out on a road trip so no time to record anything today but the melody will be quite similar.
It's a retelling of a story of the Silkie - creatures that are seals in the water, shed their skins and are people when they are on shore.
The Silkie - First person
(Em) My father was a (G) fisher(D)man
(Em) He saw a dark tone (Am) woman on a (D) rocky is(Em)land
(Em) As she slept in the sun he (G) stole her (D)skin
(Em) Awake she (Am) followed and (D) obeyed (Em) him / Em /
(G)He made her his own his (D)dark prize wife
(Em) Together they lived a (D) family life But she’d
(Em) stand by the (G) water and (D) sing to the (Em) sea And
(Em) long to (Am) return to the (D) life of (Em) silkie
Chorus
[G]Woman or man [D]upon the land
We shed our skins on [D]shoreline sand, there are
None so [G]dark [D]and comely as the
[Em}silkie [Am]that live [D]in the sea
(Em) They lived together for (G) seven (D)years
(Em) Each night she wept (D) seven tears
(Em) Seven sons (G) she did (D) bare
(Em) I was (Am) dark and (D) six were (Em) fair
chorus
(Em) Father kept a (G) secret (D) chest
(Em) In it he (Am) locked her (D) natural (Em) dress
(Em) One night she stole (G) the old rusty (D) key
(Em) Put on her (Am) skin and (D) returned to the (Em) sea /
(G) Back in the water, she (D)swam with ease
(Em) My father and brothers (D)they were displeased
I (Em) saw her and (G) followed (D) into the (Em) bay
And (Em) with my (Am) mother I (D)swam (Em) away
chorus
11/07/2014 9:22 am
Hi John,
Good start :D You and Renee seemed to have the same interpretation on the assignment; which is fine.
Suggestions: Consider revising keeping in mind that first person is not all knowing. In first person the singer interprets what they see happening and fills in the blanks from his or her POV.
So I'll make some comments where the lines might not be from 1st person POV and why
The Silkie - First person
(Em) My father was a (G) fisher(D)man
(Em) He saw a dark tone (Am) woman on a (D) rocky is(Em)land..HE MIGHT SAY "MY MOTHER" NOT A WOMAN; ESPECIALLY BEING CLOSER TO THE MOTHER THAN FATHER, OR AT LEAST CHOSING TO LIVE WITH HER NOT HIM
(Em) As she slept in the sun he (G) stole her (D)skin
(Em) Awake she (Am) followed and (D) obeyed (Em) him / Em /
(G)He made her his own his (D)dark prize wife...WOULD THE SON REFER TO HIS PARENTS RELATIONSHIP LIKE THIS?
(Em) Together they lived a (D) family life But she’d
(Em) stand by the (G) water and (D) sing to the (Em) sea And
(Em) long to (Am) return to the (D) life of (Em) silkie...WOULD HE REALLY KNOW WHY SHE WOULD STAND BY THE WATER?
Chorus
[G]Woman or man [D]upon the land WE CAN BE G]Woman or man [D]upon the land
SHEDDING our skins on [D]shoreline sand, there are
None so [G]dark [D]and comely as the
[Em}silkie [Am]that live [D]in the sea....SHOULD BE 1ST PERSON "AS WE THE SILKIE WHO LIVE IN THE SEA"....BUT THE SINGER IS NOT LIVING IN THE SEA, SO MAYBE ......SILKIE WHO COME FROM THE SEA
(Em) They lived together for (G) seven (D)years....WE LIVED TOGETHER "FAMILY" FROM CHILD'S POV
(Em) Each night she wept (D) seven tears...WOULD HE KNOW THIS? I WOULD THINK THE MOTHER WOULD CRY IN PRIVATE
(Em) Seven sons (G) she did (D) bare
(Em) I was (Am) dark and (D) six were (Em) fair....THIS MIGHT NEED TO BE INTRODUCED FROM THE BEGINNING TO SET UP THAT THE SINGER IS A SILKIE LIKE HIS MOTHER AND THE OTHER BROTHERS ARE NOT....AT LEAST BEFORE THE CHORUS TO CLARIFY WHO THE SILKIE IS SINGING
chorus
(Em) Father kept a (G) secret (D) chest
(Em) In it he (Am) locked her (D) natural (Em) dress
(Em) One night she stole (G) the old rusty (D) key
(Em) Put on her (Am) skin and (D) returned to the (Em) sea /
(G) Back in the water, she (D)swam with ease...MAYBE BACK IN HER/OUR SKIN(S)
(Em) My father and brothers (D)they were displeased...HOW WOULD HE KNOW THE OTHERS WERE DISPLEASED IF HE LEFT WITH HER?
I (Em) saw her and (G) followed (D) into the (Em) bay
And (Em) with my (Am) mother I (D)swam (Em) away
chorus
Take or toss the suggestions as you see fit. The gist of the lyrics is still a very interesting story. In this case, I think it works better in the 3rd person POV.
Thanks for sharing.
James
Topic starter
11/07/2014 3:39 pm
Yes my rewrite was down and dirty. I only had 30 minutes to work on it. I'll be reverting to the old POV but will keep some of the edit.
At the Henry Ford museum today. Road trip will keep be away from the PC till Monday
11/07/2014 11:10 pm
I think this all works pretty well. The narrator wouldn't know everyone that happened before he was born, but his mother may have told him some of these things.
However, if the parents lived together for only seven years, as the chorus says, none of the sons would have been very aware of what was going on when they parted. So I think that the word "displeased" in the final verse doesn't fit well. The older sons would have been sad or confused if they saw what was happening.
Renee
Topic starter
12/07/2014 5:25 pm
I think this all works pretty well. The narrator wouldn't know everyone that happened before he was born, but his mother may have told him some of these things.
However, if the parents lived together for only seven years, as the chorus says, none of the sons would have been very aware of what was going on when they parted. So I think that the word "displeased" in the final verse doesn't fit well. The older sons would have been sad or confused if they saw what was happening.
There might be some twins or triplets y know