SSG 2 - Week 1 - MJBird

Hi MJ

This is good, glad you got it out of your head and onto paper and you got it in before the deadline so no worries with that at all.

You've probably guessed I'm just going to point a few things out that you might want to take a look at  ;)

First verse:

Bouncing along  
on my suffering steed.

makes it sound quite a happy jaunt maybe substitute bouncing for something like trudging just to emphasise the weariness in his life/situation.

I like the use of final song to allude to the cattle's last stop before burger king.  Good imagery.

Chorus

The only point I'd make about the chorus is that a cowboy's life is quite rough and tumble and he would bear wounds - it's just a touch incongruous. A suggestion is to say:

Hides his wounds
Yet still he bleeds

Second Verse

Is fine as it is but the line

They may be my end

might read better as

They'll bring my end

But if you want to keep it as is then that's OK - honest  ;)

Third Verse

Is half as long again than previous verses.  Are you thinking of including a bridge or instrumental part at some juncture?  Hence the extra four lines.

Also just on this verse

But Molly left me
for another hand.
Left for the city
her own promised land.

Sometimes using the same word can detract and lose impact so maybe substitute the second left with moved, ran etc.

Breaking the promise
When the sky turns black.

Great couple of lines

Overall this is very good.  It flows easily and I was actually reading over a song playing on the radio and it fitted quite well so obviously a good rhythm - I won't tell you what was playing as that's cheating.

Good writing

Bob ;)

Hi MJBird and welcome,

If you've read either of my articles on songwriting or any critiques you know I'm big on not wasting words.  

I like brevity in a lyric, but I believe you may have gone a bit too far.  The lack of individual line depth gives it a lilt or hallmark feel when I read it.  It's almost like you have 1 line split into 2.  Try to add just a bit more story.

"Is sad indeed" has to go.  Too stilted.

Thieves and rustlers
Behind every bend.
When nightfall comes
They may be my end.

This is a really good example of "telling me".  You want to show me.

Okay, imagine a movie scene in your head.  There are thieves and rustlers behind every bend.  What does that picture look like?  How does it effect our hero as he rides through?  What kind of scenery?  

You have a really nice framework for a song here.  Try to flesh it out a bit.

Nick

Hi MJBird

I really like the tone of this and can picture it in my head very easily as a cowboy song. The chorus is great but I'd like to make a suggestion that you change the third line. "He bears no wounds" doesn't quite fit with the rest of the style. You might try something like:

A cowboys life
Is sad indeed.
There ain't a scratch on him
Yet still he bleeds

This is, of course, just off the top of my head (and yes, I've heard all the jokes about the top of my head...). I'm sure you can come up with something even better.

Looking forward to more.

Peace

David, I'd let you come up with things off the top of my head, but you wouldn't be much better off.

Busted....

I wrote the chorus many years ago.
It seemed to fit in the song, but now I agree with
y'all.  It was bothering me too.  It was originally

"A hermits life is sad indeed"

Thats what I get for taking clothes from the back
of the closet.

Thanks for all the critique...appreciated it.

Regarding the short line style, I was trying to
keep it simple, but may have gone a bit overboard.
It does seem to gallop along though.   :P

Bob, your right about the "bouncing" line.
I am changing it.

The "May be my end" works better for me.
"They'll bring my end" is too sure, and I wanted
something probable.

The triple verses at end just kinda happened
and I like it, so I left it.  I like your idea about the
bridge.  

I also changed the "left" part in the last chorus.
Not sure I agree about the repitition dragging
things down, but with the short style of the lines
it seemed a bit to soon for the repeat.

I reckon if you present it as a slow ballad you can ignore the short line lengths. Just a thought.

Otherwise, I'm with Nick - it's certainly got something.

A :-)