Notifications
Clear all
16/03/2004 3:38 am
well, after my week long reprive, i'm back!
Glass shards through skin
reminds me i'm mortal
i have to look within
there is no magic portal
Chorus
The light glares on
no matter the glass that surrounds it
The light glares on
blinding all my senses
Dry parchment on hands
fuels my soul
Feet scratched by sand
searching for a goal
Sledgehammer the rock
destroy your grave
undo the lock
it's time to be brave
Chorus
last verse x 2
I'm not sure if it fulfills the requirements, but i kinda like it :D
21/03/2004 2:57 am
*clears throat* i want help on this!
21/03/2004 7:37 am
Hey Rue,
Well most of it rhymes, and I know you're not huge on rhyming, so I'd say that was a pretty big deal.
Otherwise, I have to confess, I'm not clear on the story. I'm not really quite sure what's going on here.
Structurally, if you repeat the last verse X 2 following the chorus, doesn't that kind of give you 2 choruses? You end up singing the chorus twice, and the last verse three times. The chorus is where you want to encapsulate your main idea, which I think you've done in the last verse. So make that your chorus, and make the current chorus another verse. Maybe?
-- Scratch
21/03/2004 2:27 pm
yeah, tha'ts what i thought. i really dont' know the story either, nota good sign huh? i like some of the imagry i have in it, it just really needs work taht i'm to lazy to do on it lol
21/03/2004 9:18 pm
this is a complete revision!
Glass shards through skin
remind me I'm mortal
I have to look within
there is no magic portal
Chorus
The light glares on
no matter the glass that surrounds it
The light glares on
blinding all my senses
Chorus
Dry parchment on hands
is fuel for my soul
Feet scratched by sand
searching for a goal
Chorus:
Sledgehammer the rock
destroy your grave
undo the lock
it's time to be brave
Chorus x 2