SSG2 - Week 1 - Bob

Cool song mate.  ;)

I espically like the line;
"The cattle are loing but I've no heart to sing "

If i was giong to be fussy, i'd pick on this line;
"Instead I've cold coffee and a day long and tired ", but I not going to. ;D ;D

Thanks Marwal appreciate the feedback.  This is very much the first draft.

Thanks

Bob  ;)

Hi Bob,

Congratulations on being our newest moderator.

I want to post this up front:

[glow=red,2,300]Warning[/glow]:  The better you write, the more intensely I critique

This is very well written lyric.  Good story line, flow, and imagery.

but this one strikes me as prose rather than a lyric.

One of my suggestions from my first songwriting article:

"3. If you can say it in fewer words, why don't you?

You can pause while singing. You can hold notes out. Don't feel the need to fill every space with a word. This is a danger most often experienced by lyric first songwriters.

Let the listener's ears rest. Use empty space to develop contrast."

I love quoting me.  So I'm going to do it again. ;D

10. As you get better and better at writing, you'll write simpler and simpler lyrics. Why not start now?

This one I stole from David Hodge. It's true. There is power in brevity.

Don't mistake "simple" for lack of meaningful content. One well chosen single word can have many more connotations and power than an awkward phrase

Why is that important?

One of the things you'll need to develop in any song is a sense of rhythmic consistency and familiarity for the listener.  With lines that long it will be difficult to achieve.

You wrote "The priests still come to this god-forsaken place"  didn't you?  Another excellent piece of writing if that was you.

Four more minor things

1.  I think you need a bit more contrast in form between verse and chorus.

2.  AABB is a PITA.  I don't think it's really an issue here.

3.  The story flows, but it doesn't really end.  Is there someway to end it more forcefully?

4. Herd and "tired of my story"  just make me think of the Abbott and Costello routine.

"of course I've heard of cows"

are you sure you want to do that?

Good writing,

Nick

Of course I'm going to tell you that I like the "herd/heard" play on words in the third and fourth lines!   ;)

The first two lines of the chorus seem a little awkward to me. I've tried saying and singing them and I just can't work around the second line. It seems out of character with the simple homespun man who's singing the rest of the song. Maybe something like this:

The prairie sky shines full of stars every night
As I lie on my blanket by the campfire's light
But I wish on the stars for the chance of a sight
Of my homestead, good crops and my loving wife

Just a thought.

Peace

I'm Siskel and he's Ebert or the other way round.

And I'm Gobsmacked!!!!

What did I do as I read it back? I tinkered with the chorus to make the first two lines

"The prairie sky shines its million lights
A blanket of black pin pricked with delight"

and that was about it.

I thought the cold beer/ cold coffee lines were excellent.

Best,

A :-)

I hadn't thought about the herd and heard line until Nick pointed it out to me - you're too sharp Nick  ;)

I had a rethink about the chorus as thought it was too wordy and instead have gone with:

The prairie sky is a breathtaking sight
A blanket of black and a million lights
But I wish on the stars for a simpler life
My homestead and my loving wife

I wanted to retain the coffee as it's very western in its association and I quite liked the line but felt, as Nick said, the song just sort of ends with no resolution or affirmation of the character's feelings.  So working on the following:

I've driven these cattle all over the plain
And ended up back at the homestead again
I sip at my coffee and gaze at my wife
Must I leave her for more priarie sky

I'm sure you'll let me know what you think ;)

I think it's not there yet but slowly something is happening to it.

Bob

I like the original closing verse better.  I think this song should end without resolution, with a long, fading outro, as it instills a sense of continuation of the loneliness and drudgery.  

I get a kind of Eagles "Tequila Sunrise" feel from this song.

The revision to the chorus is a great improvement, but I think "vast, empty sight" might instill more of the intended feeling of lonely drudgery than "breathtaking"

Good song.

Thanks maxwell - breathtaking came to mind before your suggestion but consider vast, empty sky now appropriated.  Although empty and a million lights may be contradictory - I'll have a think.

I still need to work on the last verse so we'll see what comes along - I quite like this rewrite as he doesn't want to go whereas personally, out on the plains  - try and stop me.

Bob  ;)

OK I thought I'd do a NIck and Alan thing to show where the edits and rewrites have come from:

The Prairie Sky

Alone on the prairie a vast land to roam
There's Many more months until I see home
The cattle I herd drive grow tired of my story
They've heard it from the Spoken by many drovers before me

The prairie sky shines its million lights is a vast, empty sight
A blanket of black with pin pricks of delight and a million lights
But I wish on the stars for the chance of a sight
Of my homestead, good crops and my loving wife

I took to the herding to make ends meet
After droughts and floods had me just about beat
My wife tends the homestead while I'm far away
And I ride this prairie day after day.

The prairie sky shines its million lights is a vast, empty sight
A blanket of black with pin pricks of delight and a million lights
But I wish on the stars for the chance of a sight
Of my homestead, good crops and my loving wife

I'd love a cold beer and a night by the fire
Instead I've cold coffee and a day long and tired
Or the chance to talk of trivial things
The cattle are loing but I've no heart to sing

I've driven these cattle all over the plain
And ended up back at the homestead again
I sip at my coffee and gaze at my wife
Must I leave her for more priarie sky

The prairie sky shines its million lights is a vast, empty sight
A blanket of black with pin pricks of delight and a million lights
But I wish on the stars for the chance of a sight
Of my homestead, good crops and my loving wife

I do try and take on board other people's suggestions but they warp and come out slightly differently.

I was going to credit the changes above but it's been on my work screen for an hour now and I'm worried someone will catch me even though I'm the boss. ;)

Bob

Bob, I think you hit the nail on the head.  It's not so much changing your song exactly as suggested, but realizing that the things that bother others probably bother you too.

The trick is not to be defensive.  I think you have that part mastered. ;)

I loved these two lines

The prairie sky shines its million lights
A blanket of black with pin pricks of delight

I am sorry to see them changed

Go well
Jamir ;)

A really rough MP3 of this has gone to Adam's site by e-mail today.

I've posted it up as is because it's holding up my assignment and everything else I promised Nick I'd do.  

For a four chord song it's taken me two nights to lay down the guitar track and as for the voice - collaborators welcome. ::)

Have a listen when posted, on Adam's site I'm Robert_ Mothers (Sunday name)

Bob ;)