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04/03/2004 4:42 am
I dunno if anyone has ever seen "Empire Records". But this song is inspired by the girl Cory from that movie. She's your regular perfect over-achiever. It was kinda forced...it sounds pretty average...any suggestions?
"Fallen Angel"
V1
She wipes the sleep from her eyes
And kicks the covers away
To leave her bed of paradise
And start a hellish day
CHORUS
The angel wings nailed to her back
Make it hard for her to relax
She'll never feel what it is to live
She only knows what it is to give
V2
Cupcakes she made the night before
Sit on her countertop
She wishes that she could have made more
But there's no time to stop
CHORUS
V3
The clothes she'll wear lay on her bed
Planned out to a tee
Perfection looms above her head
It's all she wants to be
CHORUS
V4
She can't stay at this break-neck pace
Her world will soon cave in
What she worked for will erase
She's only a human being
CHORUS
05/03/2004 3:24 am
some words should never again be used in lyrics/poems unless the need for that word is truely needed... one of those words is "angel"
i don't remember that movie, so i can't help there. but you're poem just describes her.. it doesn't pass any judgement or make any insightfull revelation. so it's not fair to say this is bad, but i'm not drawn in and after reading it i'm not changed. but since i didn't think the movie was worth remembering.. i guess maybe i'm just totally uninterested in this character. stop listening to me.
05/03/2004 11:43 pm
Yeah, the more I read it, the more I don't like it. I pretty much just describe her behavior and habits but I don't say anything about how she's feeling or why she does it or emotions or anything. It's like I just present her and what she does on a daily basis which is pretty pointless and non-expressive. I just had trouble picking someone I would want to write about and when I picked her, I just listed her characteristics and wrote a song. I'm gonna go back and change some stuff and just make some stuff up about her since it's not like I know much about her.
Also...do you have a suggestion for what I can use instead of "angel wings"?
06/03/2004 12:30 am
umm.. without really thinking about it..
instead of "The angel wings nailed to her back
Make it hard for her to relax"
maybe.. "the weight tied to her ballet feet
make it hard for her to sleep"
or... "her head so full what's the come
makes her pigtails pop undone"
"all the decorations break off when
her datebooks filled up to the brim"
"and the top is sprinkled with unfinished things
she wants to choose her exile in ice cream"
the last one was just for kicks. but i don't know.. poetry is hard