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05/03/2004 4:32 am
Lady Englebret
Cross the street to avoid your eyes
Look back and forth to escape your lies
Do anything to avoid comprimise
Your speech littered with all of your sighs
Chorus:
Stop pushing me down you know i'm weak
Stop letting me fall
Stop making my world look bleak
You're not the queen of all
You act only in love or so you say
Someday you know you'll have to pay
And then, oh then on knee's you'll pray
You'll mourn each passing day
Chorus
You will not keep me down
No no, i will not drown
You will not keep me down
No no, i will not drown
05/03/2004 5:57 am
Greetings ruepickle,
I don't know who Lady Englebret is, so some of these comments might not be pertinent.
First of all, I like this song. I like the AAAA rhyming scheme in the verses. There are two lines that I didn't understand.
"Your exterior followed by so many flies"
and
"Stop trying to get this boat to sink"
But like I said, if I was familiar with the character you've chosen, perhaps they would make perfect sense.
And a couple of lines I think could be tightened up to fit the meter better (at least the way I'm reading it, it may work just fine as is with the music you've got)
"You're not the queen of all" to "You're not queen of all"
and
"And then, oh then you get to your knees to pray"
to
"And then, oh then on your knees you'll pray"
So overall I think it's good, it sounds like a good story, and take the suggestions for what they're worth. It's just my $0.02.
-- Scratch
05/03/2004 6:21 am
Greetings ruepickle,
I don't know who Lady Englebret is, so some of these comments might not be pertinent.
 There are two lines that I didn't understand.
"Your exterior followed by so many flies"
and
"Stop trying to get this boat to sink"And a couple of lines I think could be tightened up to fit the meter better (at least the way I'm reading it, it may work just fine as is with the music  you've got)
"You're not the queen of all" to "You're not queen of all"
and
"And then, oh then you get to your knees to pray"
to
"And then, oh then on your knees you'll pray"-- Scratch
awesome, thanks scratch!! actually, i made Lady Englebret up completly. yeah, the flies line is basically to show her outside is as rotten as the inside. . . i'm gonna think on that line some. . . (rhyming, bah!) and the stop trying to get this boat to sink is supposed to be how she is trying to bring the character down and kill him
i like your suggestions though!!!
(this song is a TOTAL heavy metal/ screaming song.
05/03/2004 6:35 am
 i'm gonna think on that line some. . .  (rhyming, bah!)
No, no, rue... rhyming is good. rhymes are your friends.
;)
05/03/2004 6:59 pm
bah i say! lol!!! i'm a free form poet starting writing songs! it's so hard for me to rhyme! lol!! i'm getting better at it though!! practice practice practice!
05/03/2004 7:48 pm
i'm a free form poet starting writing songs!
Arrrggghhhh! I hated free form poetry in school. Give me Tennyson, Frost, or Robert Service over Rod McKuen any day! :D ( I do LOVE poetry though )
Weird, I don't like screaming / metal stuff either. But I sure like most of what you write. Go figure.
Anyway, a good rhyming dictionary can be helpful, or you can check http://www.rhymezone.com , quite often they won't have a word that fits what you want, but something you'll see in the list will remind you of just the word you're looking for. And sometimes not. But it's a handy resource when the words aren't flowing.
-- Scratch
05/03/2004 9:18 pm
I really like this song, but theres parts of it I dont.
"Your not the queen of all"
I dont like that line. I don't know what it is but it doesnt seem to fit in with the rest of your chorus. The rest of the chorus is good though. I like what your trying to say with that line but I think it could be done better. Well, thats just my opinion.
05/03/2004 9:20 pm
i'm always dangerously risking my life balancing on the thin line that is "slant rhyme"!!! neither rhyme nor free verse...
06/03/2004 5:13 am
lol!! yeah, i love free verse!!! my stuff is pretty good *ego* lol!
i've never written a screaming metal song in my life, but i was really pissed off when i wrote the lyrics, so it became that lol!!
(i've also noticed trends in my writing, depressed teen angst, oh wait, that fits perfectly!)